Positive Parenting: Talking to Your Kids About Divorce and Separation

It is Sunday morning and little Tommy Child is sitting on his bed, Indian-style, twirling his thumbs. Toys loiter around the room, abandoned. The television screen's blackness looms where vibrant cartoons should be frolicking. Tommy stares out his window, pondering.

"I should've cleaned my room when I was told."

Max swaggers up to Tommy. His cold, wet snout nudges Tommy's leg. A swift air-slap shoos Max away.

"I shouldn't have spilled the paint on that dumb dog's tail."

Raucous laughter penetrates Tommy's window.

He glances at the neighborhood kids and their Dads outside his window. They are building a Frosty amid renegade snowball fights. Last year, Tommy found the biggest carrot and his Dad hoisted him up to plant Frosty's nose.

"I wish I hadn't of been so bad all the time and maybe my Daddy wouldn't of left."

No parents want their child to live this Tommy Child scenario. So, let's look at ways to prevent it.

Convince Kids the Separation or Divorce is NOT Their Fault

Of all the parenting skills couples about to separate or divorce need to master, the most important one is "convincing" kids that it is not their fault. To say the words alone is not enough. Kids must believe they are not to blame for their parents' divorce or separation or the guilt can have a detrimental effect upon their self-esteem forever.

One way to counteract self-blame is reasoning. Give your kids logical reasons for your separation or divorce. Kids are much smarter than we sometimes give them credit for when it comes to adult matters. Please present your reasons maturely such as, "Mommy and Daddy want different things out of life" or "Mommy and Daddy still care for each other; we each want the other to be happy and we have realized that we will both be happier living apart."

Bite Your Tongue before Belittling Your Soon-to-be EX

As mature as we all fancy ourselves to be, anger may override common sense. During a separation or divorce, to say nasty things about our Ex's may provide self-satisfaction in moments of weakness. However, parenting before selfishness is what kids need. You may not want to say nice things about your Ex. It may actually kill you to say nice things about your Ex, but remember you are not doing something nice for your Ex; you are doing it for your kids. If kids believe one or both of their parents are bad people it is as detrimental to their self-esteem as self-blame. Kids know they are part of their parents. So, if their parents are bad, what does that make them? Try to share the responsibility for your separation or divorce equally. For example, "Your mother and I this and your father and I that."

Strengthen Kids' Self-Esteem with Love

The fact that separation and divorce, by their very nature, have the potential to damage kids' self-esteem is the overpowering reason both parents need to focus on nurturing self-esteem. Make sure your kids know you love them by your actions. Both parents need to sit down and have heart-to-heart talks with the kids, attend events that are important to them, and praise them for their accomplishments. Explain to your kids that you are human and, therefore, not perfect. Don't try or promise to be perfect and don't try to outdo each other. Promise to do the best you can. Promise to always be there for them as much as you can. Promise to be in their corner and always keep their best interest at heart.

Keep your Promises

Counseling

Each child is an individual and each separation or divorce may involve specific issues pertinent to a child's well-being and future. If you have any parenting doubts at all over issues that arise related to your separation or divorce, please do not hesitate to seek professional counseling. A little help now could save a lot of pain in your kids' futures.

Additional Information

For more information about the effects of separation and divorce on kids and professional parenting advice, please read the article The Effects of Divorce on Children from the University of New Hampshire (See Link Section).