Photo Contest from Hell in Iowa

Since moving to Iowa I've been keeping busy by entertaining thoughts of discovering this state through a camera lens as its never been seen before. But the sheep won't cooperate, the cows are camera-shy, and the hot muscle-bound farmers are homophobic, so there goes my chance of competing for a National Geographic cover. The only subject that hasn't displayed disgust towards me has been hay. Yes, Hay, that lovely yellow straw substance that makes the world go round, at least it does in Iowa.

(My cell phone rings)
Nando: Hello
Nathaniel: I wanna be a dancer, mama.
Nando: What?
Nathaniel: Just go along with it...ok.
Nando: Okay, start over.
Nathaniel: I wanna be a dancer, mama.
Nando: That's impossible Sheila, you have the grace of a frog.
Nathaniel: But there are instructors momma. I can learn.
Nando: There aren't enough teachers in the world who could teach you moves, and I don't give two pins about your dreams Sheila, I had dreams. I had great dreams before I had you, and what of them?
Nathaniel: I'm gonna miss you Nando.
Nando: What? Am I dying?
Nathaniel: What are you up to right now?
Nando: I'm getting ready to go to Wal-Mart to print a photo that I'm entering for a contest.
Nathaniel: Oh wow, where are you submitting this photo? Vogue, Cosmo, W?
Nando: The Oskaloosa Public Library.

Yes, that's right. The Oskaloosa Public Library is having an "Up Close" photo contest where the only rule is: The Subject must be taken "Up Close." I discovered this by mere accident. I was in the Library walking by a wall with hideous photos hanging on them when my library card slipped out of my hands and fell to the floor. There was a blank entry form waiting for me by my feet. Some would call it fate, meant to be, or even destiny. I call it, "the fat kid leaving the room walking by hitting the table with his stomach and knocking over the entry forms and didn't bother to pick them up." But I digress.

I began to examine the entry photos hanging before me and I became completely disgusted. There is Edna standing next to her prized Billy goat. I also see an out-of-focus photograph of a turtle. Ah, and yes, the classic photo of a John Deer tractor pulling a herd of cows across a field. Good Lord! Do these people not understand what "Up Close" means? I, on the other, revel in the thought of entering and winning the grand prize: $10.00 and the chance to have the Mayor of Oskaloosa hang your photo in his office.

But which photo should I enter? Not only must I be selective, I must also be very careful and not completely over shadow these so-called photographers, for they might riot once I am announced as the winner.

I decide to browse through my photographs and see which ones I took "Up Close" and just go with my gut instincts. Ah, the hay photo I took a few weeks ago would be perfect. I was driving along minding my own business when a huge tractor was coming in the opposite direction, there was no way we both were going to fit on the road together, so naturally, I had to pull over and allow him to pass. It's the law. As I was angrily conveying my hate towards him and his over-sized country vehicle, I spotted huge rolls of something. They looked like yellow tootsie rolls. I got out of the car and took my camera and discovered they were massive rolls of hay. Click, click, click I went.

I found the perfect photo and off to Wal-Mart I went to get it printed in one of those one-hour self-automated stations that Kodak has so graciously set up for us. I'm repulsed knowing this is probably where Edna and her goat were printed out as well. I make my selection, retrieve my receipt, and walk up to the photo girl behind the counter.

Nando: I just submitted a 5x7 photo to be printed, must I wait a full hour?
Photo Girl: (in a country twang) Oh no, come back in 15 minutes and I'll have it hot off the press fer ya. (insert giggle)
Nando: Very well, it will give me enough time to look for a frame, you do have frames here, don't you?
Photo Girl: Sure, just walk past the animal feed on isle 5 and walk towards the motor oil and they are right there on your left.
Nando: Thank you.

There I was, in complete horror standing in front of their frames. How could I ever become a world renown photographer with my work hanging in a frame that read: "Best Friends," Happily Ever After," or "My Pet Cat?" Surely David LaChapelle never had a photograph displayed in a frame reading "Memories are
Forever." I frantically began to rummage through their distasteful inventory.

Finally, I came across a plain white frame with a green mat. This was not perfect, but it would do. I noticed the time and realized I still had over 8 minutes to kill, so I did what any self-respecting Gay American in my situation would do, I went to the body spray area, where I could find a scent that would personify me and my attributes: style, class, and sophistication...and all under $3.87.

Who knew there were so many selections to decide from. I had a choice of: TAG's "Animal", Axe's "One Night Stand," or Right Guard's "Lust". I think anyone who knows and understands me can conclude that there is no possible way I'd want to smell like any of those. I went the safe route and chose Right Guard's "Surge," which strangely enough smelled like my Aunt Maria. My Aunt Maria had tourettes syndrome and would douse herself in men's classic right guard spray, and then dab on a little Jeanne Naté. Ah, what a dreadful life we would lead without the mentally ill.

I returned to the photo counter, retrieved my master piece and paid for my items. When I arrived at the car, I delicately placed my photograph in the frame which did add a splash of "joie de vivre." I couldn't contain myself any longer so I sped over to the library to enter my submission. I walked in the place with the confidence of 1,000 Mike Tyson's ready to bite off anyone's ear who stood in my way. I walked up to the counter and inquired about photo submissions and was directed to the second floor.
Nando: Hi, I was told you were the one in charge of the photo contest?
Trudy: (in a snooty tone) Why yes, I am. (as she shot me a questionable look)
Nando: (starring at her Rhine-stone studded Hanes t-shirt) Well, here is my entry, do I need to fill out anything?
Trudy: Yes, the entry form.
Nando: Ah yes, the good 'Ol entry form, where can I get one?
Trudy: We are all out.
Nando: What? Well, can you print off more?
Trudy: Not now, I am in charge of phones today and I can't possible leave the station and the copy machine is downstairs in the "reference" area.
Nando: Well then give me an original and I will make the copy.
Trudy: Oh that's not possible.
Nando: And why not?
Trudy: Only staff members are allowed to use the copy machine.
Nando: Well, how about I take it to another staff member and they make the copy?
Trudy: That won't work either.
Nando: It won't huh? Well, why not?
Trudy: Because I'm in charge of the contest and it's my job.
Nando: Listen Trudy, I need one of those forms and I am not leaving until I get one, now either you march your happy-ass downstairs to the "reference" area and get me a stupid form or I will stand here and cause a scene like you've never seen before.
Trudy: (looking at me with hate) I'll be right back.
Nando: (ready to knock her lights out) I'll be waiting.

Trudy came back with several entry forms. I didn't trust Trudy as far as I could throw her, and by the looks of her (assuming her girth was from her admiration for "shoo-fly" pie) I couldn't throw her very far. I needed to make sure my entry would be proudly displayed along the other photographs, as trashy as they were. I went to the library's computer center and checked emails, read blogs, and painfully sat next to two 10 year-olds who discover the magical world of Disney and its website with all the endless games it offered. An hour went by and I decided to check on the progress of my entry. As I walked by the wall, my photo had been hung up-side down. I would not stand for this injustice!

Nando: Excuse me, you hung my photo up-side down.
Trudy: What difference does it make?
Nando: What? It makes a lot of difference! Would you hang a Monet up-side down? Would a Van Gogh be facing the wrong way if it were to grace these lifeless walls?
Trudy: You can't compare them to you.
Nando: Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize that prior to you being in charge of "phones" at the glamorous Oskaloosa Library, you were curator at the MOMA!
Trudy: What's your point?
Nando: Listen toots, I demand you hang my photo the right way!

A few of the library administrators walked by and over heard my quarrel with Trudy and interjected. They all revered my photo with great praise and could see how if hung properly (just like a good man) conveyed majestic grandness and power. Within minutes I felt like Diane Arbus as I explained my lighting technique, my composition, my hate for Trudy. Trudy was asked rearranged my photo and I was on my way to becoming a world famous photographer, or at least placing in Oskaloosa's "Up Close" photo contest.

Moral of the Story:

A. Hay is our friend.
B. Trudy needs a workshop in customer relations.
C. Libraries in Iowa are very cut throat.