Personal Stories: I Gave a Child Up for Adoption and Then Got Her Back

I was only 22 years old, recently divorced and I had given birth to my second daughter just 14 months after my first child. It sounds almost silly now but, at the time, I was trying to wrap my mind around the concept of taking two children with me when I went shopping. One baby went up in the front of the shopping cart, sure, but where did you put the second?

Unplanned

My mother used to joke that you didn't say the "p-word" around me or I'd get knocked up. My first child was conceived while I was taking birth control pills. Disillusioned with the pill, I switched over to insisting upon condoms. They were 99% effective, right? My second child fit her way into that 1% ratio and, later, the doctor would put me on another form of birth control pill that he said had a stronger dose of hormones than usual and should work. My son would follow shortly thereafter. I began to rely upon Depo Provera and condoms for birth control or, the safest bet, abstinence.

At 22 though, I was still incredibly naive and scared. As I gave birth to my second child, I was in shock and even the simplest of tasks reared its head up before me as some mountain that I would have to scale. My mother was also present, reminding me of how she didn't know how I would afford a second child and telling me how she couldn't spend all of her time babysitting (I had begun working in a factory when my first daughter was 2 weeks hours and often worked 12 or more hours a day, meaning my mother had to help watch my daughter while I was at work and asleep). To say that I was overwhelmed was an understatement.

Meeting With the Social Worker

I can't even remember if it was the hospital that sent her around, if my mother told them I wanted to talk to someone or if it was a doctor but shortly after the birth, I was visited by one of the hospital social workers. We talked for a long period of time, during which she asked me questions and told me about the adoption process. Still scared and unsure, I looked to my mother and she encouraged me that she felt it was best but that, ultimately, it was my decision. To this day, I wonder how teenagers and young mothers manage such things because, even at 22 years, it felt like this decision was a terrible weight on my shoulders. It was crushing, but I wanted to do what was right.

Fortunately, the social worker was not heavy handed with me. She was very nice and very patient, telling me that she'd give me some time to think about things and leaving me her card. If I wanted to talk to her or if I decided that I wanted to go through with the adoption process, I could give her a call.

Personal Experience From the Adoptee's View

I grew up knowing that I was adopted and was told some general information about why I had been put up for adoption. Unlike many, my parents didn't feel a need to keep it a big secret and I grew up totally accepting of it. Many friends were shocked when they learned the information and often told me that I said it like it was nothing unusual, even though they thought it was weird or cool. I saw it as little different than saying that my mom had brown eyes or that my dad had a red beard. It was simply a way of life.

Of course, being adopted does not mean that I had a perfect childhood either. I think this is a misconception that many people tend to believe - Just because someone really wants a child does not necessarily mean they are the ideal parents. My adopted father was a drinker who commonly engaged in adultery and physical abuse. My mother, meanwhile, often became frustrated and hurt, lashing out at the only other person available to lash out at - her child. While it wasn't a bad childhood, and I'm sure it could have been much worse, it wasn't a Norman Rockwell scene either.

These things weighed heavily upon my mind, even as I went to make the phone call.

Saying Goodbye and the Adoption Process

I'd given her a name and held her close, but in the end, I decided that she'd be better off with someone else. I was a single mom with one child that I could barely afford - how would I ever support two? Questions plagued me about how I could take care of two children or how would I change diapers or get the two of them to nap together? Would I ever be able to sleep? What about getting a job? There were just so many fears and uncertainties, so many doubts. No, I wasn't prepared for a second child. I just wasn't.

I called the social worker and, after a great deal of soul searching, I told her that I'd like to put my daughter up for adoption. I wanted her to have a better life than the one that I was able to give her.

The adoption process was quite simple; she would have to go into foster care for a couple of weeks, during which time I could change my mind and the adoption process would not progress. If I still wanted to go through with the adoption, then I would have to meet and sign some papers, letting my daughter go on to her new life. It was perhaps one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but I truly wanted what was best for my daughter.

Saying Hello Again

Walking out of the hospital with empty arms, after you've just given birth to a baby, is a horrible feeling. With every step, I was painfully aware of the fact that I was leaving a part of me behind. I kept trying to tell myself that it was for the best, that she would have a much better life and all those other things that we tell ourselves to try and feel better about something. Sadly, however, it didn't work for me.

Every day that we were apart, I felt as if a big black hole had opened up within me and was continually trying to suck me down it. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep and I cried almost non-stop for days. In the end, I finally told my mother that I couldn't take it. "I want to go get her," I told my mother and she nodded and said, "I didn't want you to leave her either." Before I knew it, we had called the social worker, arrangements were made and we were going back to pick up my daughter and bring her home. Home, where she belonged.

In retrospect, it may have been my own experiences as an adopted child that led me to make the choices that I made, though I'll never be able to say for sure. Putting a child up for adoption can be a very beautiful and selfless thing to do and, for many, it's the best option to give a child a better life. Adoption can be a great option, but it's not for everyone.

Sources:

Personal experience