Picking Up and Dating Asian Women

Gentlemen, do you like Asian women? I certainly do! But, for the longest time, I wasn't able to get a date with an Asian woman for the life of me! Every single time that I tried, I was either backhanded or hit with the stare. I wondered, "Could I possibly be that ugly?" I looked at myself in the mirror and I realized that it couldn't be my looks; I was too hot and sexy. It had to be something else. That's when it hit me! Why not just ask my sister for advice? If I am Asian, then she must be Asian too! This is what I call a 'light bulb' moment! So now, Jerks and Assholes worldwide, I present to you my top five list of how to pick up and date an Asian woman.

#1. Avoid bringing up any topics related to kung fu, karate, tae-kwon-do, ninja warrior, Master Splinter, Karate Kid, or, God forbid, Jackie Chan. Just because she's Asian doesn't mean she is an expert at martial arts or a fan of Jackie Chan. In fact, it is my stipulation that every Asian secretly despises Jackie Chan for being the biggest embarrassment to the Asian community since 1987's Snotty from 'Revenge of the Nerds.'

#2. For the love of God, don't ask her if she does massages, paints nails, or gives 'happy endings.' Although she may perhaps work as a manicurist or massage therapist, it is most likely to pay for her education at a fine University. If you do dare ask her, then don't be surprised if she uses her finely manicured nails to give you a very painful 'unhappy ending.'

#3. Do not assume that she cannot speak proper English. Speak normally as if you were talking to an everyday white chick. If you over-pronunciate your words or speak louder than is necessary, she may become offended. After she backhands you, don't be surprised if she uses her supposedly bad English skills to loudly announce to the world that, "He stupid moron with small pee pee!"

#4. Do not, under any circumstances, compare her to Margaret Cho or any other Asian celebrity. Realize that she is a unique human being with her own personality and habits. Instead of comparing her to an overweight and lousy comedian, you might as well call her Babe the pig. "Oink oink, Babe!"

#5. Lastly, if you do manage to hit it off with a hot Asian chick, she may invite you to a family event. Make sure you stuff your pockets with a whole bunch of napkins. Fitting in with her family means that you will have to try an assortment of unusual Asian cuisines. Although I personally love Asian food, you may not. In case you can't handle the savory taste of a dumpling, discreetly hurl it into a napkin, and pocket the waste. If she finds out that you can't handle the dumpling, you may be the one getting dumped.

Look, fellas. The key to dating an Asian woman is to treat her like any other Lady. Would you approach a black Lady and ask her how to make cornbread? Hell no! That's rude, disrespectful, and stereotypical! Similarly, you need to take precaution when approaching an Asian woman. They want to be treated like somebody special, and not some character out of a comic book. I hope you learned something today. If not, then don't be surprised if the slaps and backhands continue.