Pick Up / Let Down

When I get nervous I try to cover my fear with humor,
so around you I crack a lot of jokes
but that's okay because it makes you laugh,
and the sound is like a cocaine speedball.

I get lightheaded and loose,
and I just want more and that's enough.
Because, here, now, I could listen to that
and watch time pass.
There's nothing else, I forget
about love I thought I had,
and how sandcastles can feel like forever
until the beat on the other side of the break
drops.

If you really want sincerity.
I'll pluck this heart forth
right here with my own knife
and leave it sticking, beating, quivering
in the tabletop
as long as you need
to examine it
to feel like you know me.

When you need to avert your eyes
I'll still be there
singing and dancing
to take your mind off things
and let you know that I will do
anything
to keep you here with me
long enough

for me to get tired of fucking you,
for my jokes to stop being so funny to you,
until the sound of you
chewing
your motherfucking captain crunch
first thing in the morning
makes me want to shove
knitting needles
through my eardrums
just to escape it for a second.

When I've traded every scrap of power
I ever thought I had
for the comfort of your continuing company,
and there are no more lies
we can tell ourselves
to make it feel right
again.
Then,
I will leave you.

But I digress, dear.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
We live one life,
one day,
one instant at a time,
and tonight that hasn't happened yet,
and tonight the lies are still fresh.
We're both in on the joke
and pretend and you're a princess
and I'm your king and the world,
our assembled court,
steps double time and delivers us miracles
into our hands, like an obedient retriever
eager for his master's approval.

Wrap me in your softness,
and I will hold you safe from harm.
While I protect
you will heal,
and in the morning
I'll make us both a smoothie.