Powdered Urine

Here is a brief comedy skit meant as part of a stage production.

A father and son sit on the bank of a pond with fishing poles.

FATHER
Son, did you know you can buy powdered urine?

SON
No, pop. I didn't know that.

FATHER
Well, you can. And I wish somebody would've told me that when I was your age. You see, son, life's not fair. That's why it's my job to bestow you with all the secrets to avoid getting screwed in life.

SON
Okay, pop. I don't want to get screwed.

The father smiles warmly and settles in for a good man-to-man with his son.

FATHER
The first thing you need is a jar of powdered urine. You can get it at GNC, at any head shop or even on the internet. But get a jar and keep it handy. Stick some of the powder in a balloon and carry it in your pocket. You just never know when you might need it.

SON
But I don't do drugs, pop.

FATHER
Yes, but you've still got high school and college ahead of you. Nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. The second thing you need to know about life is to never ignore internet spam. There are so many things you'll miss out on if you delete email messages without looking at them first.

SON
Like what?

FATHER
Like ways to get rich by scamming other people. You want to be rich when you get older, don't you?

SON
Sure, pop.

FATHER
Well spam is a treasure trove of grifting opportunities. Because who wants to be a pencil-dick accountant, right?

SON
I want to be a fireman.

FATHER
No, you don't.

The son nods emphatically.

The father sighs.

FATHER
Well, that's okay. For some reason women do get themselves wet for firemen. But that brings up another thing about internet spam. Something you'll really need if you become a fireman.

SON
What?

FATHER
Penis enlargement.

SON
Penis enlargement?

FATHER
Absolutely! How many inches are you, son?

SON
I don't know.

FATHER
What, you've never measured?

SON
No.

FATHER
It's a good thing you're mom sent us out here for this talk. You're way behind the curve on a lot of things. I didn't bring my tape measure. That's okay, we'll do it when we get back to the house. But I'll guarantee, you're inadequate.

SON
How do you know?

The father tussles the boy's hair.

FATHER
We're all inadequate, son. Remember when I used to take you for pony rides down at the fair?

SON
Yeah?

FATHER
Remember how sometimes one of the ponies would get a really long erection?

SON
Yep.

FATHER
That's what women expect from you. About the length and girth of your forearm now.

SON
Pop?

FATHER
Yes, son?

SON
Why do ponies have ding-dongs as big as my forearm?

The father thinks for a moment.

FATHER
Well, I suspect it's conversely proportional to the size of a typical mare's vagina.

SON
Oh.

The two sit quietly for a moment.

SON
Pop?

FATHER
Yes, son?

SON
Is a woman's vagina that size, too?

The father chuckles.

FATHER
Oh no. Not by a long shot. You see, that's the third thing you need to know. Women demand overcompensation for everything. And you'd better be prepared to give it to them. Penis-size is just the tip of the iceberg. For example, if you say anything at all about her weight, even if it's just an innocent remark, then make sure there's room on your credit card for a dozen roses or a new blender, because you'll need it. Or, if they catch you sleeping with another woman, even if it's just once, well... You'd better have a lawyer on speed-dial, because he's the only man who can save you. Okay?

SON
Okay.

FATHER
Now, the fourth thing you need to know in life is a little bit of philosophy. It's a simple mantra that you should tell yourself over and over again -- "Sometimes bad things happen to good people". If you ever wreck your car, just remember it's not your fault. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. If you ever get punched in the face or blackmailed. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. If you ever find yourself in jail. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. If you ever accidentally murder someone or run a corporation into the ground through embezzlement...

SON
Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

FATHER
Exactly. So what are the four things I told you?

The boy thinks for a moment.

SON
Um, buy powdered urine.

FATHER
Right.

SON
Never ignore internet spam.

FATHER
Yes.

SON
Women demand overcompensation for everything.

FATHER
They sure do.

SON
And sometimes bad things happen to good people.

FATHER
Good job. Do you have any questions?

SON
Nope.

The father smiles.

FATHER
Well, I do! Why aren't these fish biting?