Poetry: Wondering

When a relationship comes to an end, it often does so a long time before the parties of the relationship realize or or are willing to admit it to themselves, much less to each other. Often, in a relationship, there is a habit, a comfortable feeling of knowing where you are and the person you are with, even when you know the love either isn't there anymore or never was there to begin with.

The poem that follows enters at this point of the relationship, at the point where the couple is trying again, and again, and find themselves in and out of the relationship, but neither are ready to speak the words that bring it to an end.

I hope you enjoy the poem: Wondering

I waited, but it never came
I watched, but I saw nothing
I worried, but no one alleviated fear
Why should I believe he really cares?

I had expectations, a dangerous thing
Leaves me confused and wondering
I should have known better, not to expect
Expectations and longing are instant regret

But as I stayed vigil through the night
This feeling inside that nothing seems right
He made no sound, not a word was heard
Just the tears I cried, and my heart that hurt

I do not expect him to understand
In truth, he is a simple man
Complicating things beyond belief
And silence appears his only relief

There is nothing I can do or say
To make him understand my pain
How much it hurts when he turned away
And how it's reliving the past again

I reached out, desperately scared
Needing to know he cared
And in return, I get nothing, no reply
And so one more night I sit and cry

But soon the sun will rise in the sky
And I'll wipe away these tears I cry
Put on the brave face that is expected of me
Even while my soul cries, "This is not my destiny!"

Alone, and afraid, and terribly confused
I walk through my day thinking only of the truth
But strength is in my face and solid is my reserve
Deep inside, feeling pain I do not deserve

No one will know, because I told not a soul
Just in case, this time, he decided to go
So nothing has changed, to them I'm the same
But inside of me, I am broken again

Help me hold on or help me let go
To the love, to the life I wanted so
Which of these does he want from me,
Giving up or giving in completely?

Can I scream, can I shout deep into the night
Yelling at him, "This doesn't feel right!"
Or do I sit silently, waiting for proof
To figure this out, wait for him to choose?

I told him once that he had to choose
But that one must realize that others choose too
It is your actions that determine the other's choice
It is your own heart that will set the course

Does he want me to stay, will he ask me to wait
When he should know that I'm dying, and I hesitate
To say that I'm willing to be hurt so this time
To be the one left lonely and crying

Put himself in my place, and I'm sure he would see
How hard this has been and how very scary
But through my strength,I have given chance after chance
Believing in love's fateful glance

Yes, I looked for an answer, but none was seen
I waited the night, hoping and praying
Restless and mournful I rose alone
Wondering where the man I love has gone

I waited, but he never came
I watched but I saw nothing

Welcome to my past again
Tell no lies, no-just tell me nothing

So I close my eyes now, I will not see
That there is nothing of love laid before me
Nothing to change the fear I feel
Nothing to show me what is real

Letting him go now-how do I do this
Remembering the feel and taste of his kiss
Wishing things would be different, rearranged
Hoping it can be true, people change

But history repeats itself and I find I'm here
Seeing my past unfold before me, not me future
And that is why I'm terribly scared
And everything seems uncertain and unsure

Ending this and walking away
Is the price I guess I must pay
I don't know how to let him go
When he was never really mine to hold

I mourn the loss of the dream and the love
And will continue to pray to the sky above
I miss everything I thought was real
I miss the way he once made me feel

But I know in my heart, I do not miss the man

I cry for the things that never were
And for the things that never will be
But I don't cry for a love that's died
Because, in truth, the love was never alive