Perspective is Everything: The Key to a Happy Marriage

Old Man and Old Woman were driving down the road, he was driving and she leaning against the passenger door, looking out the window at the world going by. Her mind started wandering back to the beginning of their relationship, and how much things have changed. "He is so different now," she thinks to herself, and she can't help but feel angry with her husband.

"You know," she said, "we used to drive down the road snuggled up close. Now you are way over there, and I am way over here -- with miles in between us. I miss the old days when you were so romantic. What happened to us?"

The Old Man drives along, listening to his wife and thinking about what she said. After a moment, he turns to her, "Honey... I never moved."

Perspective is everything.

Somewhere in my early 20's while I was a newlywed in a marriage that no longer exists, I had the benefit of an older, wiser friend. She was in her early 30's at the time. After suffering a marriage that nightmares are made of, followed by a horrendous divorce -- my friend had gone on to marry the man of her dreams.

One day, while visiting her home, I stopped to admire a new desk lamp. Gushing with romantic stars in her eyes, she told me that it was a birthday gift from her husband. I had never seen her so happy, and having witnessed the abuse her ex-husband had put her through -- I was thrilled for her. But, at the same time, I found myself twinging with a bit of jealousy. We talked in the frank way that long-time friends do, and I found myself complaining that my husband--who couldn't name my birthday if his life depended on it--would never do something so thoughtful for me.

Seeing my distress and utter depression, "I think I need to explain," she said. Turns out that her husband (an Army guy) was deployed during her birthday. She had seen the lamp in a store, and when she mentioned it to him on the telephone he told her to go back and buy it.

Doesn't sound quite as romantic when put that way, does it? But, to her--it was the most romantic gift in the world.

Instead of complaining that her husband "was gone on her birthday - again", or "didn't buy her a gift on his own", she looked at that lamp as a gesture of his complete love and devotion. The lamp represented the man she loved so deeply, wanting to fulfill her every wish -- to give her everything she wanted -- and if she wanted that lamp then he was going to make sure she got it whether he could "give" it to her in person or not. The lamp that she physically bought herself, to her, was the most romantic gift he could have given.

How we frame an event greatly influences our response and feelings about it.

Looking back, she gave me some of the best marital advice I have ever heard: "We can all find fault with our spouse. A good marriage comes from recognizing the loving gestures."

It is easy to dwell on the negative while "keeping score". But, focusing only on the bad will skew your outlook. Take time to recognize the many ways your spouse shows you that they love you. Does he take out the trash before leaving for work so that you won't have to do it? Did she pick up your favorite brand of ice cream at the store? Did he fill the gas tank so you wouldn't have to stand out in the cold? Did she save you some hot water so you could shower in comfort?

Grand gestures are great for Hollywood. But, it is the little day-to-day loving gestures that make up the marriage of our dreams.