Pilates is NOT for Fat People

I have been harboring "baby fat" since my son was born, umm he's twelve. So I have been trying out different ways of exercising. I started at the YMCA a few years back. I stopped going to the Y when an old, very wrinkled lady joined me in the hot tub. Did I mention she was naked?

My next adventure took me to a local women only thirty minute workout center. You know the type, hole in the wall, basement of the strip mall, empty promise centers that are popping up on every other street corner promoting thinner waists to all women who step through the doors at least three days a week. I was doing great, steadily working out three to five times a week. I even showed up on a Saturday a few times. That is when catastrophe struck and two innocent machines died. I somehow managed to massacure two machines in one day! I'm not joking it was humiliating, not to mention messy, the timer went off and I switched to the next machine. This machine was the type that you sit on to do arm curls. I enthusiastically pumped my forearms up and down, left then right, doing my best to keep up with the rhythm of the blaring music. All of a sudden the padded weight came loose and wacked me right in the nose! As the blood gushed I swore to the five ladies standing over me that I was fine, what's a little blood among workout partners? A few minutes later, after the bleeding had stopped, with some tissue shoved in each nostril I got back onto the circuit and we all had a laugh at my expense. Two timers and two machines later I stepped up onto a machine that you stand under with weights on each shoulder and do squats. As I squatted and then stood pushing against what should have been a pressurized, hydraulic sort of thing, I flew up and forward! The machine had lost pressure so instead of slowly pushing up my thunder thigh thrust had me loose and wild. I again managed to whack my face on the front of the machine as blood gushed for the second time I passed out.

A moment or two later, I groggily looked around me at the faces only to find a few extra, hairy faces, asking me if I felt ok. It seems the panicked screams of the woman around me had caught the attention of two firemen that happened to be enjoying breakfast at the restaurant that was just on the other side of the purple painted drywall. Oh and by the way, on my way down, my t-shirt had caught on the machine and tore open, it was now a cardigan. A wide open, showing everything, lose your dignity sort of open. Needless to say I have not graced the door of my friendly neighborhood thirty minute workout death trap since.

Still needing to lose weight I wasted no time scurrying the local thrift stores looking for some exercise machines. Imagine how thrilled I was to find a slightly used recumbent stationary bike for just $14.95. I managed to cram the stationary bike into my backseat and away I happily zoomed. My hopes were high, I just knew that this bike would be my early morning friend, we would become the best of friends diligently pedaling away the pounds. There was just one problem, the noise. The stationary bike was so loud that my neighbor came over to find out what was wrong! I couldn't bear the sound, so my new best friend was banned from the house. With tears streaming, I waved goodbye to the fading tail-lights of the garbage truck, so long my stationary friend. What would I do now? Was I doomed to failure? Would my love handles become spare tires? Where was my chocolate stash?

Months later I was diligently shopping every nook and cranny of my favorite department store when I saw the light. To my utter amazement a light from heaven shown down directly onto a majestic sign, Clearance. As I maneuvered my cart around the maintenance man on the ladder I saw it and my heart skipped a beat! Could it be? Oh thank you Lord for leading me, your blessings are plentiful. Thank you God Almighty for leading me to the $3.64 Pilates sets. Only $3.64! How could I resist? Besides the enclosed DVD is for beginners. I can do this, its just a stretchy band. How hard can it be? One x-ray, two pain prescriptions and four Chiropractor visits later I have come to the realization that "Pilates is NOT for fat people."