Performance Appraisal

I was not sure if i was correct or wrong at this point. All the things below looks like very small things. I had to take a decision. Its now or never situation. Its a do or die situation. I am very much confused. Why this has to happened to me. The wedding bells are still ringing in my ears. Every thing was beautiful and perfect. Until one day..

It was a great news when my husband got transferred to India on a higher level post. We got company house in the begining but had to look for our own. We got one from the estate broker. The apartment was on 16th floor and had a nice interior. It had a sea facing balcony. We did get a better school near by and our two kids got the admission easily. My daily routine was nothing but look after them from morning till night. Breakfast to dinner. To me every thing was in order. Yet some thing was wrong some where.

On the diner table my husband told me the need to curtail some unnecessary expenses. I assured him not to worry for the home matters and requested him to concentrate on his job. I started checking my home accounts and really started saving every single rupee. It was a balancing act and I did carry it smoothly. But the things suddenly started going other way. One day he said we may have to move to smaller apartment. He was not clear on what he was telling me. He seems to have confused. I tried to open the topic several times but he would not listen. Some time he did say few words which i did not understand. Something was wrong at his office and about his future. Never he did mention at home. I could make out he was worried. I did every thing to relax him but did not work on him. He kept himself aloof.

One day I found a office memo in his drawer. His performance level was very poor as mentioned by his office. He was warned to improve on the same. His perks were curtailed as he scored very poor. I told him about the office memo and requested him to concentrate on his office matters. But the things went worst there on. Once he made me understand as he is the only earning member and all of us were burning his earnings. We hardly use to speak. There was no way I can do something for him or save him from the situation. Tension started mounting on me. There was no chance of me getting any respectable job. The things were killing me within.

He started drinking heavily. There was no way to stop him. It was my failure. I could not save him nor support him. He was going away from himself. I was having sleepless nights.Once he told me in his bad mood that I proved total failure for him. I performed no good for him. It was my poor performance. I failed miserably. It hurt me. I could not think further. I am a fool. I cursed lot to my self. At this moment where I am standing on a ramp of our terrace on 43rd floor just failed to understand why I am here. The things look so small from the top. I have started my journey. I am down and down feeling light. I performed no good for him. I have no right to live with the poor performance. I am reaching near to death. The ultimate appraisal is in the hands of destiny now.