Praising Lounge Pants

There are no bones about it - I love lounge pants. As a son, brother, student, and young man, I would find my life in a veritable state of disarray were it not for the stabilizing powers of lounge pants. Lounge pants are the gluons to the atomic nucleus that is my life. Lounge pants are the dark matter holding together the universe that is... Never mind.

Perhaps I am overstating the importance of lounge pants in my life. Do they really instate order in an otherwise chaotic system? Not really. Have they altered my life in some magnificent, all-encompassing way? I probably couldn't defend that assertion, even on a good day. But I do love lounge pants.

I should probably describe what lounge pants are for those that haven't yet become converts. Lounge pants are, well, pants for lounging. Maybe lounge pants are glorified pajamas for grown men. Maybe lounge pants are just pajamas for grown men. I say "for grown men" because I do not know if they make lounge pants for women. For the sake of women everywhere, I hope that they do.

Lounge pants shouldn't be reduced to "pajamas," but that's where the English language fails me. Lounge pants are loose. Lounge pants breathe through their elastic-less ankles. Lounge pants are masculine, yet relaxed. Lounge pants are respectable. One should never feel ashamed to be seen in a pair of lounge pants.

Maybe I should clarify that statement. Most lounge pants have some sort of plaid pattern. I would estimate that 85% of lounge plants are some form of plaid or another. The rest? Well, some jokers ran loose in a lounge pant factory and decided to make novelty lounge pants, which are generally ill-respected in the comfortable nightwear community. These lounge pants have patterns featuring items such as tabasco sauce bottles, chili peppers, or Xbox 360s. Wearing or being gifted such lounge pants is a sure sign that you or someone else does not respect you.

If you are given lounge pants featuring the above items, ask for the receipt so that you can exchange them. Why? Make up a plausible explanation, like that you developed an allergy (yes, even to the Xbox). Go and trade those lounge pants for a pair of lounge pants that say "I am a man (or a woman) that knows what he (or she) wants, and gosh darnit, I am masculine (or feminine) enough to wear extremely comfortable nightwear."

And if no one gives you lounge pants? Well, well, well, it looks like you're going to have to treat yourself to this nocturnal pleasure. The average cost of the lounge pants I've bought? $3.50. Trust me, you can afford them. Will they change your life? Maybe not significantly. But you may sleep (and lounge) more comfortably. Don't like them? They'll make a perfect gift for someone.