Please Stop Doing That: How to Improve Your Relationship with Your Adult Children

Everyone wants better relationships with their parents, and your adult children are no exception. Even if you already have good relationships with your children, you may have acquired some habits that they wish you didn't have. These habits generally arise when parents continue to think of their adult children more like children than like adults. Additionally, parents often fail to see their kids as individuals, preferring to think of them as younger versions of themselves. This kind of thinking will inevitably cause friction.

Many parents aren't aware that their behavior is detrimental to their relationships with their children. This guide will tell you which bad habits to watch out for and how to correct them, so that you and your adult children will enjoy healthier, more loving relationships.

1. Don't assume that everything in your adult children's lives is your business. There's a difference between being interested and being nosy. Everyone is entitled to some privacy, no matter how trivial a "secret" may seem. It doesn't mean that they're doing anything illegal or immoral; it just means that they like to have some privacy in their lives. If you back off, you may find that they open up to you more.

2. Don't insist on perpetuating childhood nicknames and "funny" stories. Even if your kids don't say so, they don't like it, especially when you do it in front of their friends and colleagues. It embarrasses them. If you just can't help yourself, ask them for their opinions on what anecdotes you can tell others about their childhood.

3. Don't pressure your adult children to attend gatherings at your home for every occasion that arises. They are adults and have lives of their own, which means that they already have to juggle many needs and wants. Laying a guilt trip on them won't help anyone. Instead, tell them that you hope they can attend but that you understand if they have other plans or obligations.

4. Don't invite yourself for a visit from out of town, and if you live locally, don't stop by uninvited and expect your kids to drop everything for you. Pick up the phone and call them first. If they don't answer, find something else to do. Don't just let yourself inside their homes if you have their keys. The presence of the car is not a good indication that they are available. Again, find something else to do.

5. Don't call your kids at work if it isn't a true emergency. Learn the definition of an emergency; better yet, ask your kids how they define the term.

6. Don't badger your offspring about when they're going to settle down, get married, or give you grandchildren. It's annoying and hurtful, and it only breeds resentment. Be patient and understand that they are on their own timetables. You should also accept the possibility that they may not even be interested in marriage or babies. It's also possible that they desperately want them and it hasn't happened, which means that it hurts every time you mention it.

7. Don't live in the past. Understand that as your children have grown, they have changed. A childhood hobby might hold no interest for your adult offspring, and foods they liked as teenagers could seem revolting now. Show an interest in the present instead of dwelling on the past.

8. Don't reject or belittle your adult children for making decisions with which you disagree. If your daughter is happy about a new job opportunity, be happy for her. If your son wants to go back to school for a degree you think is useless, be supportive. You can express concern in a loving manner, but don't criticize them or try to manipulate them into abandoning their dreams.

9. Don't give out your adult children's address or phone number without their permission. You may think they'd like to hear from an old friend, but you could be mistaken. Instead, offer to take the friend's information and pass it along.

10. Don't post photos of your adult children (or their children) online without their permission. You may be proud to show them off, but please make sure you know how they feel about it and respect their wishes. Some people don't want their likeness posted on the Internet.

Chances are that you saw yourself in at least one of these examples of bad parenting habits. If so, stop and consider whether you would appreciate it if your own parents were to behave this way toward you. Maybe it wouldn't bother you at all, but don't forget that your kids are individuals and may have completely different opinions about it. If you're willing to correct any of these bad habits that you may exhibit, you will improve your relationships with your adult children.