Porn Again - You Too Can Be SAVED by the Internet

I came across a website that I have to admit titillated me at first to no end. The site is called XXXChurch.com, also touted as the #1 Christian Porn Site. It's run by two young guys who realized that the largest viewed and most profitable segment of the Internet remains pornography and why shouldn't they get a piece of it. I thought "Oh cool. Linda Lovelace meets Mother Theresa". I always wondered what Sister Charles Bronson really looked like under her habit. In fact, I dated mostly Catholic girls when I was younger, imagining that they may grow to become naughty nuns and call me.

There's just something about a woman in uniform.

So I decided to explore a bit. The first statement I came across was:
"Internet pornography is the new crack cocaine leading to addiction, misogyny, pedophilia, boob jobs and erectile dysfunction according to clinicians and researchers testifying before a Senate committee."

Ohh-Kay. Not really what I expected, but I'm here now, they did mention boob jobs and mass doesn't start for another three days so let's see what this all about. Who knows? It just may save my cybersoul or something.

The listings on the site seemed innocuous enough - Missionary Positions, Say No to the Bunny, Porn Inc., Wackos, Hate Mail and, of course, Buy Our Junk were among the various departments. They have a little black car they ride around in called the Porn Mobile.

Craig Gross (looks like a computer nerd) and Mike Foster (looks like a punk rock band dropout) are the two Porn Again preachers trying to save the 15 to 35 year old crowd from Internet porn for the tv advertisers. They refer to themselves as the Goofballs (no, really?). Based in California (no, really, again?), they drive their Porn Mobile to colleges, churches, crack houses…uh, I mean, frat houses, wherever they can find their audience. They're asking for donations to make a (porno?) movie so they can spread the word to everyone. One of the more intriguing links was the "68.5 questions you can't ask your Mother" which allows you to email questions to them. I really wanted to know what that .5 question was, but I passed. I was afraid I might not understand the answer.

They have a software program that can be downloaded called X3Watch which monitors every web site visited by a computer and compiles a report every two weeks. Both volunteered that they have the reports forwarded to their wives (What's THAT all about? And, what happened to Mom?). They started the Pete the Porno Puppet ad campaign, actually choreographed by the "famous porn film director Jimmy D," to warn kids about the evil of porn. My God, what a nice group of young people, trying to save the youth of the world from Larry Flynt and his Legion of Licentiousness. Gee, I might have to click on the "Help Some Brothers Out" link and take out my credit card….

Then I saw it. It was called the Save the Kittens program. It started with "Ask your friends if they've killed any kitties lately". Excuse me? It was all downhill from there. Without going too much into detail, the bottom line is they believe that every time someone masturbates, God kills a kitten.

And everything was going so well.

So, as my wallet slid back into my pocket, I'm thinking "Now wait a minute. I like God. I like kittens. I like…." Never mind. You get the picture.

God kills a kitten each time someone masturbates? Boy, I hope He doesn't have cable. There aren't enough kittens in the whole damn world, including the ones they use for lunch in China, to cover a statement like that. I think these guys have been playing with Pete the Puppet too much if you ask me.

I should have known better after they started trashing boob jobs right off the bat. I mean come on - the Porn Mobile, Pete the Porno Puppet who had puppet porno scenes produced by "Jimmy D" (with a black stripe across his eyes), an anti-masturbation God who kills kitties and send me money. Where did I go wrong? Why can't I dream this stuff up?

They were right about one thing, though. The crack - they're smoking it.

Gotta run. I heard the Shop Rite just got a new shipment of "Do-it-yourself" boob job kits and hey, Christmas is coming.