Paris Hilton's New Year's Resolutions for 2010

You are one of America's most talked about celebrities. I can't help but notice that you are one of the most self-absorbed, greedy, and flaky celebrities in Hollywood today. I doubt you can write, much less think, so I have taken the liberty of writing your New Year's resolutions for 2010 for you. Now I realize that you are probably illiterate, but I'm sure one of your pathetic fans can verbalize this for you.

1. Give up all cosmetics. It clogs your pores and takes up too much room in your Burberry. Besides, all Paris Hilton fans want to see what you really look like underneath all that goo on your face.

2. Donate cell phone to charity. With the economy in a recession, we all need to cut back. It's not like anyone wants to talk to Paris Hilton anyways. That would require real friends.

3. Join a convent. Yes, you heard me! I read in your diary about your life long dream of being a nun. Go ahead, you could actually make this fashionable. Remember, this also means that you, Paris Hilton, need to be celibate!

4. Donate money to the Taylor Rios Fund (that's me). All of it. I'm so much more deserving than you, Paris Hilton, so donate it or else.

5. Take the bus instead of driving. Taking the city bus is so much more fun than driving a silly Porsche. Your empty head has filled the air with so much Paris perfume that you need to do something to reverse the damage you have caused to our ozone layer.

6. Gain weight as quickly as possible. Fat Paris is in. Thin Paris is so yesterday.

7. Shave your head. Remember all the attention Britney Spear's bald style received? We all know Paris loves attention. Besides, hair is so overrated.

8. Move in to a homeless shelter. It's so lonely living in big mansion by yourself. Everyone will think Paris Hilton is so selfless.

9. Get a job. A real job, mopping floors and scrubbing toilet bowls with your tongue.

10. Pull out all your teeth and donate them to a little old lady who needs a pair of dentures. Old ladies everywhere would die to have that winning Paris Hilton smile. I know an elderly woman who has the hots for George Burns. You can make that happen for her, Paris.