Passive-Aggressors: The Timid Intimidators

The sneakiest form of control

Is passive-aggression, I'm told.

In sneaky ways, behind your back,

The angry one will launch his attack.

With backhanded compliments, he will try

To break you down and make you cry.

His own broken ego, he'll gratify,

While showing the world he's such a nice guy.

Beware the deception. Fend off his cheap shot.

Beneath his sly smile, his anger burns hot.

His own insecurity binds this crackpot.

So flee from his trap, and don't get caught!

What is a passive-aggressor?

The passive-aggressor is the angry person who will never let you see it. He (or she) may be furious, but smile at you and shower you with flattery. Then, as you drop your guard, the false front will drop. The timid intimidator will attack you in some subtle way, using deceitful tactics so that you can hardly prove him wrong. He will act like a friend, but perform like a hidden foe.

Avoidance, lies, and secret sabotage are his weapons of destruction. He will nurse a small grudge into a major escalation without ever telling you he has been offended. As a result, you do not have an opportunity to defend your position, seek an honest reconciliation, or make things right between you.

What fuels passive-aggression?

Basically, passive-aggression is based on hidden fear. The passive-aggressive person, while appearing in control, is really quite afraid. He may fear any of the following:

The passive-aggressive person fears commitment.

He may even pout and sulk, if he is pressured. He is an expert at avoidance, ignoring others, offering the silent treatment, or even withdrawing from a relationship when it exceeds his level of personal comfort.

The passive-aggressive person fears competition, unless he is certain he can win.

He may even attempt to cheat at games. I know an adult who tries to fool children at Monopoly!

He may try to set up contests, in which he has already orchestrated the ending in his favor. He feels the need to make himself the winner, by making others the losers.

The passive-aggressive person fears deadlines.

He is a professional procrastinator, seeming to enjoy the anxiety of those around him, as he lingers over responsibilities they require of him. Somehow, their waiting gives him a feeling of power.

The passive-aggressive person fears direct communication and confrontation.

He may withhold information, keep secrets, tell half-truths, and create excuses for doing so. He is incapable of providing a straight answer to a direct question. He would rather dance around the truth than discuss it earnestly. He adores ambiguity, so that others are left to wonder what he meant.

The passive-aggressive person fears organization, unless it is his OWN organization.

He may deliberately sabotage others' plans, creating chaos, simply to emerge as the savior by fixing things in the end. When other fail, he senses himself as superior.

The passive-aggressive person fears progress, if it blocks his own way.

He may agree to complete a task for another, and then deliberately fail to accomplish it or do it unsatisfactorily, just because it wasn't his idea. He may also block others' progress, simply because he feels threatened by the advancement or success of others.

The passive-aggressive person fears being controlled or criticized by others.

With his defensive streak, he may even perceive criticism where it does not exist. He may play the martyr or make false accusations about others, in his attempt to portray himself as a victim.

The passive-aggressive person fears intimacy.

As a result, he tends to distrust others. He may have a persecution complex, feeling that everyone is out to annoy or destroy him. With a fake smile, he may incite arguments, just to keep others at bay.

The passive-aggressive person fears obligations.

He loves to be the last one to arrive at a gathering or event, so that others are kept waiting for him. He may even forget (seemingly on purpose) appointments, leaving his contacts in the lurch. This may be a payback for some perceived offense. If he is confronted later, he simply claims he failed to remember the commitment.

The passive-aggressive person fears the uncertainty of being deserted or left alone.

Because of this, he may resort to indirect or subtle means of trying to control others.

How can you deal with a passive-aggressive person?

First, you must determine whether the relationship is worth the effort. If you are committed to this person, then you will want to take several steps toward improving the relationship.

Don't get mad.

If you become angry, then the passive-aggressive person has already won. His indirect, behind-your-back attack is nearly impossible to prove, but your honest and outright natural response can be easily seen. If you blow up, he will paint you as the villain.

Be direct.

Because passive-aggressive people are virtually unable to be open and honest and straightforward, this is exactly the best counter-attack. Confront him earnestly, kindly, and directly. Be bold and strong, but not spiteful. Take the higher road, as much as possible.

Try to offer facts and proof, whenever you can.

Passive-aggression is based on deception. The smiling wolf is really the aggressor, although he may not look like it. Keep a journal of interactions, so you cannot be talked out of your convictions.

If you truly love the passive-aggressive person, try to reassure him of that.

Establishing trust takes a lot of time and effort, particularly with a person whose fear has built iron-clad defenses around him.

Surround yourself with other people who will affirm you and help you build your confidence.

These folks can help you to offset the damage the passive-aggressive person is doing to your psyche.

Find something you are truly good at, something you love to do, and do it well.

Although the passive-aggressive person may try to sabotage your success, do not allow this to derail you! You will need to carve out areas of confidence for yourself, aiming for arenas in which the passive-aggressive person does not compete.

Overall, recognize your own worth and your existence apart from the passive-aggressive person.

Define and defend your own personal boundaries. Learn to recognize the sneaky attacks, and exercise tough love, if needed.

Above all, try to separate your own sense of identity and self worth from the passive-aggressor. His misconceptions and false perceptions of reality and especially of you are not real. You are capable and strong and much better than he would have you believe.