Polyamory: Look Before You Leap

Polyamory. The word can elicit a multitude of reactions, ranging from "What's that?" to "That sounds fun!" to "You're going to hell!" Most reactions come from a misunderstanding about what polyamory is, so first I will try to explain it. The word "polyamory" means "many loves," and is used to described consenting, intimate relationships between three or more adults. The key here is that they are consenting relationships. So if you have a girlfriend that you haven't told your wife about, sorry, you're not polyamorous, you're just cheating. There are as many combinations of polyamorous relationships as you could possibly imagine. Some great info is available at alt.polyamory (http://www.polyamory.org/) and Polyamory? What Like Two Girlfriends? (http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html)

After exploring what polyamory is, you may be considering this lifestyle for yourself. Here are some things to consider before you do:

1. Communication is key.
I can't stress this enough. If you cannot be completely honest with your partner(s) then polyamory will not work for you. And completely honest means telling them when you're feeling jealous, telling them when you are lonely, telling them when you feel neglected, and telling them if you feel that poly is not for you.

2. Jealousy happens.
You may think that you won't get jealous; that you can love someone and share them without any worries. You may be right. You're probably wrong. Humans are clingy creatures, we like attention, we like to keep our toys to ourselves. Jealousy is a natural reaction when you aren't getting the attention that you think you deserve. It also pops up when you're feeling insecure, comparing yourself to the other(s), or feeling depressed. Don't try to bury the jealousy, acknowledge it, accept it, discuss it with your partner(s), and move on. It may take awhile to move on, but keeping the communication going will help.

3. If it feels wrong, it's ok.
If you find yourself involved in a poly relationship and it feels wrong, for any reason, that's ok. Be honest with yourself, be honest with your partner(s) and be prepared to move on. Don't stay in a poly relationship simply because you are in love with one of your partners and don't want to lose him/her. You will only be miserable, resentment will build, and the entire relationship will collapse. There are many, many reasons you may feel wrong in a particular poly relationship. You may be uncomfortable with poly in general, and a monogamist at heart. Or it may be that you are simply not in the right relationship. It's ok to back away.

4. Don't bounce back and forth.
It's not fair to your partner(s) to bounce between polyamory and monogamy just because you are feeling uncomfortable or jealous. Make the decision to be polyamorous. If for some reason you find that it's not working for you, step away from the relationship. You can ask your partner to end their part of the poly relationship, but if they don't, it's not fair to hold it against them. You can continue the relationship, and deal with your own emotional issues, or you can step out of the relationship entirely.

5. Find a counselor.
It may be difficult to find a poly friendly counselor, but it can be done. Call around, ask a lot of questions. Search the internet. Try the listing of poly-friendly counselors here: http://www.polyamory.org/SF/poly-friendly.html Counseling is important because it can open the lines of communication between you and your partners in a non-threatening setting. You can get a third-party perspective on what some of your issues are, and that insight can be invaluable.

Polyamory is not right for everyone. It may or may not work for you. But if it's something that you and your partner want to try, these tips may save a lot of heartbreak.