Politics Aside: Discussing Issues as American Citizens, Not as Liberals and Conservatives

Ah, the stay-at-home mom: so quaint, so resourceful, so happy, so...archaic, illogical, impossible? When it comes to raising a family, no issue seems to spark more controversy than the role of the mother. Talk shows and magazines love to debate whether or not moms need to stay home with their children. Stay-at-homes (SAH's) constantly feel pressured by society to join the twenty-first century. After all, nobody can afford to stay at home any more, right? Women are no longer chained to the kitchen, an entire movement took care of that, didn't it? Yet working moms face the same scrutiny. Complaining of being seen as "bad mothers," many wonder if a personal career is selfish after childbirth. Day care is scorned by many as a neglectful, impersonal means by which to raise a child. It appears that women who want children just can't win.

Sadly, politics has done much to polarize the two camps into feeling nothing but mutual hostility for one another. Ever since the Women's Lib movement became associated with radical, liberal politics, women wishing to hold onto their careers felt the need to fling similar political mud at the SAH crowd. Moms at home became right-wing conservative lunatics completely out of touch with economic and social changes. Nevertheless, if the two sides simply exchanged the political rants for quiet dialogue, many mothers would realize that they still share many fears, hopes, and questions about their parenting choice. Join me in an attempt to examine this issue honestly. The conclusions may surprise you.

First, let's separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. We concern ourselves here only with those mothers who truly wish to provide all the love and support for their children as they can. I'm positive we all know of or have heard of those exceptions to the rule when it comes to loving parenting. Sadly, many moms (and dads) had children for the wrong reasons or unintentionally and have come to resent the new additions to their lives. Don't believe me? Watch the news. Sooner, rather than later, you'll see heart-wrenching cases of child neglect that cause you to wonder why on earth the parent(s) had kids in the first place.

These are not our mothers. We care about those who wanted kids and love their kids, but simply don't know the best way to care for them. Let's run down the list of topics that typically divide the two camps and see if some type of consensus can be reached. First on the list, money. Money will be a factor in 90% of all adult decisions, so it's no surprise that it pops up here. Those on the side of the career woman say staying at home is no longer economically feasible. Yet there are many SAH's that seem to get by just fine on one income. Now, this assumes much. First, whether or not one has enough money to live comfortably is often a matter of personal lifestyle. SAH's will be the first to admit that remaining at home requires at least some sacrifices. Perhaps the cable TV was cut, or dining out was now considered only on very special occasions. Your children might not get a new spring wardrobe, because (gasp!) last year's is still in great condition.

However they accomplish it, SAH's will often need to cut some corners. This is not always a bad thing. Many say that less TV time due to lack of cable opened new doors of interests and hobbies that the kids might not have found before. Less TV also might translate into more family time. TV is just one example. Please don't consider me anti-visual entertainment. On the other hand, those who cut corners also face other difficulties. Most parents agree that children face a very tough popularity contest growing up. It's not easy to see a crying child who was mocked for the out-dated clothes with which you provide her. A son without the latest video games finds himself with little to say during some conversations with his friends. It's personal choice. Those who say that it isn't economically possible often aren't willing to sacrifice some luxuries. It's not that big of a deal. Some people need more to be content than others. Is that wrong? Of course not. We all have the little things that we refuse to give up, even if others think we're crazy.

One of the things I don't understand for those moms whose salary is not fantastic, is the cost of day care. Around my hometown? Fifty buck a day per kid. That's pretty steep. My wife and I figured out that day care itself would erase most of the money that she would make in an average full-time position. To me, day care is like rent. We'd just throw the money away and be no closer to owning anything. That's me, however, and that's our financial situation. If the wife, ahem, brings home the bacon, or both salaries are low, or the husband is out of work, still in school, etc., then there might not be another choice. I should also mention that single moms rarely enjoy the possibilities found in a two-income household. There's much more to the money issue, but let's move on.

Next on the list, selfishness. Moms who maintain some form of a career are selfish, right? Wrong. I know many moms (including my own sister) who find that two days per week away from the house is rejuvenating. Nobody ever said that SAH's have to give up a personal life. Some moms literally can't stand to be stuck inside a house all day. When I think of being stuck inside a house after the third straight rainy day with three kids under the age of nine, I don't blame a mom for wanting a little break. For those SAH's try a part-time job, or schedule an afternoon or two off. I know I'm shooting myself in the foot, but dads can help out, too. It may do wonders for both husband and wife.

Women who wish to keep their jobs might do so for a variety of reasons. It's not entirely our fault that today's society is fast-paced and often frantic. The slower lifestyle experienced at home may be too much of a shock to the system. Talk to an SAH, though, and once those kids start crawling and walking, the hours can be extremely hectic. On the other hand, moms have often worked hard for their degrees and to climb the corporate ladder. If you were in their shoes, it might not be easy to give up. They shouldn't have to. Many women have found ways to balance work and family in such a way that their children don't feel neglected. Again, it's personal choice. As long as the children don't feel they are cast aside for the almighty dollar, can we condemn the working mother? I double-majored in college. Now I'm in graduate school. It's hard work. I can't state with certainty that I could easily give up my academic or career achievements in order to stay home.

Number three? The kids of working moms see less loving attention and are thus poorly behaved. True, it may be easier to control who or what influences your child as an SAH, but that doesn't mean day care kids all develop behavioral disorders. I know many who are very nice, respectful kids. As a working mom, one likely has to be more vigilant against what the child picks up in a day care in which the discipline system can be drastically different than it is at home. It is not, however, impossible. SAH's will have to guard against the behavior that their children face in school, so everything balances out. I sympathize with those mothers who haven't seen their kids all day and don't want to discipline them in the few hours before bedtime at home. Yet our role as parents is to develop their understanding of what is acceptable and what's not. Refusing to prepare your child in proper social behavior is more damaging than occasionally appearing as the "mean mom" while he is young.

The truth is that a child's behavior depends largely on what he observes from his role models, not necessarily those people that are around him the most. Be a positive, guiding force in your son or daughter's life and you can often isolate and eradicate any problems. SAH's can be just as neglectful in the discipline category as working moms. Once again, how you love your child and the attention you give him are personal choices. If working moms are concerned with the amount of attention (or even if they're not) use a personal day devoted only to hanging out with the kids. No errands, no quick business calls, no housework. Just be there with them. There's no need to pony up the cash for an amusement park or the movies. Play games, ride bikes, build Lego's. They only care that you're around just for them.

Both stay-at-homers and working moms should honestly evaluate their situation. What works? What doesn't? Then make the necessary changes. Maybe it means giving up the career, maybe it doesn't. Maybe it means getting a job to have some time away, maybe it doesn't. It's all personal choice. Unfortunately, whatever you choose will always be ridiculed. Use it as a teaching tool to show kids that adversity doesn't always make a choice wrong. Be strong in your convictions and don't feel that you have to defend you're decision. Only the individual mom knows how she feels and how her children feel. Make a decision that's right for your family, not your mother, neighbor, boss, or friend. Be prepared to receive criticism from all types of ignorant, angry, politicized people. Take it from a husband whose wife has just chosen to stay home. The only opinions that matter are those of your own nuclear family.