Pedophiles Learn from the Truth

For the past few months the Truth anti-tobacco campaign has been airing an ad depicting their zany haired spokesperson in a fluffy purple cartoon character costume. The reason for doing so was to show that children are more attracted to guys in big purple costumes than adults. And while, in the context of the ad, this is all fine and well, it should raise concern for the parents of younger children. Pedophilia has plagued mankind as long as religion, cancer, and drug addiction. Oddly enough, pedophilia has been known to join forces with both religion and drugs as evidenced with the Michael Jackson Jesus Juice* incident. And for the sake of a cheap joke, let us not forgot those Catholic priests who get off on touching alter boys. Even former senator Glen Foley was allegedly molested by a Catholic priest, leading to his bout with alcoholism and explicit emails to young boys. Ah, what a great world we live in.

Getting back to the topic at hand, the Truth ad might shake the proverbial finger at tobacco companies for putting their products in the Muppet movies, but the long term effect of the ad is something society could do without. Thanks to programs like Dateline: To Catch a Predator and hilariously cruel folk like Chris Hansen, America's pederasts will find themselves fleeing the net and returning to their roots: playgrounds, candy, and vans. However, there will be one minor addition to the time honored tradition of luring children from playgrounds with candy; and the nicotine-hating people at Truth have provided the pedophiles with the knowledge that will take child abduction to a whole new level: cartoon character costumes. Do not be surprised when this happens because it will and let me be the first to say it. The nu-pedophile will roam the nation's parks and playgrounds in a cute and cuddly costume, confidently approaching children in plain view of their parents.

The parents will be curious at first, but after realizing the mysterious man in the costume is simply dancing with the children, keeping them smiling and occupied, the parents will drop their guard. They will return to reading books and magazines on parenting and the family life. But the nu-pedophile will be keyed in on the parents, waiting for his queue, and when they drop their guard, the pedophile will form a conga line with the children, leading them right into his van. No longer will we hear about a single child being abducted, but instead, groups of children will disappear from playgrounds right when their parents get to the chapter that tells them to keep a close eye on their kids at all times. The nation will panic, new curfews will be put into place, children will be equipped with LoJack, costume stores will have to collect personal information from any person over 18, but by then the pedophiles will have already won. This is an odd and obscure era, and it will only get weirder if the pedophiles start getting ideas from strange commercials. Hell, if the pedos start getting any new ideas besides internet chat rooms-where Chris Hansen can get them-then our children are horribly doomed.

*Jesus Juice is essentially, wine and cola mixed with pain killers and/or sleeping pills on the side.
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