Postal Service Mysteries Revealed - Part 1

You've all done it, gone to the Post Office to buy stamps or mail a package. You've stood in line, because maybe the stamp machine in the lobby ate your $10 bill, or is out of stamps. These are simple transactions, so they don't take too long. Unfortunately, there are a few things that can happen to make your line waiting last three or four times longer than necessary, and they aren't your fault.

Here are 10 Reasons You Stood in Line at the Post Office:

1. A customer wants to mail a package, so puts 2 bathtowels, 2 washcloths, a box of designer soaps, a cut-glass soap dish, and a rubber ducky up onto the counter. She tells the clerk she wants it mailed as quickly and cheaply as possible. The clerk does not laugh in her face.

This customer obviously has a maid, or thinks she's in Macy's. She doesn't want to hear the clerk explain that the Post Office doesn't do the packing for customers, only the shipping. This woman does not want to lose her place at the counter to go get packaging material from the lobby, and she certainly doesn't want to have to pay for packing and shipping, too. She spends at least 5 minutes arguing with the clerk, casting aspersions on the United States Postal Service, and ensuring that the clerk will have a really bad day. Wonderful for the next customers.

2. A customer goes to the window and hands the clerk a pinkish-orange form, saying he got this in the mail, and he has Something To Be Picked Up. The clerk looks at the form, and her face falls, because the letter carrier neglected to indicate on the form just exactly what it is that needs to be picked up. She heaves a great sigh, warns the customer in advance that this could take "a few minutes," and disappears into the back.

She now has to look through every Certified Letter, every Registered Letter and Parcel, every package, every Express Mail piece, every shelf, tub, bin and cage hiding in the bowels of the building. All because the letter carrier didn't tick off any boxes on the pinkish-orange form. The back of a Post Office is highly organized and categorized, but it doesn't help if the clerk has no clue of what's being looked for. It just shaves a few minutes off the search.

3. A customer wants to open a P.O. Box, which requires two forms of ID, one of them with a photo. This is because the Postal Service wants to be sure the customer actually is who they say they are, and that they live where they say they live.

This customer has actually read the P.O. Box application, and has the requisite IDs. The application is all filled out and ready to go. So what's taking so long?

It seems this customer wants a Box with a certain letter or number in it, preferably in a certain order. They're into numerology, so it's essential that their P.O.Box has the right "vibes." The clerk, being trained in people-pleasing skills, and instead of telling the customer that he'll get what he gets as far as his Box is concerned, heads off into the back (again), in search of the perfect letter/number combination that will keep the customer satisfied. 10 minutes later, she emerges, looking exhausted but triumphant. Or, 15 minutes later, looking harrassed and ready to Do Something, possibly to tell the customer exactly what she thinks of numerology, and P.O.Boxes that vibrate.

4. A customer doesn't speak very much English, and not one of the clerks can translate for this customer, despite the fact that the United States Postal Service employs an international rainbow of people. None of the customers in line can help, either. So, the customer and clerk resort to pidgin sign-language, which isn't very effective because both come from different cultural backgrounds, and it effects their communication. Much laughing and gesturing ensue, the transaction is finished, and both customer and clerk are relieved to have it all done with. So are the people in line.

5. A customer wants to send an insured, registered, package to an international location, but didn't realize they also need to have filled out a Customs Declaration form. So, the clerk has to help them fill out the form, then correct the "From" and "To" parts of the address labels, then count out the sale because the customer is paying for them in nickels, dimes, and pennies. The postage is $37.00. This will take approximately 20 minutes.

6. One of the clerks realizes that it's time for his break, and goes in search of someone to take over for him, which leaves one clerk to handle the line that's been steadily building since the Post Office opened. If no one comes to relieve the clerk that has just left, it could add another 10 minutes to the wait time.

7. A customer who sells on eBay needs to mail the items he's sold. There are 87 packages, and they're organized according to size and destination. This helps, but each package still has to be individually weighed, measured, stamped and paid-for. Every mailing transaction starts with a zip code, and moves on from there. Some of these items don't have zip codes, or have incorrect zip codes, so these particular items have to have the destination zip code looked up. Then they can proceed.

8. A customer wants to purchase money orders. She wants 12 of them, all with different amounts. The money orders can all be paid for together, at the end of the transaction, but each money order has to be printed individually, and then each serial number on the money order needs to be checked against the receipt. This customer is chatty though, and loudly explains that the reason she needs so many money orders is because she's not allowed to have a checking account due to a court judgement, so she comes to the Post Office every two weeks to get her bills paid. She pays with cash, of course, and the clerk has to count and re-count the money, because $2,732. 47 is nothing to sneeze at. The customer does not have any $100 bills.

9. A customer wants to send a sheaf of papers, and wants to know the fastest, cheapest way to get them to their destination. He asks the clerk to find all the different combinations, then can't decide between Express Mail, which is the most expensive, but guaranteed, and Priority Mail, which is cheaper, but not guaranteed. He decides on Priority Mail, but then can't decide what sort of confirmation he'd like to purchase. Express Mail has automatic confirmation, but confirmation for Priority Mail needs to be purchased separately. There are 5 types of confirmation, and he wants to see how much each will cost in conjunction with his Priority Mail. He then decides to just send the papers in a large envelope, because "they're not really that important."

10. Last one: You came to the Post Office at the wrong time of day. If you want to be in and out in short order, never go to the Post Office: 1) immediately after it opens; 2) right before the lunch hour; 3) within an hour and a half before it closes. Unless you like standing in line.