Pope Benedict Strip Searched at Airport: Security Guards Sneek a Peek at Catholicism's Crown Jewels

After his recent trip to Toronto, Pope Benedict XVI was subject to intense scrutiny at an American airport when he failed to go through the screeners without setting off the metal detectors. This news follows the recent revelations about a terrorist threat foiled at the JFK airport over the weekend. His Royal Highness had arrived at the airport via his Popemobile about one o'clock yesterday, anxious to get out of Canada like so many tourists are. He was planning on visiting US President George W. Bush later this week, to make known his opposition to the immoral practice of abortion, and defend Catholic pedophilia.

According to sources, the Pope had only carry on baggage when he attempted to board Flight 69, flying from Detroit to Washington. But as he slowly stepped through the metal detectors, a sharp buzzing echoed throughout the airport. This repeated three times, after the Pope willingly removed a watch, a belt buckle, and a Prince Albert cock ring. Despite all this, the metal detector continued going off. From this point on, the Church's record of events and the official airport report differ. According to the security guard on the scene, the Pope's behavior was anything but religious. The guard, Harold Channing, insists the Pope could be heard yelling extremities at anyone who'd listen.

"He said, 'Jesus H. Christ. What the he double hockey sticks is all this? Only he didn't say double hockey sticks," said Channing. "When I frisked him he began to get violent, telling me I'd be damned for eternity for this, and so on." The Catholic Church's version of events go like this. "Security Guard Harold Channing recognized the passenger as the Pope, then profiled him as a suspected terrorist, exercising his anti-Catholic bigotries."

"I asked the Pope whether he had any metal in his head that could be setting off the detector, or perhaps a metal hip replacement," attests Channing. "Then he said to me, 'What the hell is this, confession?' It was then I asked him to disrobe." The Church resumes the incident. "His Royal Highness was insultingly asked if he was part robot, to which he answered in the negative. Despite the fact that the Pope is confined to telling only the truth in all circumstances, the guard wasn't convinced. He then ordered the Pope to disrobe."

What happens next even Channing won't talk about. But Associated Content has uncovered the rest of this developing story. Apparently when God's representative on Earth was exposed, a police dog nearby presumed a certain vital part of his body for a bone and then attacked, ripping from the Pope his manhood and threatening his Popedom, since present Catholic law prohibits anyone without a penis from holding the elevated position.

Hiding behind the missing appendage was what was apparently setting off the metal detector. Guards on he scene found two young alter boys hiding in the folds to the Pope's robe, wearing nothing but metal crucifixes around their necks. While those present thought the worst about the two young boys, Benedict insisted he was merely snuggling the boys back to the Vatican, thereby rescuing them from French Canadian Protestantism.

The Pope's Appendage was recovered and sewn back into place with three stitches. But his boys were sent back to Toronto.