Porky's Open Bar, Round I; The Madness Can't End

Porky's...now there is a name that leaves a lot for the imagination to ponder? What is it? Is it a sexual position Ron Jeremy perfected in his hey? Is it a greeting in some 3rd world language? Or is it a bar in Chelsea where I go and get blisteringly intoxicated with my friends and a bunch of hot chicks? I think that could be it. On one of my many drunk excursions at the be-fabled bar, I filled out a entry ballot for an open bar contest one night. I normally write down some ridiculous name like "Captain Pump Puss" or "Russel Jones" or "Patrick Bateman" but for some reason I decided to drunkenly scrawl my government. A few weeks later I received a phone call from a vibrant and energetic woman aged 18-25:

Young Lady: Hi can I speak to a Jim Search?
Search: Yes this is a Jim Search.
Young Lady: Hi this is Denise from Porky's how are you?!
Search: What is the meaning of this call?
Denise: I was calling to let you know you won an open bar from 10-11 for 15 of your friends at Porkys Saturday night to celebrate Cinco De Mayo, how does that sound?

Search: Fuckin rawesome, can I wear my sombrero?

Denise: Well of course, you totally should!

I don't think Porky's has ANY idea what they have gotten themselves into. For one, inviting me to an open bar is like a personal challenge to me...but from 10-11? Giving me a time limit, that is a lot of fucking trouble on their end. I have to stuff an entire night of drinking into 1 hour. I had to prepare myself mentally and physically for such an event. Similar to Lance Armstrong before a race. It takes a certain intangible level of drive for an athlete to succeed in such an event. I must say I have my alcoholism in spades, and this was going to shine brightly on such an evening.

I rounded up every binge drinker I knew in the tri-state area who could tolerate me drunk and informed them of their invite. Despite my caustic charm and volatile wit, not many people can stand me for more than 50 seconds. I call them friends, now I will give you a list of attendees in no particular order:

-Tin Man

-The Killer Touch

-Ka-ti-e

-Mean Mary

-Jackster

-Rock Block

My commute to Porky's was filled with many more wild drunkards than usual, it was Cinco De Mayo, the day everyone is drunk, or Mexican, or both. On my walk over, I saw a Mexican drunk bus haphazardly driving the streets of Manhattan. Now let me describe this bus, you know the stereotypical bus in every American-Guy-goes-to-Mexico? The one that was from 1950, had boarded windows, a dragging muffler, graffiti all over the sides and and a few livestock running around it? That was barreling down the street with reckless abandon. I almost made a detour to flag the bus down and join their party. I fought off the urge to speak broken Spanish and foraged on to the bar, preparing to viciously drink for free then find the cheapest bar possible.

I arrived at Porky's and much to my dismay, the line was extended all the way down the block to get in. Obviously they had no idea nor clue exactly who I am. I sauntered up to the front of line and politely informed the bouncer I was the World Heavyweight Open Bar Champion Winner and I needed to get in. "Sorry pal, you and everyone else on line won too." This must be some mistake, I was the winner of this open bar, this is out of control! I did what any raw Binghamtonian would do....slowly walk towards the back of the line, find someone I knew, jump on my cell phone and slide in line. Without fail, I see Ka-ti-e and Jackster, waiting on line. I jump on line with them and being my raw expedition. Rock Block saunters his way to the line and I instruct him in the ways of rawness to cut the line, our numbers are growing.After some anxious anticipation, I am admitted into my open bar party. I see Tin Man with his girlfriend off to the side, he tries to greet me but I am entirely focused on the task at hand; unmerciful drinking, wild and reckless comments to young women dressed like they were going to church....stripper whore church that is, and general and full scale assault. After securing two free drinks, slamming them, demanding two more, slamming them; then being questioned as to whether I was alright, and slamming two more I then rejoined my guests to entertain them with my demonic banter. I see The Killer Touch for a brief spell, who then immediately leaves the scene being that it is filled with "those guys"(if I have to explain it to you, then you are one of them) and trashy trashy whores(up my alley). After some small talk, I get a call from Mean Mary, she is outside being fashionably late. I go outside to get her in, since she has a strict guideline of never waiting in line this is going to test my true limits of shit talking, slick walking and general guile and subterfuge. I explain to the bouncer "Ahhh man my lady friend is always getting me in trouble man, can you let her in please?". I see him analyzing the overall situation; how slick I was talking, how hot Mean Mary is, and whether this would benefit him. Mean Mary says "hey I'm sorrrry for being late!", he then lets her in. "I talk slick and they buy it, no coupons needed." I tell Mean Mary. "Yeah, try that with one of your guy friends." she said. Touche Mean Mary, touche. We enter the bar...and let the real madness begin.

The alcohol hits me Reginal Denny car tour in Watts. I am 8 ways from sober as I careen through the crowd. In order to clear the crowd to the bathroom, bar, etc. I routinely yell "I'M FUCKIN PREGNANT!" or "I'VE GOT AIDS!". These two statements without fail, cleared the path a la Moses and the Red Sea. The hi-jinx were only to come more and funnier. I'm talking to Ka-ti-e and Mean Mary and I lean in to say something and out of nowhere, a short large chested blond girl abruptly interjects, "did you ask me something?" "No, but I can, whats your name sweetheart?" I sleazily say." OH MY GOSH HE WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, DON'T TALK TO HIM HE'S TROUBLE!" Ka-ti-e and Mean Mary ring in."Oh, well I'm about to leave" large chested blond says as she walks in the opposite direction of the door. "Really? Doors the other way slickheart." I inform her. I begin to grow weary of this nonsense so I kick it into overdrive...with nothing else but a fishbowl. I refuse to acknowledge the price (my ATM card does) and feed my patrons with alcohol, namely Ka-ti-e and Jackster. We immediately demolish any and all alcohol in the fishbowl, after which I hold in the air triumphantly and claim as my own, and Ka-ti-e and Jackster run wild in the bar(I have photos to prove it), legend has it a pair of black shutters fell over Jacksters eyes that night. I was no better, lecherously macking on any girl who would entertain me. Mean Mary quietly observed on the sidelines, interjecting some wry remark. Then out of no where a set of those guys start dancing with each other....a little gay? Perhaps. Is it cool in NYC? I guess. I then tell all my guests and the rest of the club that these two guys worked at a strip mall in Staten Island, and performed their dance routines before, during and after work, and only lived for Saturday nights at Porky's. I get creative and truthful when I drink. Rock Block called one of his friends to join the madness, and shows up just in time for the open bar to expire, which means we found another bar to harass.

Everyone was hanging on one another to get to the next bar (namely two of my guests who will remain nameless), which thankfully was right around the corner. We descend on the bar and find what quite possibly was the saddest human being God ever had the displeasure of making. The bar was nearly empty except for a middle-aged man, with oily and matted hair, with a beat up suit coat and a pair of eyes that wanted to steal pretty young girl youth. He had with him a grocery bag full of beer, obviously used as some sort of luring device to a sucker ass broad. He picked the wrong group to attempt to harass. His first target was Jackster, he tried some tired ass old man game and began pawing at her. Rock Block stepped in and informed him Jackster was his wife and his actions were inappropriate. As Rock Block put it he was "a richboy filth caught up in the grip of his addictions". He got off light. Old Man Scum tried to work his same ridiculous game on Mean Mary, who was having none of it. She was saying every demeaning and horrid thing she could think of, but he would not get the point. That is when Rock Blocks friend and I teamed up for a full assault on this Old Mans existence. We both pointed out how "lame and pathetic it was for a middle aged man to attempt to talk to a girl who could have easily been his daughter", asked "how his cocaine addiction was going?" and "whether he expected to live another day", or "would his addictions, a knife and his bathtub be his new best friends". I routinely kept enticing him with I will buy whatever is in your grocery bag for an 8-ball and $200. His eyes would glisten like a child at Christmas, then I would laugh and say "just kidding man". Rock Blocks friend told him over and over he was bi-polar and finally the guy said "Come outside and I'll show you how bi-polar I am". I said "What, are you going to go outside, be angry then start crying?" Somehow I managed to convince him to take a picture with me and Rock Blocks friend, sort of like shooting a 8-point buck and getting our photo with it. I just got the photo back and saw the guy had cocaine residue on his shoulder, swear to God. Sometime when I get enough money, I will get the picture scanned and link it to the story. After this absurdity, we decided to hold court at another bar.

I am in a pure alcoholic haze now, lashing out at anyone who is remotely near me. I start a huge diatribe to Rock Block and Jackster about how "I gotta fuckin ride the 6 train back to the Bronx and I will fuckin stab anyone who gets near me". Rock Block hoped that I would hold the knife in my hand, fall asleep and stab my neck. Much to his dismay, I did not stab my neck on the way home, hence how I am still alive and writing this story(editors note: I did cut my finger rather terribly that night). Some meat head decided to start hitting on Mean Mary, and I got caught up in his those guy routine. He gave me $15 to buy a drink, I kept the change, and then he showed me some cool bar move to pull on some guy who started with me...real cool. I was just happy I got $15 so I could eat after the bar. Much to his dismay, Mean Mary and I left the bar to for the diner. While at the diner I pranked one of Mean Marys friend who later thought I kidnapped her, I sure know how to have a good time. I had some pictures left on my camera, and began taking pictures of myself like a real weirdo. I could feel my hangover starting to creep on me, so I drunkenly teleported back to the Bronx.