Pickles & Beaver Review a Man Called Horse

Misspelled words and bad grammar are done on purpose in this review to simulate the western dialect of this reviewer.

WP: Howdy Pardners! Welcome to another Roundup Review! Today, my cousin Wilbert and me was sittin' in my livin' room watchin' A Man Called Horse--

Wilbert: A man called horse? Hell, I been called worse thangs than that!

WP: I know ya have! Now shut yer pie-hole and let me finish! We done had ourselves a six-pack uh beer (belch) and done watched the entire movie. Didn't we, Wilbert?

Wilbert: We (belch) shore did. Now we's gonna do one uh them fancy-pants reviews like Pickles and Beaver.

WP: Wilbert! I swear yer dumber than a mule's left butt-cheek! Thar names is Siskel and Ebert-not Pickles and Beaver!

Wilbert: Oh, I musta been thankin' of the name uh one of them grownup videos I seen on the cable TV. Sorry, Will.

WP: That's alright, Wilbert. Now let's git on with the review. This here movie takes place when my Great Great Great Grand Pappy was still among the livin'. It's about Lord John Morgan-

Wilbert: Hold on thar, Will. Ain't Jesus the lord?

WP: Not that kinda lord, squirrel brain! John Morgan was an English Lord.

Wilbert: Oh.

WP: Any who, Lord John Morgan and his pardners was out in Sioux country shootin' up some food like Jed Clampet of the Beverly Hillbillies. His pardners was all killed by Sioux Injuns while he was takin' a bath in the lake.

Wilbert: Bath? I knew I fergot ta do somethin' today.

WP: I KNOW! Like I was sayin', Lord John was takin' a bath when the Injuns snuck up on him. They threw a lasso 'round 'em like a horse. Maybe that's why the Injuns named him Horse.

Wilbert: They coulda called him worse.

WP: Well hell, Wilbert, ifin it was you, they woulda called you Gold-Plated Nose Hairs. Anyway, the Injuns drug John, buck-neked, down the line until they reached thar teepees. The Injun Chief was named Yellow Hand. He done gave John to his Ma so she could have herself a pet. Yellow Hand done told his Ma in Injun talk: "Here's yer new horse, Ma!"

Wilbert: Hehehe! Did you see the look on her face?

WP: Hehehe! I shore did! It ain't every day that a son brings home to his Ma an English Lord fer a pet. Her name, by the way, was Buffalo Cow Head.

Wilbert: I betcha Yeller Hand's Pa was named Buffalo Bull Butt. Hehehe! His Pa weren't in the movie. It was jest Yeller Hand, his Ma and his sister livin' in the same teepee. His sister's name was Runnin' Deer. She was REAL PURDY!

WP: She shore 'nough was! OOOOHWEEEE!! She and the man they called Horse fell in love. John or Horse met another captive feller named Batise who could speak Injun and English. He hept Horse talk to the Injuns and hept the Injuns talk ta John. Since Horse and Runnin' Deer was in love, Yeller Hand decided ta make Horse a full pardner of the firm or tribe.

Wilbert: Horse and Runnin' Deer was gettin' hitched! Yeeeehaaaw! All Horse had ta do now was let them Injuns stick some eagle claws in his titties. Them eagle claws was REAL sharp and they was hooked to a rope so the Injuns could pull Horse up and hang him by his titties. That musta felt REAL GOOD.

WP: Yup! He twirled around hangin' by his titties fer quite a spell. When they finally let him down, he was a full member of the tribe and had sore tits. He could now marry Runnin' Deer. Land sakes! What some men will do fer a piece uh tail truly amazes me!

Wilbert: I jest go out to a bar and get drunk. That always works fer me. Trouble is, I always pass out before the good stuff happens.

WP: That's what the gals keep tellin' me, Cuz-hehehe! Anyway, later on in the movie, the plot gits thick like a stale cube uh butter that's been sittin' in my fridge since I had a full head uh hair. Ya see thar are other Injuns called the Shishone, and they hate the Sioux. At one point in the movie, the two tribes git quite a feud goin'. Chief Yeller Hand, Horse, and the whole Sioux tribe git into quite a pickle with them Shishone Injuns--

Wilbert: Gosh Will, what happens next?

WP: Well, ifin ya really wanna know, you gotta stay sober and watch the movie all the way through, instead uh gettin' drunk and passin' out like ya done did. That goes fer the rest uh you folks out thar in AC land. I wanna thank you all fer joining me and my cousin Wilbert fer this Roundup Review. See ya next time!

Wilbert: Yeeeehaaaaaw!!!

WP: Yeeeeehaaaaaaw!!!

WP and Wilbert: Yeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaw!!!!

Cast and Credits

John Morgan (Horse)-Richard Harris
Buffalo Cow Head-Judith Anderson
Running Deer-Corinna Tsopei
Yellow Hand-Manu Tupou
Batise-Jean Gascon

Short Story Author-Dorothy M. Johnson
Screenwriter-Jack de Witt
Director-Elliot Silverstein
Producer-Sandy Howard

Release Date: 1970
Runtime: 114 mins.
Rated R