Please, "Touch My Junk!"

I am wondering what in the Hell was going through the "Don't Touch my Junk" guy's mind? Lemme hook my reader's up here.

First, props to the TSA folks. I am sure that most of them are no happier with this situation than the traveling public seems to be. For the record, as a heterosexual type, touching another fellas "junk" is not high on my list of to do's. But that brings me to my point. Why don't they let male TSA guys do the girls, and female TSA types do the guys? What? Don't like that idea? Why?

We spend our early lives trying to determine who's junk we want to touch and who we want to touch ours and suddenly now it's a problem? Did I miss something here? For me personally, lemme see a nice size 12 or 14, kinda robust, matronly woman of 40 or so wanting to pat me down and I am there dude! Can ya see it now?"

"Next!' she announces. I step up. She looks at me. "Sir, haven't you been through this pat down line already?" "Yes" I smile back, my eyes glazed over in hopes of an intrusive violation by her lovely little latex gloved digits. "Sir, you only need to go through the line once. You might miss your flight," she admonishes, concern all over her pretty little face as I stare into her baby blues.

"Flight? What flight?" I reply. "Sir" she replies, a look of concern and puzzle crossing her lovely countenance, "this line is only for passengers prior to boarding." "Hell Baby," I reply,"if you touch me there one more time we will need to 'board' ourselves, if ya get my drift there Toots! Now quit yer chattin' and get to groping. Ya had me at 'next' so no need to keep sweet talkin' me Sugar. Let's go find a place where we can be alone and I can return the pat down."

So, wonder how that exchange would go over? Either I hook up with her or with an inmate in some local Federal detention facility somewhere, what? Either way, I hook up. Sweet. Beats the Hell out of having to buy her a drink first, right?

Wait! There's a fly in my ointment! Do I understand that men pat down men and women only pat down other breast and vagina owners? I call 'Shenanigans!' Or is this just a clever way for gay people to hook up? Damn! Never thought of that one!

I am always puzzled at why my female doctor charges less to stick her finger up my butt than a hooker does. When Dr. Goodbody asks me to "turn and cough" I thought it was foreplay. This explains a lot suddenly. And now I see why Dr. Goodbody always insists there be a nurse present when she examines me. I once asked her if the nurseypoo was gonna get nekkid too, or was she just gonna watch and film the goings on. No wonder Dr. Goodbody looked at me so confused at my query. I just thought she was jealous and wanted me all to herself...can't hold that against a gurl, right?

I think we could make all this so much less contentious if we only hired desirable persons of the opposite sex to do the pat downs. Bet that would make the intrusion so much more longed for. It's like why prison is miserable, again, unless of course if one is homosexual. I have always wondered about that?

How is sending a gay man or woman to prison a punishment really? I mean Hell, send me to a place with 800 women and throw me in and throw away the key and I am in Heaven I tell ya, Heaven! If I were gay and got sentenced to prison it would be a 24/7 party. To ease the stigma and fear of prison we should go coed, or at least let me in with the gals.

Oh sure, some of those 800 gals might not be too awful hot, but then again, I'll bet there's a bushel basket full of lonely chickie inmates who would gladly pull me into their cell and slam the door shut behind us. See how my plan would make prison a better place? It's just common sense, you dolts!

On the plus side, after Dr. Goodbody's complete and exhaustive exam, I don't have to let Tommy TSA dude fondle my junk...she just checked me over and I'm good! But if Tammy TSA gal wants to give me another exam, I am all for that! I say Tammy TSA gal goes on an in depth and totally complete fondle. Never know what might pop up, right? See? Common frickin' sense people! Use it or lose it!