Postpartum Depression: It is Real?

In the late months of my pregnancy I would think about how long we tried for our unborn son and how happy we were. There was no way that I could get postpartum depression (PPD), I thought. I was wrong. PPD can affect any new mother. PPD is real, but it is treatable and things do get better.

After my son was born I had the normal baby blues. I cried for no reason or any reason at all. I would spend hours gazing lovingly at my newborn son. I didn't want to take my eyes off him. At about 3 weeks postpartum I got obsessed with him getting sick. I was so afraid he would be sick and I wouldn't know it. I took his temperature several times a day. I had that thermometer right by me all the time. I told a friend of mine, thinking it might be a form of PPD and she brushed me off, saying that my hormones weren't stable yet and it was too early to determine if I had it or not. I told my mom the same thing and she told me to stop taking his temperature, that I was becoming obsessed. I was already obsessed but I was able to stop.

I didn't really have any more problems until I went back to work. I had to take my son to daycare when he was 8 weeks old. That was very hard for me to do. I cried and cried every day at work. I cried at night while I held my baby, knowing I would have to do it all over again the next day. I should have been enjoying the time I had with him in the evening. I cried so much that I dehydrated myself. I just wanted to be with my baby. I heard things like "It will get easier", "It's just separation anxiety" and "A lot of mothers have to use daycare, too". That wasn't comforting at all. My husband didn't know what to do with me. He tried to make me feel better but it wasn't working and he felt helpless. One day he asked me if I would feel better if I were at home with him instead of working. I said that it would but then realized that it wouldn't completely fix it. It was something deeper. So at my son's 2-month appointment I also saw my doctor and was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. I was given some samples of Effexor XR and was told to take 75mg a day. I started feeling much better.

I was able to get through the day at work and that slowly turned into being happy at work. I was able to enjoy my time with my son in the evenings after work and I looked forward to the weekends. I got to know the women at my son's daycare more and I saw how much they cared about my son and how much he liked them. My husband saw the change in me as well. He was happy that I was feeling better. Our relationship got better and we bonded more as a family. I felt like the light at the end of the tunnel was finally here.

Unfortunately, that was just an oncoming train. At work I was switched positions from a place I loved to a new and overwhelming place. After about a week in my new position I was once again hit with waves of depression. I was literally on the verge of tears all day long. I was happy as a clam when I would go home. My husband and I even arranged things so that I could work 4 days a week, 10-hour days so that I could have Mondays off to stay home with our son. My doctor also raised my dosage of Effexor XR from 75mg to 150mg. It helped, for about 4 days. I was so tired of feeling sad and useless. I began to snack all day long while at work. I would shake while at work but on the weekends and the Monday I had off I was fine and dandy.

After about a month of feeling like that I called my doctor yet again and explained what was going on. The suggestion was not to add to my medicine but to take a vacation. I knew that wasn't an option, we couldn't afford for me to take a vacation. I kept my supervisor at work in the loop as far as how I was feeling. She knew what I was going through because she had PPD when she had her children. One day I was called in to the office of the Human Resources department and it was my supervisor and the Human Resources coordinator. Of course, I went in thinking the worst. Instead, I was offered my same position but at part time. I was nervous and excited. I didn't know if we could afford it but I knew it could be an option. I talked to my husband about it that very same day. We did some figuring with the bills and it was doable! We were even able to get a discount on daycare for our son since he would only be there in the mornings. After that was decided, I felt a huge weight lifted off me.

Now that I am working part time I am feeling a lot better. To be honest, my heart is at home, with my son. It's sad how these days most families can't live on one income anymore. But thanks to my employer and my husband, I am half way there, and that's better than nothing! I still have bad days but those bad days aren't nearly as bad as they used to be. I don't cry I just have that sluggish, "down" feeling. I know I will get better. I have the support and freedom to do so.

Even though we tried for so long, I learned that I am no exception to the rule when it comes to PPD. No one is. I know some women that have had PPD are afraid to say something because they are afraid they will get their baby taken away. That is just the irrational fears associated with PPD. Help is out there and it doesn't result in your children being taken away. If you are having severe feelings associated with PPD or PPP (postpartum psychosis), talk to someone. There is in-patient and outpatient help out there, depending on the situation. And even thought PPD is real, with the right treatment, the light at the end of the tunnel will be real too.