Portal

She couldn't believe it. How did she ever let herself get talked into taking a cruise? She would much rather be comfortably at home looking at the hole that she calls life, than sitting here looking through a hole to the ocean. She wondered if she could crawl through, and if anyone would notice.

Her smile actually reached her eyes as she enjoyed visions of her fat butt getting stuck half way through her planned escape. Although she appreciated the knowledge that legs flailing through the tiny window was certain to draw attention, she was blissfully unaware how much attention her true smile alone was drawing.

They couldn't help but notice her. No one looks that sad and distant on a cruise. She had been the talk of the ship since her arrival. She never said a word unless spoken to first, and even then so grudgingly that even the staff hated to disturb her with her own requests. She was never rude; she just seemed to shrink into herself until they went away.

She wasn't so attractive as to require a second look, but the older well-meaning ladies couldn't help but cluck about her story, hoping to find the perfect gentleman to take away her sorrow. All the gentlemen, younger and older, wanted to wrap her in their arms to protect her from whatever sadness she was running from. Even the other young women could not help but stare in wonder and worry; would they turn out like that some day?

Most people assumed at least some part of her story. Some guessed that she was a recent widow, even though she wore no ring. Some thought she must have been a care-giver and, due to the death of her charge, she was now able to explore the world. One or two secretly thought she faced the loss of a child, because they knew how sad that could make a person. Many speculated about love denied, or even an unexpected career change. No one bothered to ask her.

So she sat alone looking through the portal, wondering what was to become of her life. She sat alone in a room full of people, feeling more lonely than she did in her shadow of an apartment. She sat alone and tried to ignore the sounds from the bar behind her.

"It just can't be ignored, can it?"

"Excuse me?"

"The ocean. It refuses to be ignored. It won't allow you to be distracted by booze, music and company." His laughter was easy and covered the gentle reprimand hidden in his words.

"Ah!" she curled one side of her soft lips up. "I'm sorry. I'm not very interested in people."

"We've noticed. May I sit?" he asked as though he would actually wait for an answer. No knowing how to say no politely, he was comfortably seated before she had really even begun to stumble over her tongue.

He stretched his legs out and leaned back in his chair, staring as intently at her as though she held the secrets of the ocean. She didn't know what to say. These were exactly the kind of situations she had been avoiding, and now here she found herself trapped. His long legs blocked her from being able to make a clean get away, and he obviously had expectations of her. That did it.

"Don't think I am going to go to bed with you!"

There was no doubt that he was shocked, but not for long as his loud laughter drew the attention of the gossip mongers, creating a new direction of inquiry. "I must say-for someone who seems overly shy, you are rather forward!"

She felt the heat overpowering her cheeks. She would not let it reach her eyes. What a fool she would seem to cry over a conversation! "Just glare at him," she thought. "That will make him go away!" Her face crunched up as she mustered every inch of her self into the thought "GO AWAY!"

He leaned in toward her, looking her straight in the eye, his mouth curved in a gentle smile. The silence between them brought her so much pain she thought she might throw up. People never understood how much their intensity affected her until they actually saw her freak out. She really didn't want to freak out!

He must have seen the panic rise in her eyes because he started shaking his head. "Hey!" he whispered. "It's OK. Really. I just wanted to share some time with you. Maybe talk. Or not. How about we just sit here for a minute so I don't look like an ass in front of my friends?"

She didn't know if it was the tenderness in his voice, the concern in his face, or the thought of embarrassing him in front of her friends, but she could feel her internal switch click. The panic that had reached her throat began to slowly fade away as the two sat and looked at one another. She realized she had been staring, so she quickly shifted her eyes back to the window.

He seemed content to sit quietly with her, waiting out whatever tide kept her apart from the real world. A waiter stopped at their table, and he ordered two drinks; one "light on the alcohol". She turned to him with a questioning look. "I didn't think you were much of a drinker. I'd like to see you relax a bit, not fall into my arms."

That smile, she was beginning to learn, was both honest and mischievous. She had no doubt that he wouldn't complain if he found himself with an armload of her, but she also thought he wouldn be genuinely disappointed if it was a sloppy her. He was definitely unlike anything she had previously experienced. Most men would have taken the opportunity to ply her with alcohol, but he seemed content to just sit.

The waiter brought back their drinks and hesitated; curious to see how she would react to the beverage. The smile she directed at him was the best tip had would receive on this cruise, and he nearly floated away to brag to his fellows that HE made the sad lady smile!

She was not insensitive. IN fact, it was likely her over-sensitivity that caused her discomfort, and she quietly chuckled at the reaction of the waiter. He was surprised to see her respond so pleasantly to such a small change in the waiter, and he realized that she was exactly what he had been looking for. Now it would take time and patience to get her to see that he needed her.

She could feel the shift in his attitude. For some reason she did not feel as threatened by it as she normally did when someone was focused on her. She wanted to ask what he saw, but she refrained. He would tell her whatever it is he wanted her to know, without prodding from her. Everyone always told her more than she wanted to know. She turned back to the window, determinedly enjoying her drink and her view.

They sat like that for most of the day; she sipping at the various drinks he ordered for her-all "light" of course, he listening patiently to the shifts in her attitude toward him. Although she observed the changes in the ocean's great sky, she was more aware of her changes towards him. The ocean drew her thoughts away momentarily, but they always came back to him. Who was this strange man and what did he want from her.

Supper time came and went, and still, they did not speak, only shared the meal the flattered waiter brought to them. As shadows shifted and observers exhausted their patience, their little cove became more comfortable. Her fear and confusion subsided to acceptance and even agreement. She was actually enjoying this quiet company.

Blue sky faded to streaks of purples before she decided to speak. "Thanks you." It was so simple and quiet, he thought he might have mistaken a breeze through the plants.

He looked at her and smiled. "You are quite welcome."

They looked at one another in silence. He could see that she wanted to speak, but had learned that she would not do so without an invitations. "What's on your mind?" he asked with a slight nod of his head, as though she needed more than verbal acceptance.

She did not hesitate, "Why are you here?"

He sat back with surprise. He hadn't expected her to come out with it like that. He thought she would ease into conversation with nonsense about the weather or other patrons. But not her. He know she meant why he had remained in that seat with her, but he was bound by sacred oath to answer questions with a clear and clean heart. She had cut to the point, and now he must risk all for the sake of her.

She felt the shift in the air between them. It was intended to be a simple question, but no sooner were the words out of her mouth before she realized the magnitude of the question. There WAS something different about this man. Just like there was something different about her.

"Are you sure you want an answer to that question?"

"I don't ask questions that I don't intend to be answered."

He chuckled," No, I guess you don't." He motioned to the bar tender to bring over two fresh drinks, asking for no disruption as they were delivered. Instead of making her fear his intensity, she was drawn to it like a thirsting man to water.

He took a long drink and turned to look to the sea. With a deep breath he began:

It was not always like this. There were not always these boundaries between the earth and her people. Not even among the people. We were all connected. To one another, to the Mother who serves us, to the Father who protects us. It was a time of great beginnings and a full serenity.

Then the Emergence came. There became Beings of thought over emotion and they pulled apart from the things they could not Know. Those who could not feel inside, became creatures of what could be felt on the outside, and the split happened, creating this existence that we are in now.

But this world was created with an emotional core, so the beings of thought became conflicted and destructive. What they could not control, they wanted to eliminate. They did not understand that this world and it's beings are not to be controlled, but to be experienced.

And in this conflict comes creatures like you.

He stopped as though his story were finished. Instead of understanding, she was even more confused. "Like me?"

"Creatures who read the core."

"Creatures?"

"Beings. Not quite human, not quite spirit, not quite elemental. Something "other"."

She sat contemplating, her eyes no longer seeing the sun play its nightly dance on the waters. Instead, she watched her life play in the theater inside her mind. She had never been anything close to "normal". Even as a child, she showed more sensitivity to things unexperienced by others. More than ghosts or daemons, she knew the spirit inside men, which was what lead her to her withdrawal from humanity.

Just like she knew when it was time to leave, she also knew when it was time to emerge. This trip was not something she would have ever chosen to take for herself, but she believed in the signs and wonders of this reality. Her grandmother had entered into the contest only days before she passed from this world. When she stepped on board, she realized this was more than a dying gift from her Grandmother, but she did not see it for the cosmic blessing that it was.

He wondered if she would believe him. So many sensitive beings had been so scared by this reality, that they could no longer hear cosmic truth. His lack of understanding only made those revelations worse. How can he make another believe when he knows they will never have full understanding? But he knew that when each one serves their purpose, all becomes at it should be, so he discharged his duty as messenger the best he could, knowing that even in the moments he sees as failure a greater success may be in place.

My friendly Reader; I ask you to stop a moment and consider. Each day we are presented with "truths" that seem beyond our understanding. They are not always presented to us in neat little bundles, and even when they are, we often question the parables inside. To what end? It is in our misery that we seek the greater "truths" that validate our existence. We seek the answers, even knowing we are, in our humanity, unable to have perfect understanding.

Must we require understanding and agreement in order to share our suffering or that we may overcome sorrows with serenity? Or is it in sharing the questions that we truly find peace?

She looked at the man sitting across from her. Or was he really a man at all? She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or the revelations that caused her to see twinkling stars in his being. She was certain this man-this moment-was beyond time and place. Could she really believe that of herself as well?

Can any of us?