Poop Culture: Scott Baio is ... Oh, Who Cares?

This has got to be the most ingenious plan to be implemented in reality TV since thoughtful, scripted dramatic and comedic programming was banned from American TV sometime in the late nineties: The Average Joe followed around by a chronically intrusive camera crew recording his very average life. Active ingredients: money, half naked blondes (apparently effective for any type of TV programming), and past tense prominence. The Average Joe? Scott Baio of Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi and Charles in Charge, etcetera, etcetera. The product? Scott Baio is 45 and Single, but in a long term monogamous relationship with a former playmate.

Well whaddya know? Joanie loved Chachi, but Chachi didn't love Joanie. He couldn't; he has a disease. Doctors and life coaches everywhere have been testing and retesting new treatment methods to manage the problem. The cause is still unknown as is the general age of onset. The symptoms vary, but most who have the illness are often indecisive in social and intimate relationships and may suffer from promiscuity. The disease? The big CI - Commitment Issues. Thank God he caught it in time, at 45.

Wha-? Are you kidding me? For this he gets a reality TV show? It's like an R-rated version of Disney's Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Baio and his BFFs (Best Friends Forever) a dude affectionately referred to as "Cuch", a former child star, and Johnnie V., who I swear is the incarnate version of Wormwood of C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters, pursue eating, drinking, and sleeping and pretty much anything that brings legal pleasure episode after episode; not a new concept friends.

So Scott Baio is single at 45; so what? So he has commitment issues; so does the better part of the American male population. So he's always looking for the next best thing; so is virtually every other Tom, Dick, and Raheem.

Nevertheless, according to a recent article, Nielsen Media Research states Baio's "simple life" netted over 1 million viewers and held rank in the "top ten basic cable programs in its timeslot."

Apparently it has done so darn well that, like Jason and Freddy Krueger, Baio is coming back - next season. Oh and the best part of it all is the SBFC (Scott Baio Fan Club) is "being developed NOW!" (Emphasis not mine) Yippee! According to his official website, this is my "...one and only chance to get up close and personal with Scott!" (Again, emphasis not mine) Didn't he admit he didn't like people and had to be coerced into an autograph signing with Joanie, which he arranged Wormwood to come rescue him from after only a few nanoseconds?

That's hot.

What's even hotter is that he's reproducing! Yes, Renee, the actress portraying his girlfriend-turned-betrothed in the so-unscripted media offering is pregnant. And we all know what that means...a new season to explore potential fatherhood issues!

Kids, our beloved Nancy Reagan taught us 3 very empowering words: Just Say No, or at least, not right now.