Population

We've heard some bleak reviews of the human race, but deep down I think that people are generally ... everywhere. Especially during rush hour.

It's not that people are bad; we're just a little bit squished. Remember sixth-grade science?

"See, Jimmy, as the rat population grows too dense, the animals start to abuse each other."

Meanwhile, in the parking lot, someone was breaking into teacher's car.

The TV people remind us to carpool, recycle, chew ABC gum, etc., and while I'll do my part, we could trade in all of these PSA's for one overriding memo: Quit having so many children.

Remember the show "Eight Is Enough"? Eight children is not enough; it's way too friggen many. I live by a dock where every day new cars, still in their wrapper, drive off the boat and into gridlock. That's their first experience in the U.S.

How long till we have yo-yo girls working the freeway? "Cigarettes... Candy... Soda..."

If California falls into the sea, it won't be from earthquakes but from sheer human tonnage. Seriously. When Californians say we have a front yard, we mean it literally: three feet.

How come you need a license to drive and fish and style hair, but anyone, even Rosie O'Donnell, can bear an unlimited number of children? My cousin has a baby every time she needs attention.

"Look what I made!"

"That's nice, honey. Put it in the crib with the others."

I know a man whose parents had 20 children and don't know where half of them are. Trapped in gridlock, presumably. Maybe it's time for some kind of child-bearing parameters. One baby per 30 I.Q. points? If you can't spell vasectomy... ?

Consider that I myself come from a large extended family, people who don't use birth control because it isn't "natural." Of course, they're also so old-fashioned, they still believe the world is flat. So it goes.

When the Iowa couple had septuplets, we called it a miracle, but the woman was freebasing fertility pills. She could have gotten pregnant being downwind from sex.

Is anyone else uneasy with Dr. Moreau in the lab? Rumor has it that humans have already been cloned and that zombie-like creatures with heavy brows and crude worldviews await their turn to run for office.

I once attended a meeting for in vitro fertilization. The doctor wielded his lab coat as one might a cape.

"And once we transfer the embryo, aspirate the follicles, and align your ovulation with my golf schedule -- voilà, nature's little miracle."

In days agone, we had lots of children to ensure our survival; now we have to stop having lots of children for the same reason. If nothing else, think about Santa Claus. You know he's campaigning for zero population growth.

It's just that if we go on like this, it's going to lead to more pollution, more rat brutality, and ultimately a land rush in Arizona, where people will fight like crazy over their new beachfront property.