Pools of Blue Under an Azure Sky

Like any story, save for those beyond the scope of our imagination, a beginning is always the signal of an end. It was in this beginning that he first found a reason for living beyond himself, a lifelong dream come true. But, as with all stories, it had to come to an end.

***

As his recollections go back, he remembers the cold gaze of her blue eyes upon him. At first, they seem almost to have a hint of sympathy, but then, they turn to ice. The love he remembers in them, the compassion, the feeling, is all but gone. He cannot bear it, but must, as they have duties to tend to. Who gets the bed? Who gets the television? What books are whose?

As she walks around, trying to give him things he does not care for, he simply focuses on her eyes. In love, deep pools of blue that for so long, he had always admired. He had loved how she looked upon the world, how her eyes always seemed to find the fun or the best in things. Had he truly changed her to this? Had he truly divided them so?

Fighting back tears, he went through the things with her.

"This is yours, remember? I gave it to you," was a common line he would speak. She would often try to persuade him otherwise, but he remembered well everything he had ever given her.

"Well, I bought this for you," she would say to him with other things. He would merely sigh, replying, "Yes, but you took the rest of what went with it. I don't need it."

He couldn't help himself, to be honest. Part of him wished he had been cooler, more disconnected, angrier, or something in some way. But he could not be dishonest with her. He had grown to trust her so much, that even now, he could not help but wear his heart.

As she left, taking a few articles, she turned to say, "If I have anything of yours, don't mind asking me for it." She wore a smile with these words, but her eyes remained the same. The deep pools of blue, refreshing water he had known so well, were now bitter cold and iced with an indifference he could not understand.

"Ok," he replied, defeated and empty.

***

Never leaving, never fleeting...

She continues to come to his mind.

Defeated, alone... He wishes for someone to tell him that things are alright.

They do, but he doesn't believe them. They tell him he will fall out of love and into it again, that it will be better.

But in his heart, he doesn't want to let go.

Music in the background... Music they had laughed and cried to... Together...

He reaches for the bottles again, downing the cocktail...

***

"I am breaking up with you," she speaks, sitting at his feet as he lies upon the bed. He has hurt for days, and been insufferable in his lethargy and broken spirit. He had failed at something so trivial, but could not understand why. And now, she speaks words that he felt she would, somehow knew she would, but dreads to here.

"I thought you were going to say that today," he replies, keeping his composure, his spirit now twice broken. "Why?"

"Lots of little reasons... You already know them all, anyway."

He looks at her, into her eyes, those beautiful pools of blue he loves. They are fighting back emotion, fighting back welling tears. She gets up, wanting to go out, he can tell. She wants to be away from him, to sort things out for herself, but in all his heart, he cannot let her go.

"Can we talk?" he asks, his voice with renewed strength, still trying to keep what composure he has left.

"Maybe after I get back," she says.

She goes downstairs, and yet he follows her. He cannot bear to let her go. He wants to walk with her, understand what is going on. He can feel his heart breaking in two, then in three... It is crumbling inside him, and his mind is breaking at the very thought of it.

He follows her, talks with her... He tries to convince her to try, but she will hear none of it. She is done trying, because she wants something that he cannot give. More so, she wants him to be free, to not be held back. She wants them both to change, to become better. And still, he does not understand.

He holds her arm harshly, making himself, for the first time, question his own being. He wants to kill himself right then. Not because of her hurting him, but because he hurt her. She allows him to follow, but keeps the talk short. She hardens as they go, not allowing him in. He cannot bear it.

He collapses to the ground, crying the name he has always known her by... The name that she is to him. She merely tells him no, and that he has to move on. He cannot bear it, and follows her further. He loses himself, and is unable to cope any longer. He forgets himself, and breaks down there.

He stares into her eyes. The pools of blue are full of love, tearing up but holding stern against him. He cannot bear the look. He cannot bear to see her hold back. He passes out somewhere, alone but still hoping. Maybe it is all a dream?

***

Tears fill his eyes and his chest pounds in pain...

It is not the cocktail yet, but merely his broken heart. For ten weeks it has beaten brokenly, as if clutched by someone in his chest.

He downs a drink of beer, followed by another of something stronger...

He hopes for dehydration and poison...

He hopes that they will let life, let him go.

***

They had made up. A platonic living ended with an emotional joining.

He was sad and sorry that he had ever doubted her. She was crying in his arms. The world felt right again. It felt like things were going well.

She looked up into his eyes, smiling with a face full of tears. It hurt him to see her eyes, those pools of blue so full of regret and love. He held her close.

"I love you so much," she said, whispering her name for him as she came closer. "Don't ever leave me, ok? Don't ever leave me."

"I told you before," he said to her, holding her close, "I will never leave you. I'll only leave if you want me to, and even then, you'd have to fight me off."

She laughs and sobs at these words. He embraces her and holds her close.

"We'll change," he whispers to her, stroking her back gently. "We'll become better people. I'll learn to be better for you."

"I'll try," she whispers to him, her tears almost drowning out her voice.

They lay together, crying in each others' arms. Their breathing aids one another, putting them both at ease. Slowly, he can feel sleep taking him. So many sleepless nights, not knowing what they would do.

He looks at her weary eyes, watching her sad smile. Tears flow from the edges of her eyes, pools of blue dulling with weariness and content. Her happiness shows through, the kind that love is built on.

His heart is mending, and as he feels her heart beat to match his, he becomes at ease. Love conquers all, and the ending of their story is far away.

He feels this.

He knows it.

***

So many feelings pulse within him... Does she love another without ever telling him? Why wouldn't she have told him?

Does she just want freedom? Could she had not have had it with him?

Is it selfishness? Neediness? Is he at fault?

He can feel the telltale signs of the cocktail beginning to take its toll. He can feel his heart beginning to race, making his body tingle and jitter.

One chemical down in the list of death... Accelerating his processes... Making him more succeptable.

He cries "I'm sorry..." as his mind wanders elsewhere.

***

The memories are blurred, as his mind reaches further back. He remembers the first hint of their falling out... He can hear her sad and melancholic voice echoing in his mind, "I don't know if I love you anymore." At the same time, he can remember all of the "I love you!" voices renouncing it in his head.

He thinks back to a walk through the woods, with her and their close friends. They walk along the paths, smiling and recounting experiences to one another.

She makes a smart-ass remark, which only begs a smart-assed reply. She smiles happily. He admires her smile and her laugh as she sits there.

Their friends laugh. One stomps off, her sister, taking pictures of all things from flowers to frogs, to everything else. She makes an annoyed grunt at her sister's pace and picture taking. He merely plays it off, happy that they can all find peace and joy on the hot summer's day.

After many stalls, they march off together, heading their way. Somehow, it always seems, that they walk at each others' sides. He looks to her, admiring that her sunglasses are up for once. In the sun, her skin and face are so happy.

And then, for the first time in the several years of her relationship, he is able to gaze at her eyes under a sky much like the one he fell in love with her under: pools of blue, full of joy and peace, under an azure sky.

***

Was that all there was left now?

He clung to them with a grasp like death. Broken dreams and hopes... But he still felt them, beating within him, wanting to be expressed.

His head was becoming foggy and his stomach was turning. The second and third of the chemicals were now at play, as he felt his skin becoming extremely hot and itching with malignant sensation.

As he lay there, suffering, his thoughts kept coming. He wanted to tell her he was sorry...

He was so sorry...

And in his fevered dreams, she would only reply, "It's ok. It's not time yet. You'll be fine."

He longed for her to truly tell him these things.

He hoped she would...

Before he no longer could hear them...

***

He fingered the object loosely in his hand. It had taken half the week just to procure the materials, but only a day to forge. A simple, silver ring... Not something extremely exquisite or costly, but elegant and sincere. Inside the band, an engraving of their names, and the date they had sealed their first vow to be together. Wrapped within it, a short message about the thought that drove him to finally do it.

He was nervous, and wondered why he was so. He would just pop the question. But, somewhere inside, he feared asking her. She had had a rough summer already, a rough year for that matter. He didn't want to put more stress on her. She needed to relax more, and this could just make things worse.

Slowly, he stepped off the plane and walked down the terminal. His head was dizzy from lack of sleep and the like, but he knew that it was worth it. As he approached the waiting area, he could see the baggage claim. He stood there, waiting for his bad, waiting for the time when he would see her.

She surprised him, giving him an unexpected hug. It made him happy to feel her around him. He turned to her, to see her happy face. But as happy and bright as those pools of blue were, the lines of her face were anything but.

Work had been hard, and she was not as happy as he could have hoped. Life had been stressful, and he could tell she was not feeling any better.

He told himself to wait, keeping the ring within his pocket. He smiled to her and gave her a small kiss, something that embarrassed her in public.

"Welcome home," she said, smiling through her fatigue and pain.

"I'm glad to be back," he said. Grabbing his bags, they walked out of the terminal together.

He vowed to ask her in the coming weeks. He couldn't wait to see her eyes light up, those bright pools of blue that had made his heart leap. The very same he had dreamt of, on a child of their own.

***

"I never actually asked her," he cried to himself, under his breath. He didn't want to disturb his friends nearby, and hoped they would not take notice of his state.

He remembered how he had arranged to give her the parcel, to satisfy an inner want and his therapist's want for him to move on. A wonderful Easter Day surprise, but no...

Thins never went as planned...

His plans just never seemed to work anymore.

He tossed and turned about, reaching for the drink concoction once more.

His head pounded with the feeling of advanced dehydration and dementia. The poison was takings its course.

He cried to himself, wanting to hear her voice again. He wanted to see her, one last time.

***

His mind couldn't keep the memories straight any longer. He remembered the first time they made love, the first time they had gone to a movie as a couple. He remembered the first time they had eaten out together, the first time they had been with friends.

It was all a jumble of happiness, pain, and sorrow... Brought together in that beautiful mystery called love.

His mind drifted farther back, and he recollected one of his favorites. His mind held still...

Laying there next to her, he remembered how they had returned to the room together. He had fallen in love with her, and he knew it now. But he wanted to express himself. He couldn't wait any longer.

Slowly, he eased himself above her, looking down at her. She was asleep, or so it seemed. Or perhaps waiting for him to act? He watched her carefully, examining her face and skin. She was so beautiful, that he could hardly contain himself. How had he gotten this close to her? How, in so unintentional a fashion?

He took a deep breath, knowing what he needed to do. He bent down towards her, and place his lips upon hers.

As he did, he could feel her respond, replying to his kiss with her own. They kissed for a moment, and then started anew. He kissed her, and she kissed him back. They continued back and forth, acting and replying to each others' motions.

Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked at her, stopping for a moment.

She opened hers, looks up towards him, her eyes curious and wanting. Her expression was calm, but puzzled, looking up towards him. Her deep pools of blue yearned for him to return.

He smiled, and so did she. Slowly, he kissed, her, his eyes open, focused upon her. Smiling, as she did the same, he allowed himself to close his eyes. Kissing her again, his mind filled with those pools of blue, driving heart.

***

He could barely move.

He had vomited several times. Now there was nothing left within him to put up.

The cocktail had moved through with what little moisture was left. Severe dehydration caused by the cocktail and lack of hydrating drink was in full effect.

He laid there, his head throbbing, his stomach turning, his body tingling with sensations flashing between hot and cold.

"I miss you," he said in full voice, sobbing as he did. "I miss you so much." He repeated her name over and over, feeling his heart throb violently.

And yet, through it all, he could no longer cry.

He was fading, and he knew it. He wanted to call her, to hear her voice one more time. But he knew he couldn't, or that she wouldn't respond.

He cried tearless cries to himself.

As he felt his mind fading, he forced himself to think.

And with those thoughts, found himself back at the beginning...

***

The day was warm and they had finally started setting into their new roles as young adults away from home.

How much time had he spent with this girl? He could not say. Between talking with her, playing games, ballroom dancing, and the like, he could barely guess. She had issues, and probably was a little crazy. But, at the same time, he found her so intriguing to be friends with.

But did he want to be her friend?

He didn't know any longer. To be honest, he couldn't keep his thoughts straight on it any longer. He had done so much talking with her, etc, that he was starting to think it could be something more. And yet, he was sure that he could keep himself distant.

Sitting outside among their friends, they lay under an azure sky, watching the clouds drift by. They had kept moving, staying in the sun and avoiding the shade of the large cafeteria nearby. He continued to lay next to her, chatting and relaxing.

Suddenly, the sky seemed so clear, and it made him smile. The day was so peaceful. And he found himself, strangely happy. She touched him every now and then. Their personal boundaries with each other had lessened to the point that physical contact was fine.

Hell, they had even fooled around a bit, even if he wasn't so proud of that fact. But, it was nice. And she... Well, she made him feel something he had not completely known before.

She got up for a moment, stretching, taking in a deep breath and arching her back in the warm but fading fall light. He looked up at her, smiling. And as she looked back, he realized once and for truth that he had fallen. His heart, at that moment filled with love. And he knew, that despite everything else, he would love her.

She looked down at him, her eyes full of peace and glee. She stared at him, smiling: her eyes, deep pools of blue, under an azure sky.

***

He looked up, smiling, as the memory came to rest. He could feel her there, even now, and looked towards her.

"It's a great day," she said, echoing words he had heard on that fateful day. "I really think everything going to be alright now, don't you?"

"Yes," he whispered, staring up at her.

She smiled down at him, placing her hand on his. He smiled back. And he saw her, as she always was to him. Smiling. Laughing. Looking down at him, through loving eyes.

Deep pools of blue under an azure sky...