Personal Ad Informational/Confessional

How do I describe myself in a paragraph and entice a man at the same time? Is that really even possible?
I don't know. I always thought my personality was dynamic enough, but I guess my looks have to be up
to par as well. That right there just ticks me off. The idea of me having to squeeze myself into a micro-mini
anything just disgusts me. My self confidence isn't as high as say Pam Anderson's. (Well, I'd be bouncy
too if I had a rack like that. Okay, I wouldn't because the only thing guys would notice was my double dds
instead of my brain power.) How do I weed out the superficial losers and hang onto to the substantial
animals? If that's even possible because it's a boob and butt world and we're just spectators.

On the surface, I pretend not to believe in love and all of its trappings, but I've secretly pined for it since
I realized boys weren't gross. My idea of love is spending my time with a man I trust completely and
can have an emotional bond as well as a physical one. I want to be with a man that challenges me by
getting me to do activities that I'd never do in a million years. Sometimes I picture myself going out
dancing with my guy at a club recreating a Ginger Rogers/Fred Astaire movie except with a lot more
sexiness involved. The only hole in that dream is the fact that my dancing abilities are non-existent.
(Well, I've never really had the opportunity to dance, but I'm sure I could pull something off.) I guess when
the right dance partner comes along the rest is just gravy.

My dream guy changes quite often depending on what my new fascination of the moment is. I don't really
have a type of guy in my mind. Looks aren't part of the whole package, but are one hell of a bonus feature.
Skin color and cultural differences don't matter much to me. As long as he doesn't have a wrap sheet longer
than my arm, nothing much would bother me, except for one small deal breaker. I'm not fond of smokers. The
smell makes my stomach turn and my skin crawl. It's not the final nail in the coffin for me. Before I was born,
my father was a smoker and he quit his habit because of me. Another smoking experience I had was that
one of my grandparent's died of lung cancer. (At least I think he did. I don't know for certain and don't really
want to know anyways.) I just don't want to invest my heart in a man and watch him suffer through something
like that. I know that death is a part of life, but that type of pain changes you completely. I'm not sure I'd be
strong enough to accept that type of heartbreak. Wow, let's lighten the mood a bit and change it to a more
humorous subject. How about my Lucille Ball moments? The ones where I made such a fool of myself trying
to impress a guy only to have it blow up in my face. Those moments are a hoot at my expense.

My self image shifts away from any imperfections at my appearance because I poke fun at myself enough
for none of it to matter. My goal is to carry myself in public settings through my dark sarcastic humor, but of
course every time a boy I like enters the room they always catch me at my worst. When those guys are
there, I've thrown some nasty tantrums and flexed my brain way too much. My intellect always was
my safe guard when I'm entering unchartered waters. This happened quite frequently because my formative
years were spent gazing in front of the television every time I inserted my foot in my mouth. Believe me I tasted
enough Odor Eaters to consider it an appetizer. As I get older, I've become less and less willing to open my
heart to anyone. I've been burned too many times to be naive about any romantic or friendly endeavors. I've kissed
some wannabe boy frogs to know what I don't want. Trying to figure out what I clearly want is a different story.
I don't know how to channel myself in social and romantic settings. I get timid and my body completely stiffens
to the point where I feel like a zombie from "Dawn of the Dead."

Some friends of mine have made it a goal of theirs to get me drunk and find a man. One suggested I get a makeover
to bring out my "inner hottie." I'm not even sure I'll ever be a hottie. I'll try anything once, but I'll know right away what
doesn't work for me. The guy should see past the beautiful custom paint job and look at my interior. Well, I'll put that
theory to the test soon enough to see if holds any water. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it.