Pick Your 2010 NCAA Bracket with Smart-Aleck Turtles and Al Bundy

On April 6, 2009, shortly after I'd claimed first and second place in the Associated Content NCAA tournament pool, I considered announcing my retirement - undefeated - from the world of Associated Content High-Stakes Showmanship and Employment-Truantry. (You know, the ACHSSET.)

"First and second place?" you ask. "Surely you jest, sir. How does one warp the laws of minor intra-office gambling physics to accomplish such trickery?"

Well, I've found six ways. (There are only six; don't ask for more.)

To wit:

(1) Choose the teams with the ugliest cheerleaders. To paraphrase Al Bundy: It makes the players really pissed off. Always trust Al Bundy. With everything.

(2) Attend a journalism school with an emphasis in sports reporting. You're, of course, asking: "Am I enough of a slob to be a sportswriter?" Sure you are. And most colleges, especially j-schools, will accept any sort of sportswriter, even if your name is Mitch Albom and you write such clap-trap as "Tuesdays with Morrie" and "Lions QB Matthew Stafford chats with Mitch Albom."

(3) Gain impartiality and perspective by attending a school with a horrid basketball team, like my alma mater, the University of Colorado. Not since Chauncey Billups have the Buffaloes won an NCAA tournament game. The football team is also a joke. The latter won't inform your NCAA picks, but it will make you feel better saying it.

(4) Curate your basketball know-how by listening to sports talk radio while sitting in a dark closet with a bottle of gin. This is also good for your self-esteem.

(5) Treat your fortune cookie with healthy skepticism. Mine today said: "YOU DISCOVER TREASURES WHEN OTHERS SEE NOTHING UNUSUAL." Does that mean I should pick a No. 1 seed, say Duke, to lose early? No. I implore you to only heed the more direct fortune cookies, such as the one I received last year that said: "PICK NORTH CAROLINA IN BOTH YOUR BRACKETS."

(6) Avoid schools with cute animal mascots. Generally, this means axing banana slugs (UC Santa Cruz) and turtles (Maryland) from your bracket early on. However, the turtle is impressive because he's sporting an aggressive smirk with a bold capital "M" across his belly. This counts for something. Hence, some math: (mascot cuteness / regular season victories) + Bobby Knight X (fat guys in stands with painted bellies X student-athlete abuse of booster kickbacks) / Dick Vitale² = successful bracket.

It's a proven formula. Look it up.