Personality Conflicts at Work

We often hear workplace communication issues referred to as "personality conflicts," yet that term seems to imply both permanence and blame. Your personality is who you are, and your behavior is how you act. You may have a winning personality; when you are having a bad day (or experiencing an unmet need), it is your behavior that changes, not your personality.

Your observable behavior-the how of your style-was learned, and can be unlearned; the negative styles we see in others and in ourselves are both temporary and blameless (yet not without responsibility and accountability).

Have you ever had someone tell you that you were rough, blunt, or rude, when you thought you were being concise and direct? If so, you were on the receiving end of the gap between the intent of your statement (encoding) and the receiver's understanding of your statement (decoding), a common problem in the five-step verbal communication process. In general, we follow this format:

1. The sender gets an idea.

2. The sender formulates the idea into a statement (encoding).

3. The idea is sent to the receiver.

4. The receiver accepts the message (decoding).

5. The receiver sends feedback to the sender.

This simple communication system becomes complicated when we consider the encoding and decoding process, especially the filters (or lenses) that we use when we communicate with one another, including:

• Differing frames of reference

• Listening skills

• Personal problems

• Work-related stress

• Anger, fear, or frustration

• Fatigue

• Urgency (yours or theirs)

• Lack of trust

• Competition for power, status, rewards (ego)

• Turf issues

Given these filters, or any one of a thousand others, it is easy to see how our communications with one another can be tricky.

In addition to the filters we use, the personal values we hold, and the technical skills we have learned, we all have core behavioral strengths. In his book The Emotions of Normal People (published in 1928), Dr. William Marston defined a theory suggesting that people can be observed to have one of four basic styles: dominant, influential, steady, or conforming. Marston found that people have behavioral tendencies involving each of the four styles, but that they generally display strength on only one style, and each individual has communication preferences based on this core area of strength:

-A person with a dominant style prefers concise, specific, brief, and organized communication, and is irritated by indecision, disorganization, and generalized discussions.

-A person with an influential style prefers warm, lengthy discussions involving personal factors, and is annoyed by cold, distant lectures.

-A person with a steady style prefers a collaborative approach, wishes to be asked questions to draw her or him into a conversation, and is frustrated by being pushed for a quick decision or by a lack of cooperation.

-A person with a conforming style prefers to discuss facts and data, wishes to ask many "why" questions, and is stressed by ad hoc, loud, disorganized discussions with people who don't have enough information to prove their point.

Concepts to Remember about Cranky Coworkers:

1. Anger is a normal emotion.

2. Angry behavior is a choice.

3. Learn how to say no gracefully.

4. Let cranky people be cranky; don't take it personally.

5. Style differences can create barriers between people, if we let them.

6. Separate yourself from your ideas and your work product.

7. Let others take the time they need to mentally process information-it is not a matter of intellect, it is a matter of style.

8. Set high personal standards for your own behavior.

9. Set-and enforce-strong boundaries around how others can treat you.

10. The best anger diffuser of all is to breathe