Personal Tragedy: Dealing with Suicide

When my 20-year-old sister took her own life, the event was one that rocked our entire family to the core. The mystery as to why she had decided to commit suicide sent our entire family reeling at the endless possibilities.

Had we not been there for her?
Did she feel she couldn't trust us?
Was there something more going on than what we really knew?

These questions, and so much more, drove my family to the brink of insanity.

As the designated "rock" of my family, I quickly realized that I wasn't allowed to cry - or otherwise show emotion. Even the slightest fissure in my rock like stature threatened to cause what was left of my family to crumble all around me. For those reasons, I remained strong for those that needed me - while at the same time living with the realization that no matter how strong I was, I hadn't been strong enough to save her life.

There are a series of emotional processes that a person goes through when they deal with the suicide of a loved one: sadness, anger, guilt, and denial. These processes are our brains way of making our hearts deal with something that might otherwise kill us.

We cry.
In some cases, we scream at the top of our lungs. We cry until our pillows are soaked and we risk dehydration. We cry until the tears sting our cheeks and ruin our favorite sweater. We cry for so long, and so hard that we realize that we are no longer sad at our loss, but instead we're angry.

So we yell.
We yell and we scream at the top of our lungs. We scream out into the Heavens at the one we call God and ask Him why he has allowed such a horrible thing to happen. We scream out to those around us and we beg them to give us answers. We get so angry that we punch our pillows so hard that we realize that we feel guilty for being so angry.

So we think.
We think of all of the ways that we were to blame, and feel guilty for every phone call we didn't take or every comment that we ever made. We feel guilty for the time that we skipped out on going to see a movie or grabbing a bite to eat with a person that we will never see again. We feel guilty for all of the things that we think might have made them think for a second that we didn't love them more than anything on the planet. We allow ourselves to feel so guilty that the only way to cope, the only way to breathe, is to go into denial.

So we pretend.
We pretend that we're okay when people ask how we're doing. We pretend that the person isn't really gone, just away on vacation, or has moved to another state. We deny the things that we're feeling and the role we might have played because realizing it - really realizing it - would mean that we would have to face the ultimate truth:

They're gone.

Is there a way to really deal with the suicide of someone you love? Is there really way to get over the pain that you feel in the bottom of your stomach in those moments that you realize that they will never again be on the other end of the phone or sitting across from you at Christmas dinner? Is there really a way to deal with the fact that in taking their own life - they took a part of yours too?

For those families that are survivors of suicide, these questions will haunt you for the rest of your lives - and as for words of wisdom the only thing I can offer is this:

Whether we like it or not, life will go on.

We will still find ourselves needing to go to work every day. We will still find ourselves needing to take care of our children, go to the grocery store, and pay the bills. Our lives, as much as we might hate it, will continue in the same feverish pace that they had before. And as much as time will try to fill in the gap that is left in ourselves - the memories, the questions, and the pain will live with us forever.