Paris Hilton's Jail Survival Guide
...or Have a Good Time While You're Doing Time
But I'm a realist, and unless I somehow fall into Hugh Hefner's kind of dough that ain't happening. Even then, Paris isn't into the geezer hook-up, unless you're a cool geezer. Still leaves me out, because performance wise if it did happen my memoir on the subject would be "A Fistful of Viagra". Wait...I'm going off topic. Paris will do that do.
Okay, I've made my share of Paris jokes. You have to admit though 9818783 does have a certain élan (That means 'style", if you're reading Paris.) that goes beyond just being a celebutante. Like my parentheses there, Paris knows how to play dumb, like Gracie Allen or Judy Holiday. It makes me wonder if she were a guy her age doing these kinds of things would we poke the same type of fun? For those of you who are old enough to remember, didn't Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack do the same kind of stuff? And if they were around in our YouTube world don't you think a "look at me" sex tape might go viral? The bigger question, though, is would we poke them with the same kind of funny stick?
Like is or not, 9818783 has style, turn yourself in after a surprise visit to the MTV Awards, party to jail? How Henry Hill in Goodfellas is that. We like style in the good old US o' A, but not women who exhibit a style reserved for guys. (Note to Elliot Mintz: If you want to start spinning it this way, have at it, boychik.).
Okay, so you're saying, "Ed, we don't want sociology. We want funny." Fair enough. Following are my tips for 98187873 to have a good time while she's doing time.
10) Put that prison library to good use. Start reading poems by the Greek poet Sappho.
Trust me, it will come in handy.
9) Stay away from any inmate who has a nickname containing the words "strap on" in it.
8) Jail time is a lot more pleasant when fellow inmates aren't beating you to a pulp, so stay way from chanting, "We're like (n-word here) from Compton."
7) Bulimia is not considered a hunger strike.
6) If a guard mentions she's a fan of Lindsay Lohan, calling said guard "fire crotch lover" is not considered good behavior.
5) If the largest inmate on the breakfast line behind you, looks at you and says, "Pass me some of that cream" and there's no cream around, IMMEDIATELY call a guard
4) Remember they're "guards' not "butlers".
3) Around day 19, if you think you see Nicole Richie's head coming out of the toilet, you're probably hallucinating.
2) If you still see her head coming out of the toilet, cut back on that Pine Sol in the prison hootch.
1)When you get out, if you read this, I'd like to have you as my guest on Ed-E-torial.
Finally, in honor of Paris, below is Ed-E-torial 13, where I give a thumbs up to Prisoner 98187873
Published by Ed Druckman
Ed E. Druckman is a humorist for the web. He gives his views on current events in both text and video. You can find out more about him by visiting his MySpace profile. View profile
What Paris Hilton Should Do While in JailSo Paris Hilton might be going to jail so here are some suggestions for what she should do with her time.
World News Light Issue 2: Paris Hilton and Collider DoomParis Hilton wants to move to London, the stock market is scary, and music's top 40 is full of a lot of crap--but at least doom has been delayed. 
Paris Hilton Top QuotesAlthough most people wish that Paris Hilton would just stop speaking, she consistently opens her mouth and puts her whole foot in it. What we are left with is some very memorabl...
Paris Hilton for President Says Funny or Die Paris Hilton McCain CommercialParis Hilton for President? In the wake of the John McCain celebrity ad that portrayed Barack Obama as an empty suit that fed of the adulation of the masses - much like Paris Hi...- Paris HIlton Goes Back to LA County JailParis Hilton was sent back to LA County jail after doctors said her condition had stabilized. She is serving more time than 60 percent of inmates with similar cases.
- What You Can and Can't Send to an Inmate at Wasco State Prison
- Well Done Paris Hilton
- Paris Hilton Shops Mac, Gets Beer Ad Pulled
- Paris Hilton, the Celebrity Styler, on the Ellen DeGeneres Show
- Product Review: Fairy Dust for Women by Paris Hilton
- Worrying About Paris Hilton
- The MLB Steroid Scandal and Paris Hilton
- Paris Hilton could come out of jail with a greater love of womankind.
- Paris Hilton starts chanting, "Attica, Attica."
- Paris Hilton claims, "Here's to all of you who said I had so little talent I couldn't even get arres
2 Comments
Post a CommentHi
Just want to say I love to be Paris Hiltons privat beauthy therapist and in beauty now for 13 years and just love to spoil Paris .
So when it comes down to it, you're just a dirty old man after all? :-) You disappoint me Ed - you a Paris fan?