Pregnancy Complications: Dealing with Birth Defects

Pregnancy is usually a time of great joy and anticipation. You eagerly wait for that first moment to hear the heartbeat. You decide how and when to tell everyone your news. You happily read the books about what to expect and just glance at the chapters that discuss pregnancy complications because it will never happen to you. So how do you cope when you find out that something is wrong with the baby? What if the doctor says those dreaded words "I think there's a problem"? Pregnancy bad news can flip your world on its ear in an instant and truthfully it may never be the same again, but you can get through it. Here are some tips for coping and coming out on the other side.

Give yourself space. Very rarely will you need to make any medical decisions immediately so take in the information that the doctor has given you and just sit back and process it for a few days or a week. Take some days off of work. Take the phone off the hook. Don't answer your door. Whatever you need to do to give yourself a break - do it.

Give yourself permission to grieve. When you're pregnant you have all of these dreams and scenarios you develop in your head about the baby. We all know most of them won't come true, but to have them dashed in an instant is devastating. Take time to acknowledge that loss. It doesn't mean you will love your baby any less. It just means you're human.

Find support. Today, thanks to the internet, even the rarest pregnancy diagnoses often have support groups. You can Google the medical condition and usually find a support group and Yahoo groups is a great place to search for a support group for many conditions. If you are religious speak with your pastor, priest, rabbi or other church leader. If you feel the need for professional help don't be afraid to find a psychologist or social worker to talk with. Lean on your friends. Often family and friends are not sure how to approach you or how to help so tell them specifically what you need be it a lunch with no discussion of the baby at all or a day of spa treatments or someone to listen while you vent and cry. Finally, one important source of support is your partner - don't be afraid to lean on each other. You may find out just how strong your partner is.

Get information. When you first get the diagnosis you can feel like you are in a deep, dark well with no way out. Information helps to shed light on the darkness. Medical science today is amazing. Babies born today with a variety of medical problems can do remarkably well even compared to those born five or ten years ago. Ask your doctor to recommend books to read and take advantage of the internet. Make lists of question to ask the doctors so you don't forget any of your questions.

Become pro-active. Getting news of a birth defect can make you feel helpless. Suddenly doctors are telling you how everything is going to go with your baby and you are scared so you never question anything. Start taking back some control of your life and your baby. No matter what the diagnosis this is still YOUR baby. Take the information you have gathered and use it to stand up for yourself and your baby. You are the baby's primary advocate and while most doctors are wonderful they do not know everything.

If the doctor is telling you that you need a cesarean section ask her specifically why. She should be able to point to research indicating it is healthier for the baby. Research choices in care for your baby and ask the doctors why they are suggesting one plan versus another. Good doctors have no problem with answering questions that are posed respectfully. It does help if you can take them some printouts to show the research you have done so they can understand exactly where you are coming from. And remember that the doctor may not have the time right at that minute to answer all of your questions, but he or she should find a way to do it. Some will arrange a separate time to meet with you, some will ask you to email them the questions and they will email answers back to you, and some will find other ways. Don't accept a doctor blowing off your questions.

Celebrate the baby. It is easy to get wrapped up in medical information and medical decisions and forget to simply celebrate the baby. Maybe you aren't feeling up to the elaborate baby shower your best friend said she would throw you, but have a small event with close friends and family. Buy a baby book and tape those ultrasound pictures in it. Pay attention to all of those little kicks and punches. Pick out names. Remember that this is still your baby.

Pregnancy complications of any kind are scary and hearing that there is something wrong with your baby can knock you off your feet. So take a breath, find your inner strength, and stand back up. You can do it.