Please Don't Pee in My Swimming Pool

"Can we come swim at your house?" Owners of swimming pools across America, will hear that question multiple times over the summer months. Though some may be happy to oblige the request, many more will simply cringe and come up with a quick excuse as to why you can't come swimming at their place.

I am the proud owner of a beautiful swimming pool, built by my very own cousin who owns a local pool company called, 'Pools By Lee'. I bet you can guess what his first name is, right? Well you would be wrong, because that is actually his middle name. Back to my pool. I love my pool. I especially adore it when the hot, humid Texas weather is sucking the life out of me. I'm a California native and I am yet to embrace the humidity (as well as the giant insects) that come with being a Texan. My swimming pool helps with that process. I enjoy having people come over and swim, hang out, and lay out. I also enjoy my alone time with my pool. My swimming pool and I bond as I lay on my flimsy floaty, singing along to the latest Lily Allen song. If you want to know how to get yourself invited over to swim at a family member or friends house who has a pool, I'm going to give you 5 helpful suggestions. If you follow these 5 simple rules, you may even be invited over more than once!

1.) Seriously, don't pee in the pool. Maybe no one will know you did it, but you know you did and do you really want to swim in your own pee? I didn't think you did. It's OK and much more preferable for you to use your hosts restroom before you even put a pinky toe in that cold pool water. I know sometimes you're swimming, and you realize you really need to get out of the pool, take a moment to dry off, and go to the restroom. Please do. Pretty please? When you have been in my pool for 2 hours and never got out, you and I both know what you did. Enough said.

2.) Don't complain that the water is too cold or too warm. You don't have to be in my pool, you could be running through your sprinklers for all I care. I am not mother nature and therefore I can't control my pools temperature. "Don't you have a pool heater?" you say. I'm not rich. I don't have a pool heater to warm the water or giant ice cubes I bought especially for your visit so I could cool the pool down for you. It is what it is. Enjoy your swim or don't, but don't whine. Otherwise I may have to call you out in front of your wife, and you don't want that.

3.) You are welcome to have alcoholic beverages, but not 15 alcoholic beverages. Don't get sloppy drunk and attempt to swim. You are heavier than you think and although I know CPR, I would rather not have to lug your drunk, unconscious butt out of my swimming pool. It will probably scare the other guests away, and though I will save you, you will never, ever forget it. You will always be that guy/girl who passed out drunk in my pool. Save yourself the humiliation I will inflict on you, and know when to say when.

4.) If I have been brave enough to invite you AND your children over to swim, please remember that they are YOUR children. Watch them closely. I love kids, which is why I am willing to let them come over and have some wet summer fun. However, they aren't my children, so please don't wander off to get lit and expect that I will watch little Johnny. I am nice, so I will watch him while you go to the restroom so that you don't pee in my pool. Outside of that, he is your responsibility and I know when parents are paying attention, and when they aren't. If your kid is climbing on my waterfall fountain or diving into the shallow end or running around the outside of the pool, please yell at him so that I don't have to. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Oh wait, that's the Incredible Hulk, not me. You get the point.

5.) Oh, this is the most important one. Ready? Don't leave your mess behind for your wonderful and kind hostess to clean up after you leave. Trash? Throw it away, and no, my yard does not constitute "away." Your floaties and pool toys are wonderful, but take them with you when you go. Your clothes and wet towels (which I hope are yours so you didn't have to borrow mine again), please load them up so I don't have to make another trip to Goodwill. You know I hate cigarettes, but if you smoke, don't leave your leftovers on my lawn or other random places. I am a nice anti-smoker and I provide an ashtray for your convenience. Use it, then dump it in the trash so that I don't have to deal with a smell I detest.

See, only 5 simple rules and you can swim happily in my pool, when I'm in the mood for company. If you are bringing me free homemade brownies or a 6-pack of my favorite beer, I will be in the mood for your company often. Happy splashing, swimmers!