Polyamory: Frequently Asked Questions
Many Love, Many Questions
The one thing that is common, or at least should be common, across all polyamory relationships, is clear, open, and honest communication between all parties involved so that each person involved in a poly relationship knows exactly where they stand and what to expect from their poly relationship.
That being said, there are a few 'standards' that can be addressed, and that's what this article is going to do. We will answer five common and basic questions about polyamory.
1. What is Polyamory?
Polyamory is a relatively new term for relationships, and it's only recently become a commonly recognized word for a type of alternative lifestyle relationship. There is much debate about where the word originated and who coined it, but the term may have been used as long ago as the 1960s.
Poly stands for 'many' and amory for 'love', so essentially, polyamory would mean 'many loves'.
However, not all polyamorous folks have many loves, some may only have one love, while their partner has two, or maybe they only have two people they love, or maybe there are many people involved. In fact, there are as many different poly relationships as there are people involved.
Essentially, though, polyamory is a situation in which two people who are in love with each other have at least one partner who is also dating, involved with, or in love with at least one other person, with the full consent, approval and blessing of their partner/s.
2. Wouldn't polyamory be considered cheating?
To be perfectly honest, to someone who is not polyamorous, it may indeed seem like cheating. It's important, however, to note that cheating involves breaking of trust, deception, and lies to hide the activity.
Because of this, polyamory is not considered cheating, since all activity, dating, and yes, even sex, is with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. In that respect, as long as all parties involved are fully aware of the circumstances, open with all other parties involved, then polyamory is not cheating.
There can, however, be cheating even inside a poly relationship. Saying you're poly is not an excuse to just sleep around outside of your relationship. That would be cheating. Poly is also not 'swinging', which we'll explain in #3. In order to keep polyamory from being cheating, full disclosure, open communication, and approval of all parties involved is required. Without full disclosure, cheating is possible, even in a poly relationship.
3. I've heard of poly before, but I thought it was called 'swinging'. Is there a difference?
Yes, there is a big difference between swinging, swapping and polyamory.
Swinging and swapping almost exclusively refer to sexual activity. Polyamory refers to relationships and love, which may or may not include sexual activity.
Arguably, some swinging relationships can indeed become close, and could perhaps even turn into poly relationships at some point, but when the primary focus of the relationship with another or another couple is to engage in sexual activity, that is swinging.
4. Are poly people bisexual?
Some are, but not all. In fact, my experience has been that most poly people are predominately straight, even if they sometimes share a bed with a same sex person while inside the poly relationship. Sexual orientation, gay, lesbian, bisexual - refers to an attraction and desire to members of the same sex (or both sexes).
I know a poly triad in which all three in the relationship are romantically and sexually involved, and two of them are men, and one is a woman. The two men both identify as bisexual, as does the woman in the triad, even though she is not currently involved with a woman.
I also know a poly triad in which the two men involved identify as straight. The woman also identifies as straight. In this relationship, the two men are both romantically and sexually involved with the woman, but they are not involved romantically or sexually with each other. They are, however, good friends.
So as you can see, poly relationships do not automatically mean you have to be bisexual. As I said, most of the poly people I know are straight.
5. Does everyone in a poly relationship have to be polyamorous?
That's a tough one to answer correctly. If what you're asking is, "If my wife is polyamorous, does that mean I have to date other people too?" Then the answer is no. If you're asking, "Just because I have two boyfriends and a husband, does that mean my husband has or should date other women?" Then again, the answer is no.
However, if just once person in the relationship is dating, loving, or involved with at least one other person, then the other partner has to accept that, agree to it, and deal with any potential issues that may come up because of the poly person's other relationships, and the other people involved too.
So essentially, if you agree to allow your partner to be in a poly relationship with someone other than you, even if you do not yourself date or become involved with someone else, you are still essentially in a poly relationship, and that sort of makes you poly too.
If you are approached by your partner about a poly relationship potential, and you are not perfectly comfortable and okay with that idea, then you have the right to tell your partner that poly is not for you, and to request your partner to honor the original 'agreement' you two made to be monogamous only to each other. If your partner cannot accept that, then the two of you may need to renegotiate or dissolve the relationship.
For now, let's just say that as long as just one person in the relationship is poly, and the others in the relationship know this and accept and approve of this, then it's safe to say everyone involved is poly too, because of the unique dynamics the relationship with the one practicing poly requires.
Who knows... if you can accept poly in your partner, and truly enjoy seeing him/her with someone else, loving, experiencing joy at their joy with someone else, you may just be surprised how you can find yourself exploring other loves in the future for yourself, too.
Published by PolyQ
PolyQ writes about love, relationships, sex, marriage, intimacy, alternative lifestyles, and traditional relationships too! View profile
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11 Comments
Post a CommentInteresting article, very well written.
Thanks for writing this article. :) There's so much bad stuff being said about polygamy with that raid recently. I really wish polygamy would be made legal, so that people in polygamous marriages could receive proper protection in cases of abuse or divorces.
So I will always defend polyamory, because I have witnessed beautiful relationships. I have witnessed people trust each other in ways that most married couples can't manage. I've witnessed commitment ceremonies between three people, and it was just as touching as a traditional marriage. At the end of the day, they were humans who cared about each other, and acknowledging the fact that it is possible to love more than one person at one time. Except where many people would end up cheating and bringing pain to a loved one, these people have decided to be - hmm - mature? Honest? And think outside of the relationship box.
...it gave him a lot of pleasure to do so - and so a large part of our relationship focused on material things. Shallow-sounding, I know, but there was genuine emotion, too, even if it was kind of casual. At the same time, I found my deeper emotional needs fulfilled in someone else, and yet another person with whom I could share my love of social awareness and activism.
And then one day, I met someone who fulfilled all of these needs for me. And I am not saying that this is how it is for all polyamorous folks, it is just my experience, and should not at all be assumed as any standard of normality! But I did meet a guy who engaged me on all of these levels, which is when I gave up polyamory. I was nervous about doing so at first, and there were a lot of hurt people, but I'd realized that polyamory was no longer for me. Sexuality and identity are fluid things, so in case anyone thinks it is impossible to be monogamous sometimes and polyamorous others, and vice versa, trust me, i
...baby-sitting. Got together to have dinner or coffee often, and share advice. And comforted each other when a couple or triad broke up, and tried to be impartial at the same time, knowing that these people would remain a part of the community.
So there are some things I miss about being polyamorous. I miss the freedom from the regular strictures society places on relationships. Being bisexual, I had the freedom to enjoy both genders, not just sexually, but in a true relationship capacity. And I will admit, there will always be a warmness when I think of my ex-couple. We'd all snuggle down and watch movies together, cook and clean together. They'd help my daughter with her homework. A lot of people can't (or don't want to) understand how a family like that could work, but it totally can, and does.
I think that what I got from polyamory was the multiple opportunities to have my needs and desires cared for (and vice versa.) One guy I dated loved to treat me out to nice
This is an excellent article! I spent a long time involved in polyamorous and bisexual relationships (as well as swinging, and sexual exploration in general.) I have witnessed this lifestyle work fabulously for people that I know. I dated a man who was married, and I was great friends with his wife. I was the "secondary" to both people in a couple, who were "primaries" to each other.
There is an episode in the L-word where they are trying to see who slept with whom, and who's connected to whom, and in my experience, it can be like that in a polyamorous community. Because polyamory is so rarely understood, when one relationship dissolves, chances are that a new relationship will form with someone that everyone already knows. Oddly enough, for the circle I was involved in, it ended up making us one large - albeit dysfunctional - family.
But we knew and loved each other's children. Went camping together and to concerts and parties and events. Carpooled and took turns baby-
"It is all too easy for their emotions to become twisted from the slightest misunderstanding. Not everyone can handle this sort of thing, and the emotional damage that can result could destroy them. Remember, love is about putting your partner's needs first - if you have doubts that your partner could be happy in a poly relationship, it is best not to even ask." Please keep in mind that EVERY relationship is like this whether poly or not. Over half of monogamous relationships fail. Nearly 60% of "monogamous" relationships experience one partner cheating through their course. People love other people anyway, and by hiding it behind the screen of a socially acceptable "monogamous" relationship, people really get hurt.
It might be a good time to mention that polyamory is a lifestyle choice made independent of religion and bears no relationship to cult practices or the domination of women. In fact, some polyamorous people discard the idea of traditional marriage because the custom is a holdover from times when marriage was a business transaction between a woman's father and the man to wed her. Traditional marriage bears its roots in a time when women were considered little more than child-bearing cattle, the bridal veil even represents the bag sometimes tied over the protesting, struggling woman's head. Polyamory is about honesty, choices and freedom. I've seen people of all different races, religions, and backgrounds involved in polyamorous relationships.
This is a very interesting topic. I can see a lot of room for hurt in this kind of relationship, but if everyone involved is mature enough to handle the situation, I see nothing 'wrong' with what you've described. As long as there is love, support, trust, and, most importantly, joy, then there is the potential for immense happiness for all involved. That said, many people might not fully understand what they're getting into when they agree to this kind of relationship - these folk need to be very careful, because it is all too easy for their emotions to become twisted from the slightest misunderstanding. Not everyone can handle this sort of thing, and the emotional damage that can result could destroy them. Remember, love is about putting your partner's needs first - if you have doubts that your partner could be happy in a poly relationship, it is best not to even ask.
Great job on this. Alot of people are confused about this lifestyle and your article will help them figure it out. :-)