Pregnancy Reflections from a Mother-to-Be

Understanding the basics of reproduction is not what I'm referring to here. I understand how babies are made; I've been through school and sex education. It's the idea that we can actually make, out of what seems nothing, another human being.

It starts out so unrealistic. One day you pee on a little stick and it gives you this meaningless "plus sign". Ok, so I have a stick that says I'm pregnant. Can anyone really answer where this little being has come from? One day this little cluster of cells that has started growing inside of me like a tumor or alien implant will be a living, breathing, free thinking human. Is it strange to think that this is even the littlest bit weird? Maybe it's the hormones, since we get to blame everything on these so called hormones; but even at that, this little alien implant in me has changed my body chemistry and that affects my entire being. Even though it may be hard to understand where this other human being has really come from, I am in fact pregnant, and the changes that are happening are apparent.

For me, I was the lucky girl every other woman will secretly hate forever. I didn't really experience any serious pregnancy "side effects". No morning sickness or massive weight gains or even really serious food cravings. But I knew I was pregnant, and the emotional turmoil of that was definitely something hard to deal with. At 8 weeks I was already dying to get into see my obstetrician. I didn't feel pregnant and was actively searching and demanding some more proof of that. Obviously the 6 or so pregnancy tests I took couldn't quite help me get my brain wrapped around the idea that I just made another person. So I go in for this appointment thinking I'll get to hear the baby's heart beat or something to let me know that this is all for real. Nope. That wasn't it. They just took a ton of blood and urine and said have a great day. It was a blast.

Shortly after that first appointment, I got my first pregnancy side effect. I became extremely constipated. I apologize for the excess of information, but its crucial here. So I started trying everything the nurse said was safe. I bought Metamucil and started drinking lots of water and ate so much fiber I felt like a beaver gnawing on wood all day. No relief. About a week later, still nothing and I'm sick as a dog. I end up going to the emergency room. Mind you, they got the problem fixed. But in the mean time, I was rolled into an ultrasound room so they could check on my little budding alien. There it was, at 10 weeks, a little frog like looking thing, with a heart beat. I was happy and many other unexplainable emotions, but I still didn't entirely believe it.

All things going well, I come to my 20-week ultrasound appointment to find out the sex of our little alien cell cluster. My fiancé in tow, sitting in this little room together, we get to see our alien thing on a television screen. She (yes it's a girl!), looks like a real little baby. We witness her sucking her thumb, and even dancing on my bladder. This time it's starting to sink in a little more. I cried a lot. I'm going to be the mother of a little baby girl. But again, it's still hard to believe.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant now. I still don't believe it completely. I've been feeling my little girl kicking me, and hurting me, for many moons now, and it's still an idea that I can't quite wrap my head around. All I did was participate in combining an egg and a sperm, and now my belly is growing and there is a little girl inside me. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited about this addition to our family, and I can't wait to meet her, but I do think it will forever be a mystery how she came to be my child (and her daddy's). Who chooses this soul to come to us to be raised into an adult? She hasn't even shown her pretty little face yet, and I already feel like I've won some sort of unknown secret lottery.

I'm just on the side of pregnancy where I feel I'll never understand where this person really came from, but you better believe me when I say, I am entirely thankful, and I'll never quite ever believe that she chose me to be her mommy.