Pastors; How Not to Treat the Wives of Church Staff Members

The image of the pastor's wife today is a great contrast to women who comprised the role in generations past. Regardless, many are still facing expectations that should be geared more toward their husbands than themselves. From limiting their intellectual freedoms to their career choices, pastors have a tremendous influence on how the wives of their staff members are treated. Be careful, though...the wife you mistreat has a direct impact on your staff member and his performance. Treating a wife unfairly can lead to unexpected resignations, public humiliation (for you, not her), and even a church split. Ugly, but true.

You see, women in the church are fighting thousands of years of rules and regulations formed by men during eras when women weren't much more than property. As one of the strongest holdouts of outdated and sometimes meaningless traditions, the church has a responsibility to help its female leaders live out their moral beliefs without challenging their own personal worth. Whew, as if you didn't have enough to worry with. Keep the peace between yourself and the wives of your staff members by keeping the following tips in mind.

Tip #1: Never treat potential church staff members' wives as interviewees. While it's common for wives to attend interviews in some denominations, be careful how you approach a supportive spouse who chooses to attend. She is doing so because she knows how important it is for her personality to mesh with your congregants. In other words, she's being gracious. Think about it....you're not paying her. Whether or not you hire her husband has absolutely nothing to do with her career.

Tip #2: Never treat a church staff member's wife as an unpaid employee. She may enjoy handling fundraisers or volunteering in the nursery. Thank her for it. Never treat her, or any other volunteer for that matter, as if she must adhere to your strict personal guidelines on how to perform such duties or face the consequences. After all, what are the consequences? Not being able to work for you for free anymore? What a loss.

Tip #3: Never treat a church staff member's wife as an unfailing permanent supporter of your sermons. She's allowed to have an opinion, and it doesn't have to be in sync with yours all the time. That doesn't mean you can't get along.

Tip #4: Never demand that a church staff member's wife be an expert on all things religious. Her husband went to Bible college. That's why you pay him. It's ok if she can't recite the books of the Bible chronologically and alphabetically. That doesn't make her devoid of faith or any less of a contributor. Her experiences and yours in life will differ, so use her strengths to accentuate yours rather than demeaning her for not devoting her life to religious study.

Tip #5: Never treat her as your protégé. While her husband may look to you for guidance and instruction, don't assume that she views you as her mentor. She may respect you as a spiritual leader, but that doesn't make her less of an intellectual than you.

Tip #6: Never demand that your church employee's wife be a model for all women of her faith without fail. Sure, she needs to have values and share the faith of the congregation, but there will be times when she'll have her shortcomings. Believe it or not, you might find the same thing to be true about yourself from time to time.

Tip #7: Never assume that her personal experiences are sermon or Bible study topics. Just because she has shared information with you on how she successfully overcame a problem in her life does not mean that she wishes to share that experience with everyone she knows. If you feel she has a great personal story to share for inspirational purposes, either let her share it herself or request permission before passing it along.

Tip #8: Never depend on your church staff member's wife as an on-call public speaker. Pastors sometimes have the lovely habit of calling upon congregants to speak, and in doing so they often take the safe route and call upon those they know will support them. The truth is, she may not support what you've said. She may not enjoy public speaking. She may not have been listening to a word you were saying. Everyone's human. Don't depend upon her as your go-to for public support and encouragement in the middle of a sermon. She'll resent it.

Tip #9: Never treat a church staff member's wife as a diehard devotee to all things church related. From Christmas caroling to pot luck dinners to scrubbing the lady's restroom, church wives have traditionally been expected to do it all. Today's church wives have careers and families and interests of their own to tend to that have absolutely nothing to do with the congregation or the services or the church building itself. Respect her time accordingly.

Tip #10: Finally, and most importantly, never treat a church staff member's wife as if she were as interested in the world of religion as you are. She can be faithful, moral, and whatever else you like without having to spend three hours a day in prayer and Bible study. Take a breath, it's ok. Really. You'll earn her respect by speaking to her of her own interests once in a while without directly referring back to something biblical.

Remember, the wife of your staff member is an adult. She's an equal. She will be looking to you to do your job, not vice versa. Try to bear that in mind as you engage in a mutually respectful relationship that honors your common faith.