Please Tell Me that Waitress Has Something on Her Butt!

Most of all, a relationship should be built on trust and respect. If you don't trust each other, then what's the point? If you don't respect each other, what's the point? Why are you bothering to torture one another? Webster's dictionary defines trust as "to place confidence in, to permit to stay or go somewhere without the fear of consequences". Respect is defined as, "to hold in high esteem or honor". Without these two things, your relationship will be doomed.

A couple years ago, one of my best friends got married. It was a happy occasion and they love each other dearly. They are the type that doesn't seem to care what the other one does. She can go out with the girls or he can go out with the boys, and that's okay. They don't fight about it. For that matter, she's the type that will go along with the boys for a ride.

As everyone was getting ready for their wedding, we all wanted to plan something fun and memorable. The only stipulation that she had, through the whole planning process, was "NO GOING OUT THE NIGHT BEFORE!" So, we had a girls' night out about two months before and had a blast.

The guys didn't plan anything at all, and decided that they wanted to go to Memphis the night before the wedding. She said "NO". Her response had absolutely nothing to do with a lack of trust because she quickly followed it by saying, "You can do whatever you want next weekend or the next, just not tonight." Everyone was stunned that she told them they couldn't go because she is the type that normally says, "Let's load up". One of the groomsmen just kind of turned red and said that he felt like she had grounded him, because she always said "okay", whenever they planned something. This wasn't her way of saying, "I got you now." She in no way believed he would be unfaithful to her, she just wanted to make sure nothing crazy happened to prevent him from coming to the wedding.

What you have to understand is that not wanting you to go out with the girls may have absolutely nothing to with his trust in you, or his lack thereof. He may have a very valid reason. It is up to you to listen and to understand that his feelings are extremely important. It is also equally important that he show you the same courtesy. That is where your respect for each other comes in to play.

There are certain things that I hold to be true in this life and one of those things is that it is completely naive to believe you're your man will not ever look at another woman. Whether it is on television, walking down the street, in the shopping mall, at a restaurant, or at work, there will always be another woman that for him to admire. This is okay. There is nothing wrong with him looking. Knowing that he is looking at other women when he is out and about should not affect your ability to trust him. Have you heard the old saying, "You can look, but you can't touch"? Just because he is looking at another woman does not mean that he wants her or that he is cheating on you; it just means that he is looking. Just remember that he comes home to you. Besides, would you really want a man with no interest in observing the beauty around him? Have you considered that he may be looking around, appreciating the beauty of those he sees but thanking the Lord that he has you? Anyway, who are we kidding, honey? We do it too. It is a natural part of who we are and what we do.

See, where most men make the mistake is when they start looking and then end up paying more attention to the other women they see than they do to you. They will not only watch the girl as she comes walking toward them, they will make it completely obvious and make a 180 just to watch them walking away; all the while producing a low whistle or a breath that's just a little too deep. Then they have no clue why we would ever get frustrated with them, hurt by them or just plain mad at them. Why would I want to be with someone that would rather watch the waitress walk away than listen to what I had to say?

It is my personal feeling that my man can look at anybody he chooses. Who cares if he thinks that she is prettier than me? I don't care, but he should at least have the decency not to tell me that he is thinking that. How disrespectful is that? What men need to realize is that women don't really get mad because they are looking at another woman, because as I said before, we look at other men too; we get mad because they suddenly get struck dumb and feel the need to let us know exactly what is going on in that head of theirs. Whether it is gawking at the waitress' cleavage and ignoring us or actually having the gall to tell us what they are thinking, they are causing hurt feelings and hurt egos for no good reason and that will inevitably cause more trouble than it is worth. That kind of hurt usually turns into anger instead of tears and they end up sleeping on the couch; that is, if they are even allowed back in the house. Therefore, they should learn to keep their expressions clear and their mouths shut when they are thinking that someone looks better than us, because this lack of respect for you builds and builds until your insecurities start chipping away at the trust you have erected.

How many times has a woman asked her man how she looks in an outfit? And then how often do we hear, "Honey, you have never looked better!" This is because most men are not dense enough to tell us that we are no longer the size we were in high school and that although the style has returned, our figure has not. They know better to say, "I wouldn't be caught dead in public with you wearing that." "You look like Shamu the whale. All you need to complete the look is a 'Wide Load' sign across your butt." They know that this behavior will just cause an argument, so they lie and tell us that we look great. They have they ability to use this self preservation method but for some reason when another woman is involved men stop thinking and just react.

I will never be dense enough to believe I am the most beautiful person in the world. I realize that no matter how good I may look, there is always going to be someone that looks better than me. I also realize, no matter, how bad I may look, there will also be someone who looks worse. It is a fact of life. However, I deserve to be respected for all that I am by anyone with whom I am in a relationship. Again, a relationship is nothing without mutual trust and respect. A man should be willing to look at you and say:

"I know that at some point I will look in the direction of another woman, but I promise you that I will never go farther than a look. You are the one for me and I promise to always be faithful and come home to you. I promise that I will respect you enough not to eyeball another woman while in your presence. That is not say that I won't glance her way, but I value our relationship too much to make it blatantly obvious. I will do everything in my power to show you the same respect you show me."

And then you should be understanding and appreciate his honesty. How hard is that? For some, its not, but for others, the green-eyed monster takes over and a statement such as the one above would insight a riot. In the long run, it goes back to whether or not you respect yourself and the other person enough to filter your thoughts and be considerate of their feelings. There should never be a point in a relationship where you begin to tear down the self esteem of the other person. The minute that you do that you are showing how insecure you are and how low your self esteem really is. Who does this help? The moment you realize that he has absolutely no interest in any aspect of your life unless he is getting a "return on his investment", the relationship should be over. Because without mutual trust and respect, you end up with a relationship built on obsession instead of love, and obsession is an extremely dangerous state of mind.