Pop Tarts: !he Indispensable Food for America

--Education Week, December 10, 2008

The paragraph above stopped me short when I read it in the middle of an Education Week magazine story about improving data to the nation's schools. The anecdote appeared as illustration of Wal-Mart's ability to gather data on its products to better know the mind of its customers.

But how well does Wal-Mart really know America's consumers? How can anyone fathom the mind of people who, when facing threat of a hurricane, stock up on Pop-Tarts, of all things?

I've eaten my share of Pop-Tarts, but they are not the first food I would probably think about when stocking up on supplies before a hurricane.

Then again, Pop-Tarts are almost a perfect food. They come in a foil wrapper and are not likely to spoil. You can eat them cold or heat them up. But a quick word of warning: never heat them up too much. They have been known to explode in the microwave.

But moving on: You can toast Pop-Tarts and dunk them in nice warm hot cocoa if you choose. So Pop-Tarts really are a versatile food. Maybe Wal-Mart shoppers know something about the food value of Pop-Tarts that I don't know.

Being the modern guy I am, I paid a visit to the web site Poptarts.com. Here's the strange thing: There is very little information about Pop-Tarts at Poptarts.com. Here's another strange thing: The site opens up with a short little video telling kids they should get outside and play. This suggests two things. First, the Politically Correct Food Police got to the Pop-Tart people and made them grow a conscience about fighting childhood obesity. The video telling kids to go outside and play also suggest the Pop-Tarts people have not yet heard their product is so popular among Wal-Mart customers during hurricane weather. I can just hear the family discussion.

"Mom, the Pop Tart web site says I have to go outside and play."

"I know, Billy Jo," says mom. "But there's a hurricane coming and the wind is blowing 140 miles an hour, so you'd better eat a few more Pop Tarts before you go outside or you'll be too light and blow away." So much for preventing childhood obesity.

It is very odd to me that the Pop-Tart web site does not have any more information about the product than the rewards for playing games online. You would think that Poptarts.com would be filled with information about the many flavors of Pop-Tarts you can buy. Instead it seems like the people at Kelloggs do not want people to know how many flavors of Pop-Tarts they make. This might be part of a government conspiracy. You see, Pop-Tarts were popularized during an era when NASA was inventing all kinds of food for the astronauts. Pop-Tarts would be the perfect food to consume in space along with Tang and Space Food Sticks, making a perfectly balanced meal of carbohydrates, Vitamin C and protein. Problem is, you'd be so fat you'd sink to the bottom of the Space Station even in zero gravity.

The only place I found real product information about Pop-Tarts was at www2.kelloggs.com, which had this happy little bit of promotional goo: "Great-tasting Kellogg's® Pop-Tarts® toaster pastries are fully baked and ready to eat right from the box, or you can warm them in the toaster. And many varieties are exceptionally delicious frozen.Pop-Tarts provide seven essential vitamins and minerals. They contain zero grams of trans fat, and they are available in a variety of favorite flavors. When you're on the go, take along Go-Tarts™snack bars - everything you love about Pop-Tarts, now in a bar."

So now we know. There are Pop-Tarts and Go-Tarts. Which are immediately followed by Burp-Tarts and Fart-Tarts, the natural byproduct of all this foody tartness.

Still, I must admit Pop-Tarts really are a testament to efficient food construction. They are so thin you figure you'll never gain weight by eating them. Pop-Tarts also have neat little holes in them so you feel like you're letting the calories out as you eat four or five of them.

But best of all, many Pop-Tart brands have FROSTING on them! Anything with frosting can be considered part of the 5 or 6 major food groups. That means Pop-Tarts rank right up there with ketchup, which President Ronald Reagan insisted was a vegetable.

That's about the extent of what I've learned about Pop-Tarts from intensive research that consisted of clicking one search key on Google.

Might I also suggest that you could create an extra layer of insulation against a hurricane by plastering your interior walls with the foil-lined wrappers in which Pop-Tarts are sold. The foil might be useful protecting you from the effects of a nuclear blast as well. I believe I already mentioned that Pop Tarts were popularized in the 1960s when we were all afraid America was going to be blown off the face of the earth by Soviet Union. Hence the foil wrappers.

Some people still like to eat Pop Tarts like there is no tomorrow.

For example, I once bought several multi-packs of Pop Tarts for our Sunday School class. Each box had about 16 Pop Tarts in packets of two. We handed out the Pop Tarts to the group. Most kids took one box of Pop Tarts and sat happily eating their strawberry, blueberry or chocolate Pop-Tarts.

But one boy slipped off with couple boxes of Pop-Tarts. He ate all 16 Pop-Tarts in about four minutes. While this was a disgusting act of greed and avarice, I had to admire the sheer determination of his appetite. As I recall, this particular child had a few "issues" back home. Maybe his house and family were blown away by a hurricane. There is nothing like a few Pop Tarts to make it all feel better.