Postpartum Depression - One Year Later

I am a survivor of postpartum depression. Lately, I have been reflecting on my journey through the disease, because it was just a year ago that I finally felt full relief from my symptoms. My daughter, who is now 18 months old and brings me so much joy every day, was born premature due to a variety of health conditions that were affecting me. As a result, she stayed in the hospital and I was sent home empty-handed. This, along with the myriad of drugs I was on before she was born, is what I truly believe sparked my journey through depression.

I felt hopeless, and I felt like I would never enjoy being a mommy. You can read more of my story in How I Was Treated for Postpartum Depression. What I want to focus on now is the "after" part of the story.

For the women (and spouses) reading this article who are in the midst of postpartum depression right now, let me assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Last year, I decided to go back to work even though my husband and I always wanted me to stay home with our children. I did not think that I could handle staying home emotionally. Today, I am staying home with my daughter and loving every minute of it. Well, almost every minute. I am sure every stay at home mom has "those" days. The point is, I no longer feel that being home with my daughter is a trap. It is a joy to me now, whereas a year ago all I wanted was to go back to work.

I have taken measures to make sure that I do not become too crazy staying home, however. When my daughter finally came home from the hospital, we were not allowed to go anywhere due to the fact that she had a weak immune system. I felt so cooped up, and that only made the depression worse. I know that this could easily happen again, so I make an effort to go somewhere every day. Even if we just walk around the block or go to the grocery store for milk, we leave the house daily.

Today I still have days that I feel the depression creeping back into my life. The difference is that I have the ability to control my feelings. When I start to feel blue, I take some "time off." I either get a babysitter or let my husband watch my daughter so I can run to the store alone. This is all it takes to clear the blues. Before, when I was in serious depression, I felt that there was no hope. I was even suicidal, truly believing that my family would be better off if I was gone.

I have regrets, yes. I regret that I was not more informed about the disease before it attacked me. I regret that I waited almost two months before I got help. And I regret that I didn't tell more of my friends and family what was going on so they could support me through my difficult time. But life moves on, and I choose not to dwell on these regrets. Each day takes me farther from that experience and helps me feel more confident as a mother.

So what would I tell women who are in the midst of their own journey through postpartum depression? First, get the help that you need! I waited two months before I got help, and I missed out on those first two months of bonding with my daughter.

Second, I would like to assure you that this is not your fault! Postpartum depression is a very real physical and mental condition. You did nothing to cause it! You are not a bad mom because you have it, and the feelings you have towards yourself or your precious baby are not real. They are just the disease talking.

Third, get out of the house. Sometimes you cannot stand the thought of getting out of bed in the morning, but going out into the community really does help. Get up, put on some nice clothes and makeup, and go to the mall. You will be amazed how much it helps just to be around other people.

Finally, when you start to feel like you cannot handle it anymore, talk to someone. You will feel guilty. You will feel like it's your fault that this is happening. You will feel like no one else can understand. This perhaps is true. Unless you know another mom who has been through what you are going through, your friend, spouse, or family member may not understand completely what you are going through. But you need to talk about it to help you get control of what you are feeling. Find someone you trust whom you can go to when it gets really rough. Put that person's number on speed dial if you have to. You must build a support structure around yourself, so that you can get through this and start enjoying the wonderful world of motherhood.