Pick a Good Role Model for Your Children

Mama always said be careful who you have kids with. As a card-toting member of the single moms' club, I now realize that she wanted me to take that advice into consideration before-not after-I had children.

I separated from my children's father when my oldest was five, and the youngest was six-months. We initially chose to live close to each other for ease of accessibility to them. But even as we lived within such a close proximity, my ex's visits and emotional support became less frequent. As a result, I chose to move to another state for a better job opportunity, and also to be closer to family who could provide me with the help I needed to care for four children.

Over the years, as the physical distance between my children and their father widened, so did the emotional space. There was a period of almost five years where there were no visits, no phone calls, no cards-nothing. And during that time, I sought out the presence of male role models in my children's lives through clergy, teachers and co-workers, as well as my brothers, uncles, and cousins. Over time, I eventually apologized to my children for giving them him for a father, because of all the responsible men I know, was he the best that I could do for a father?

I hurt for my children who now had the same void that I'd experienced as a young woman yearning to be validated by a daddy who bragged and boasted about his relationships with his stepdaughters, but didn't know me, his walking flesh and blood. I searched high and low to fill that emptiness in my children, seeking only qualified men of strong character and integrity. Upstanding men who could teach my son by example how a man is to be, and my daughters how a man is supposed to treat them. The screening process was far more stringent for finding male role models than it ever was for finding a baby daddy, so much so that it has become my litmus test for finding a mate. Even though I don't want more children, when I meet a potential suitor, I ask myself if he is someone I would want to have children with, based on what my criteria is today. I want to know if he is compassionate, empathetic, God-fearing and honorable. How well does he provide for himself, because that's an indicator of how well he will provide for his family? If only I'd been as picky about who the father of my children would be, I wonder how different the outcome would have been?

So my message to all the women and young ladies who one day plan to have children, my message is simple: If you want a good role model for your children, pick a good daddy. Of course nothing in life is guaranteed. But at least save yourself the trouble of trying to find a surrogate dad later by stacking the odds in your favor that your child will have their own father in their life, and you won't be scrambling to find a positive role model to help raise them by being selective of who you decide to have a child with.