Pick a Number

Know how to make a quick enemy? Of course you do. Just start a Facebook discussion about politics or religion. In no time at all, you'll quickly meet all manner of people who share these collective characteristics:

1. They hate you. (they haven't actually met you, but that's beside the point)
2. They think you're insane, or stupid, or both. (see Characteristic 1)
3. But they think they're not.
4. They need just one more "Urky The Pig" Level Three Methane Gas Credit to take over Farmville, a community which doesn't really exist. And they're very excited about it. (see Characteristic 3)
5. They have the spelling skills of an oyster, but not the attention span.

But sometimes, irritating the general public's just not enough. How do you instantly offend smart people? Easy.

Meet my new friend: Math.

Now don't get me wrong. If I concentrate, and nobody shines a sudden light in my eyes, I can manage to spell "math." That's about it. For me to count to six, I have to put down the phone. I have zero math skills. If it's allowed, I have less than zero math skills. (I don't know if less than zero is allowed, because I have zero math skills.)

Actually, my Facebook transgression was a trifecta: politics, religion AND math (see Characteristic 2). Leave it to me, eh? Anyway, here's the story.

I had been following a debate about proof of Intelligent Design in the Universe (the obvious argument against, of course, being the existence of Congress). One guy made a novel argument in his effort to discount the presence of an Intelligent Designer: the number pi, he claimed, was stupid. If this self-proclaimed Math Genius had designed the Universe, he would have made pi equal to three, exactly three, not some "stupid" endless, three-point-one-four-and-on-and-on-to-infinity fraction.

So now pi is stupid. Pi just can't get a break. Even way back when I was a kid, which was before the Arabs invented zero, people were making pi jokes, jokes like "Hey! Whaddya mean, pi are square? Pi aren't square -- pi are round!"

I didn't say the jokes were funny. I just said we had some.

And in the ongoing Facebook discussion, that's where I went wrong. I brought up math, which would be like Barney Frank holding forth on ethics, or Barbara Boxer exploring emotional vulnerability. I stated that it was a bit of a leap to jump from pi being "sloppy" to God being dead. That's irrational.

Oops.

Suddenly, smart people were barking at me about pi, polynomials, irrational numbers, imaginary integers, and something called Euler's number. Somebody immediately barked back: who cares about Euler's number?

Well, Euler, for one. And, probably, his mom.

Personally, I'd never heard of the thing. But you should know that there's an entire "Euler's number" subculture out there on the internet, packed with the sort of people you probably wouldn't pick for your coed beach volleyball team. In this alternate Universe, you'll discover handy facts like this: In number theory, the Euler numbers are a sequence En of integers defined by the following Taylor series expansion where cosh t is the hyperbolic cosine.

As if we didn't already know that. Please. That's like the little answering machine voice reminding me that, after I leave my phone message, I can hang up.

And there's lots of "Euler's number" humor out there, too, such as the Letterman-like "Top 1n(e^10) reasons why e is better than pi." Oh, you're killing me! Stop, please. Mercy! Oh, I need oxygen! I also found a helpful Asymptotic approximation, addressing quite large indices obviously based on the displayed lower bound, should you need one during your next tailgate event, or psychotic episode.

I have to point out that, concerning all things Euler, there's a helpful "Ross Tang" online reference, too. I have no clue what that is, but if you think I'm gonna miss an opportunity to say "Ross Tang" then you're not intimately familiar with my asymptotic oeuvre, are you?

By the way: at one of these "We're All Math Geniuses" websites, the wizards have employed one of those "you are visitor number xxx" toys. The simplest of tools, managing math that even I can handle. Take a number. Add 1 to it. Go to lunch.

It was broken.

But then, back at Facebook, the abuse got ramped up a notch. I was now being bombarded by math purists:

• "ALL integers are rational, you troll."
• "No bridge on Earth could be built without pi."
• "Just wait till I publish my paper discounting the Taylor series expansion. Then we'll see what's what, won't we?"
• "If pi=3, then all integers would have to be irrational. And guess what THAT would do to nuclear warfare! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Speaking of irrational: I'm told that, once upon a time, the state of Minnesota actually passed a law, mandating that pi = 3.14, exactly. They legislated mathematics. Now that's ego, folks. I mean, I have an ego you could park a bus on. But it's not THAT big. That's just, well, irrational.

I still don't understand what an irrational number is, unless we're talking about our national debt. There are irrational numbers, but no irrational integers. Why not? Integers and fractions are rational. Square roots, pi, and Euler's "e" are irrational. The movie "Ferris (b^)Euler's Day Off" was rational, but only for a while. Something changed. It turned irrational.

What makes a number go irrational? Is there a tipping point? 3.14 bad days in a row, maybe? Is there a domain of insane integers? Psychotic numbers?

Are there co-dependent integers? Integers who are crying out for help? Non-rational numbers that have come to terms with their issues, and voluntarily submitted to a Base-Twelve-Step Program?

At this point, back at Facebook, one of the smart people made another joke: Hey! If we make pi=3, then all integers will need to be irrational! Whoo!

One day, I have to find and attend a Math Genius convention. It would be worth the effort just to listen in as they discuss the irrational number theory underlying the waitress' tip.

Can't you just hear these smart people as stand-up comics?

"So, a binary set of nuns walked past a bar."

"Subtract my wife. Please!"

"Thanks, ladies and strands of generally-beneficial bacteria! I'll be readily accessible for a full complement of weekdays. Appropriate the veal!"