Pastor in the Pew - Sitting in the Congregation for My Mother's Funeral

Many years ago, a journal for religious leaders had a cartoon showing a preaching event at the Promise Keepers Clergy Conference. (Promise Keepers is a Christian organization aimed at strengthening the faith of men.) The cartoon showed word balloons over the heads of some of the preachers in the audience with the words, "I could do better than that!"

The temptation in being a pastor in the pew is to judge or criticize the speaker, thinking "I could do a better job than that guy."

I recently had the experience of being a member of a congregation while someone else led a funeral service for my mother. She died on September 4, 2007, and the service was held in the little town that had been part of her life in different ways for much of her 89 years. I chose not to participate in the service, but to allow myself to be the recipient of someone else's ministry. As I reflected on what it felt like, some things occurred to me that apply not just to pastors in the pew, but to anyone who plans a funeral for a loved one.

First, learn from the experience. I have attended funerals before when I wasn't in charge, but usually the services were not for relatives, especially close relatives. As a relative, you have a lot to accomplish in a short period of time. My mother had some money set aside in a trust fund for her funeral, but we relatives had to make decisions about the casket, her clothing, flowers, the lunch, the church, and so on. People forget, sometimes, that the pastor also has a lot to accomplish in that same period of time. If we're rushed, so is he or she. Funerals are not something a pastor plans for ahead of time; they happen when they happen. There was a time when I conducted four funerals in nine days. If the funeral is not what you had hoped it would be, remember that the pastor has more in his or her life than funerals.

Second, don't micro-manage the service if you're not the pastor. As a pastor, I like all the help I can get, but I also want the freedom to preach a message that I think is appropriate for the deceased person and for the congregation that will gather for the service. If you're going to insist on telling the pastor every word for the service, you may as well do it yourself. For my mother's funeral, my wife and I, with some input from other relatives, wrote up some remembrances of my mother for the preacher to read. I suggested a couple of Bible passages for him to include in the service and the special songs we wanted to have sung, but that was it. He preached his message and it was good and helpful.

Third, live with the results of your decisions. If you were too involved and it showed, or if you did not give any suggestions and the result was not what you had hoped for, live with it and learn from it. I remember a service I attended in a funeral home in Iowa. The deceased had been in the military, so there was an honor guard for the military rites that would be conducted later at the cemetery. The person who conducted the service was not a minister, but a teacher in the local community college. I don't know who selected him or why he was selected. He began the service and, before the honor guard had even found seats, the service was over. It lasted approximately five minutes and included the reading of a poem, but no religious references. I don't know if that is what the family wanted, but that is what they got.

Fourth, don't assume that your reactions to the service were the reactions that other people had. When my brother died in 1996, a family-only service was held at a funeral home to be followed by a public service at the high school where my brother taught for many years. I happened to know the minister who had been called in to perform the service at the funeral home, and my wife and I asked him to be sure that people were given some kind of opportunity to examine the claims of Christ on their lives. The service lasted only 15 minutes and there was nothing overtly Christian about it. I was disappointed, but he explained that my brother's children had given their suggestions. I later reflected that I had certain expectations that others may not have shared.

Finally, leave room for the Lord to work in individual lives. As a relative or pastor, I might have done things differently than the person up front did them, but the bottom line is that I need to allow the Spirit of God to work in the people, and I may be surprised at the results that come from those lives. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not God and no matter what I do or suggest or hope for, that will always be true!