Positive Adoption Language - Being Sensitive When Asking Questions About Adoption

It amazes me how fascinated people are by adoption and that complete strangers feel they can ask very personal questions just because we are an adoptive family. I'm proud of my son and proud that we were made a family through the miracle of open adoption. If people have questions, I'm very open to answering or helping people understand adoption better. However, 95% of the questions people ask us are said without any sensitivity to my son, our family, or his birth family. So through this article I hope to educate others on positive adoption language.

One of the most common things I hear is the word "real". Is that your "real" son? Do you know his "real" mother? Well, my son isn't imaginary so, yes, he is absolutely my "real" son. Also, I am his "real" mother but he does have two of us. One mother who gave birth to him and one that raises him. We are both his "real" mothers but we do have very different roles and both deserve respect. However, if you wanted to give either of us descriptors then I would say the woman who gave my son life is his birth mother and I am his adoptive mother. But please, don't use the word "real" - it's just insulting.

The second thing I hear a lot of is about our birth mother's choices. "Why did she "give" him up?" "How could someone "give up" their child?" Anyone who knows my son should know he is WAY too precious to ever be 'given up'! My son was placed for adoption. His birth mother made a plan pretty early in her pregnancy to give him a different and better life then she would have been able to. She chose with VERY careful consideration all her options and decided to place him for adoption with us as his parents. How could she do it? With the utmost love and respect! Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It is not an easy decision by any party involved. It is something that takes respect for everyone involved. It takes someone with an extraordinary amount of courage. It also takes someone who loves their child more than themselves to choose to suffer the hurt and loss so that their child can benefit.

Adopted, adoptive, adoption! The one thing I did not expect when we adopted was to suddenly become a little bit of a circus act. I walk into rooms where I don't know people yet they know me as the "woman who adopted". My son is not my son but my "adopted son". Yes, adoption is how we became a family. I have the utmost respect and appreciation for adoption. But we are more than that. I am a mom just as anyone else is. My son is a boy just like any other boy. I am happy to share our adoption story, to educate others on adoption, but adoption is not all we are. I don't need to hear about your sister's neighbor's aunt's cousin who ran into a guy who just adopted a baby. I appreciate that there are a lot of wonderful adoption stories out there but I don't need to hear everyone of them.

I hope that this article has shed some light on just a few of the common things that are said to adoptive families, children, and birth families and will help you to stop and think twice about the language that you are using.