Practical Uses for Those Annoying Vuvuzelas

The vuvuzela. I think we all agree it's the worst gift to give 80,000 drunk fanatics. That said, if you have a vuvuzela, and the din it creates is just too much for you to bear, fret not! For I have divined 12 practical uses for just such a headache, and the best part is, they're all buzz-free!

1. A cane

Remember when you were younger and you fell off your bike? Yes, yes you do. The pain as your flesh was stripped away and joined with little bits of rock and dust. The burning sensation you felt every time you ran it under water to wash it during a shower or bath. Ahh the good old days. And of course, the great stiffness that followed when it began to scab over.

Because a cane should generally be about half your height, this idea is not applicable to anyone over about 4'2", which means it's perfect for...... children! Yes! And not only that, it's just about the cheapest alternative to a cane that you'll find for your little hellion. At 7 bucks, you can't go wrong.

Just so long as you don't alert them to the real use of the vuvuzela, you should be fine.

2. A vase (requires some DIY)

So fellas -- you're in a pinch because you got your girlfriend some beautiful flowers, but because you lost all that money by either gambling it away or spending it on the new XBox 360, you couldn't afford the beautiful and ornate glass vase that the florist offered you. Have no fear, the vuvuzela is here!

Be warned, though, that you will need to invest in some sort of water-tight sealant for the mouthpiece, as a vase isn't much good if it can't hold water. That said, it might be best to work on the vuvuzela more than 30 minutes prior to giving it to your girlfriend. Hey, we all have to pull our weight in relationships.

3. A dunce cap

Nothing screams shame more than having a long, plastic, pointy hat stapled to your head. This is for the kindergarten teachers looking to force that little extra bit of sorrow for doing something wrong out of a five-year-old. Simply drill two holes into the horn piece of the vuvuzela and string through some elastic band. This will act as a chinstrap. The next time little Timmy stamps Johnny's forehead with an upside-down elephant, you'll be ready for him.

To really intensify the punishment, have him stand under a low-hanging shelf. With that 2-foot tall vuvuzela on his head, he'll be craning his body in ways he never knew possible. Guaranteed to eliminate backtalk and whining.

4. Peg leg

You didn't think I'd leave out pirates, did ye? Y'arr. What better way to show pride for your country than to cut your leg off at the knee and stick a vuvuzela there? Recommend you affix some sort of rubber cap to the bottom so that it doesn't wear away, and you'll be happy to find that your stump fits right into the horn piece with little finagling!

Now you'll be able to conquer booty and slay ye scurvy dogs with the help off your plastic support. Y'arr maties... 'tis good to be a pirate. As an added bonus, no one will take you seriously, which will make it all the more surprising to them when you blow holes in the side of their ship.

4b. In addition to the peg leg, you can use the vuvuzela as a makeshift baton to smack your crew around in the event of a mutiny. Also, for the real do-it-yourself swash-buckler, install glass lenses and make your own telescope!

5. Oversized drinking cup

Ever wish you had some extra volume in that drinking cup of yours? Now, with a little more of that water-tight sealant I proposed earlier, you too can stand out from all your rowdy friends at the local bars with your 2-foot stein! And don't worry about spilling - because nobody's going to want to come near you and your extra large friend.

6. Fishing rod holder

Whoa, wait a minute. Really? Yes, really! Think about it folks, the typical saltwater shore fisherman uses about a foot to foot-and-a-half long PVC pipe to keep his rod steady in case that big snarky sharky comes along for his bait. Let's say he's just left a soccer match and has forgotten the PVC back home (in America). Vuvuzela at the ready, he can walk up to any old beach, shove his vuvuzela into the sand (mouth piece first), and stick his fishing rod in. Presto change-o, he's got a very handy and patriotic rod holder.

Impress your friends even more by actually landing the big one. There is, however, the slight chance that the shark will be so enraged that he was caught by a vuvuzela line he'll suddenly eat you whole, but you know, at least you won't have to hear the buzzing anymore.

7. Umbrella holder

This is a no-brainer. You come in from the storm of the century and need a place to put your umbrella so that it doesn't wet the floor and upset the lady of the house (as if she won't already be upset because you have an adam's apple, but that's something else entirely to contend with!). Drop your wetted water deflector into the vuvuzela and go about your business.

8. Blow gun

For those interested in hunting their prey in the traditional manner - from a long distance and with poison darts - the vuvuzela is perfect! The only downside would be that, if you don't remove the column of bees inside the vuvuzela which create the buzzing sound, you'll scare your target off before the dart even leaves the tip. Also be sure, as always, not to inhale when using a blow gun.

9. Hearing aid

We've all seen those old-fashioned cartoons - with the gentile geriatric trying to understand the ravings off a coked-up teenager. What does he do? He pulls out what looks like a ram's horn and shoves it into his ear. Yes, that makes things so much better. Simple physics took over then - as the sound waves were focused down the ram's horn and into the man's metal shop - err, I mean, hammer, anvil, and stirrup. He had a horse in there.

Now when Soft-spoken Scotty from next door comes by trying to peddle his chocolate bars that he has to sell from school, you'll actually be able to hear what he's getting on about!

(Protip: Super wet willies are possible with this).

10. Pinocchio Costume

It's Halloween, and you're strapped for cash. Rather than going out to Party City and buying some cheap costume for $40, you decide to make one all your own. The problem is that you have as much creative ability as a lump of tree moss, so anything fancy is out of the question. After watching Pinocchio with your pretty next-door neighbor, an idea pops into your head.

The vuvuzela!

Yes, the only thing that people really need to dress up as Pinocchio is that super-exaggerated nose, and nothing says more super-exaggerated than a 2-foot-long piece of plastic hanging from your face. You know what they say about a guy with a 2-foot-long nose...

11. Catheter

No, nevermind.

11b. Traffic cone

Brightly colored is the only requirement here. Simply stand them up when you've got some important road maintenance to do. Though, on second thought, this may cause erratic driving, as I would imagine people would be so overcome with angst upon seeing dozens of vuvuzelas lined up on the side of the road that they would immediately mow them down with their Suburban.

11c. Torture device

Enough said.

12. Trash

Let's face it, none of these will really work (well, a couple might), so the overall best alternative use of a vuvuzela is trash. Conveniently, it fits into any 13+ gallon trash bag, or you could simply leave it in the box it arrived in and throw it in your nearest dumpster. Consequently, you could use it as a tool in a prank, and leave a burning vuvuzela on somebody's front step. Whatever you do, however, make sure it ends up out of your possession, because in the end, a good vuvuzela is one that you never have to listen to.