Predictions for 2011: Political and Religious Tension, the Financial Crisis, the Battle of the Sexes - Even the Gold Price - They're All Set to Improve

"Co-operation" and "compromise" are going to be the buzz words replacing "Why the hell don't those idiots agree with us?" and "I'd rather die than give in to that bunch of jerks."

A friendly New Year's Day football match between taliban and western troops in Helmand province will develop into a permanent ceasefire. Jihadists and wahabi muslims across the world will relax and extend rights to women and other religions.

The western powers will stop putting profit before every other goal in life and political parties will come together to work out what is best for the populations they serve. Politicians will humbly consult voters and represent their wishes faithfully.

China will volunteer to become less competitive and start buying masses of commodities from Europe and America at inflated prices. Prosperity will spread around the world and famine and poverty will become things of the past. Even the gold price will keep on rising!

Muslims and christians in New York will unite to build a synagogue at the Ground Zero site.

Google and Facebook will launch a co-operative project, inviting Twitter to take a leading role.

Divorce lawyers will urge warring couples to go away, talk it through, settle their differences amicably and think of the children.

Rich old men will kindly tell young women who want to marry them: "It wouldn't feel right, my dear. I'm old enough to be your grandfather." Young women will kindly tell old men who want to marry them: "In all honesty, I can't. I would only be using you for your money."

Cats and dogs and Democrats and Republicans will decide that the things that unite them are more important than the things that divide them.

And Kelsey Grammer and Mel Gibson are finally going to get it. ("Oh, midlife crisis.... Now I understand.")

What a wonderful year the world will have in 2011....