Poems About Genital Herpes and Other Helpful Crap

Whenever I need a break from the tedious work of sorting through my booger collection, I like to take a look at the Assignment Desk to see what kinds of articles the mother ship is requesting from its writers. The assumption is that these articles will produce lots of page hits and lots of money for our employers, so imagine my surprise when I came across these recent assignments: "Top 10 Songs for Plants and Gardens" and "Poems about Gardening."

"What kind of idiot does Google searches for crap like that?" I wondered as I resumed indexing the most recent additions to my booger collection. I have to admit I've searched for some pretty weird shit myself, like "How to remove gerbils from extremely tight places." And apparently it's not all that weird because, believe me, there's a load of info out there on that very subject. Warning: a vacuum cleaner doesn't work and it hurts like hell. But songs for plants and poems about gardening? Who needs that?

Anyway, as thanks to the Queen Mother for having kept me rolling in pennies for the past couple of years, I have come up with some suggestions for a few other content requests to be added to the Assignment Desk. Just think of this as my little way of producing another stupid, senseless article so that I can call myself a "writer."

Top 10 Songs to Sing to Your Penis

Studies have shown music can have a positive influence on the growth of male genitals, and as any woman will tell you, you need all the help you can get. Further studies have also shown that you, in particular, are hung like a gnat-we have pictures to prove it. With that in mind, submit a list of the top 10 songs you sing to your penis. Give reasons why you have chosen these songs. Include personal experience if any, though based on these pictures, you'd better do a hell of a lot more singing. As always, cite your sources.

Easter Recipes for Vegan Drag Queens

It's a familiar story: You've made out your Easter menu of a baked ham, baked beans, mashed potatoes and gravy, rolls, butter, jugs of wine, cocaine, etc. Then your goofy son calls and says he's bringing a date-her name is "Amanda" and he's a vegan drag queen. Now what do you do? It's time to hit the Internet and find something the scary freak will eat. Never fear. Our writers to the rescue! Submit your favorite meatless recipes for men who like to wear wigs and makeup and dress in women's clothing. Cite your sources and use personal experience-like the time you came home early and caught your husband trying on your black, lace teddy.

How to Disembowel a Leprechaun

Tell the truth. You hate the little bastards, don't you? Jeez, does anyone like those little bearded, dancing assholes? The only answer is to get rid of them. Kill 'em all off. And we'll start with that dipshit who's always prancing around on camera at the Notre Dame football games. Legend has it that the only way to kill a leprechaun is to remove his entrails. So we're looking for articles that will give step-by-step instructions on how to disembowel a leprechaun. Be sure to call on personal experience to muster up some anger and inspire your writing. For instance, remember the time you came home from work and found your wife in bed with three midgets? If not, we have it on video. That should jog your memory.

Poems about Genital Herpes

The burning, the open sores, the joy of spreading it around-genital herpes is like one of those pain-in-the-ass chain letter emails, except you can't ever delete the bastard! One of the things herpes sufferers look for are poems that will help them feel better about the fact that their genitals look like a battle zone. To help these poor bastards out, write an original poem about genital herpes. Here's an example of what we're looking for:

You knew you shouldn't put it there
It didn't look quite right.
But the whiskey had you in a fog
Cuz you sat and drank all night.

You couldn't fight the urge
Desire oozed from your pores.
So you went ahead anyway
Now your crank has open sores.

Please use personal experience-which you undoubtedly have-and, as always, cite your sources. Names, addresses, photos, and the bars they hang out in would be helpful.