Perfectionism: Enemy of the Good Life

Yes, I'll admit this - I struggle with perfectionism. I have read that first-born children will naturally lean toward perfectionism. I am first-born. Perhaps you are first-born. Perhaps you see it in your own first-born child. Maybe you are married to a perfectionist or know someone who has these tendencies. Everything done must be to perfection. We perfectionists don't just do something - we DO SOMETHING. We DO it to excess. If we organize our books on the shelf, they don't just look nice - they are ordered in accordance with the Library of Congress. If we are to take on a task, the goal then becomes to perfect the task. But, isn't it apparent? When we set a perfect standard for ourselves the standard will NEVER be reached. We can never attain the goal of perfection. It will never happen. Yet, we foolishly continue to set the standard.

Perfectionism can be both a curse and a blessing. We can use it in our lives to assist us in accomplishing goals we have set for ourselves. Perfectionists are driven. That's the blessing part. The curse is the obsessive portion of perfectionism in which tasks are often the center of attention until complete. When a perfectionist works on a project, it may consume their life until it's flawless. This pursuit of precision sometimes includes verbally thrashing ourselves for not having done a little bit better. We say things to ourselves like, "That part looks pretty good, but I wish the other part would have turned out better." When complimented on certain tasks done well, we may reply with a comment about something we could have improved. There is also the shame associated with perfectionism that can often lead to feelings of hopelessness and despair. When one is constantly setting unattainable goals and failing to reach their expectations, depression will eventually ensue. This is the curse.

Perfectionism not only arises in the face of projects, but also in the midst of relationships. We may have a desire to be the perfect mother, housewife, wife and friend. We may try to excel in these areas and feel like a failure when we fall short. We may feel shame when we miss our friend's birthday, or when we slip and yell at the kids. We may feel despair in the moment our mother-in-law unexpectedly arrives and our perfect house is not in perfect shape. There is no grey area for the perfectionist. They don't claim they've made a simple mistake, they internally proclaim themselves as the "worst mother" or the "most horrible friend in the world."

This monster of perfectionism can steal the joy from almost any event. Entertaining others in our homes can become a self-induced stress escapade. We fail to enjoy our company as we bounce around the house creating the faultless dinner party. Only there is one fault we overlook, the fact that we are emotionally unavailable and cold to our guests in our preoccupation with supremacy.

There is a distinct difference between excellence and perfectionism. Excellence is the decision to do everything to the best of your ability while accepting the fact that it will never reach perfection. Excellence will never include shame or negative self-talk. When I think of healthy excellence, I think of the Amish woodworkers who create exquisite furniture pieces. They toil with their hands to do their best to make the project flawless. After they finish, they add either a scuff, dent or a scratch to the piece to remind them that only God can reach perfection. This is an act of humility. They've accepted the fact that they are finite humans, and don't waste their time pursuing a position that's already been filled - God's position.

Why do we fall into the trap of perfectionism? We can attempt to pinpoint the many reasons, but in the end our lists will all lead to the same root cause - fear. Why are we so afraid? We're afraid people will not accept us if we fail. We are afraid that others will not respect or revere us if we don't measure up. We are afraid that if others find the imperfection behind the mask, they will no longer want to be with us or around us. These are the real reasons behind perfectionism, disillusioned as they may seem. Funny isn't it? We would certainly never expect that those around us attain perfection before they are worthy or our companionship, would we?! Yet, we believe that others are expecting perfection of us. Silly stinkin' thinkin', ain't it?

Isn't it time that we stop trying to be what we're not? God is the only perfect being. Why are we trying to steal his job from Him? We have the opportunity to accept our humanity which comes to us in a package wrapped in ribbons of mistakes and bows of shortcomings. Wouldn't it be freeing to admit that we are flawed creatures? This is the first step in overcoming the disease of perfectionism. We may never measure up to our own standards or those we feel others hold for us, but we will always measure up to God. He loves us for the imperfect little creations He made us to be. He will never expect faultlessness from us. We are perfected only through Christ. So let's cut ourselves some slack, shall we?