Pluto, Persephone and Big Mama Work it Out

You remember Pluto, the randy, lonely Lord of the Underworld and King of the Multitudinous Dead? Well, his wife was named Persephone (Pluto had a thing for girls with four-syllable names), Maiden of the Spring. Her mother was Demeter, Goddess of the Corn (the kind you eat) and the Harvest. Anyway, one day, while she was still unattached, Persephone strayed away from her pals and was tripping through the Narcissuses, admiring their bloom-as spring maidens are wont to do-when Pluto burst through a chasm in the earth on his chariot drawn by black steeds, and bore her away to Hades to dally with (poor Pluto had to resort to extraordinary measures to get any nookie); where he then did the honorable thing and married her.

Demeter heard her daughter's screams (she was an awesome screamer), and for nine days she wandered, not eating, until she came to the Sun, who told her what had happened to Persephone. Well, the poor lady was devastated, since she and her daughter were really, really close (this is a myth, after all).

Demeter left Mt. Olympus and wandered among the Mortals. In the town of Eleusis, she hung out by a well, where four sisters saw her and asked why she was moping. She lied that she had fled from pirates who intended to sell her as a slave, and that she knew no one to go to for help. They took pity on her, and got permission from their mother Metaneira for her to stay at their house for a while. To repay them for their hospitality, Demeter nursed Celeus, the young son of Metaneira, with special Goddess Milk, and anointed him with ambrosia, which was supposed to turn him into a god. At night, she secretly placed him in the red heart of the household fire to give him Immortal youth.

But his mother spied on Demeter one night, and got pretty ticked that she was toasting Celeus like a marshmallow-which in turn, ticked off Demeter. So she threw the boy to the ground in indignation (so much for immortality). For the first time, she allowed her divine radiance to fill the room, and they all recognized she was a Big Deal Goddess. She then demanded that the townspeople build her a temple to win back her favor. When it was completed, Demeter moved in, and continued wasting away with longing for her daughter.

That year was the most dreadful for mankind since the beginning of time. Nothing grew; all was barren. And it was all Demeter's fault. Her brother Zeus, from his celestial condo up on Mt. Olympus, sent a delegation down to try to placate Demeter, but she told them that she would not let the earth bear fruit until she had seen her daughter. Whereupon Zeus sent Hermes on his flying bicycle to talk Pluto into letting Persephone go back to her mother.

As you can imagine, Persephone was pretty funked, trapped in Hell with the Dark Dude-who was very fond of Wild Turkey with beer chasers, not to mention all those hairy Deadheads with fried brains. Pluto was a pretty reasonable guy; he let her return to earth, but only after she ate a pomegranate seed, whose magical powers would compel her to return to him.

Persephone and Demeter happily reunited and caught up on old times. Then Demeter's mother, Rhea, dropped in to try to convince her to return to her divine neighbors on Olympus. In return, she would get to see Persephone for two-thirds of the year, from Spring to Fall; the other third (Winter) Persephone would have to spend with Pluto. Demeter knew a good deal when she heard it, and so she agreed, and made the earth bloom once again.

But Persephone was one changed babe. After she began to spend part of the year with Pluto, she lost some of her youthful radiance and optimism and became a realist, recognizing that the beauty of Spring, Summer and Fall was brief and bittersweet, and must end with the coming of Winter-and a blackout on text messaging.